Norsemen FC vs Old Parkonians FC

Norsemen FC vs Old Parkonians FC

Saturday 25^th September

Grocers Pitch

Norsemen Give Park A Hyding

Dear Diary,

Guess what I did this morning (apart from waking up), that’s right I made some more flat pack furniture. I think I could get a job at IKEA with the skills I have recently picked up. There are no cardboard boxes left now so this could be an end to me having to use the ‘bloody bloke’ skills that my dad passed down to me. Although the skills that he has are much better than mine. When he was a young gent I am pretty sure he could have chopped down a tree and made a cabinet from said fallen tree. What I need today is a physics degree to understand the instructions of a flat pack IKEA bed frame. Anyhow back to matters in hand. I short walk to the Grocers and I found Thomas just finishing his breakfast. I sat down with my plus 1 and had a lovely eggs Benedict. When I say lovely it was top notch. Finished that, climbed into Thomas’ car and zoomed off to footy.

Arrived at Edmonton Sports ground a little sleepy if I am going to be honest with you. Saw NRC walking into the car park. Gave him a quick beep and he sh1t himself. This firstly made me feel good about myself and secondly woke me up somewhat. Walked into the changing room and saw all my chums. We had a nice group hug and then started kicking balls aimlessly at the broken bin again. We all missed. Some burke turned the shower on again with a wild shot and I got wet once again. Got changed whilst asking NRC train times. Macca did the honours with the music this week. A bit of Michael Jackson was played (I think it was Heal the world). Jacko and Tajae really feel the beat and have a private sing along. Macca then showed his spiteful side and stopped the music because he wanted to put his phone away. We all sat in silence. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive Macca for what he did. No apology, nothing, just a smug little midland grin.

Was nice not having Ballers about this week. He was off at some civil partnership in Morocco or something like that. I wasn’t really listening when he told me why he wouldn’t be at football.   

So the team lined up as follows:

GK Jacko

RB Ossie

CB Tajae

CB Macca

LB Muzza

LM Hempsey

CM Tadd

CM Coleman

RM Pearson

CF Jarrett

CF Leon

Subs

Ross Davies

Arda

We had a nice little warm up and then just stood around for 5 minutes, whilst watching Old Parks warm up. They were good at warming up.

15.00 – Kick off

Both teams got off to a frantic start. Norsemen probably having more joy in the opening encounters. Leon and Jarrett both looked very dangerous upfront and causing the Old Parks defence so problems. Up the other end Old Parks were giving as good as they got. Jacko made two world class saves. The first coming from a great shot from just outside the penalty area. Jacko scrambled across his goal and got a strong wrist to a shot that was creeping in the far post. The second was a one on one from a Macca mistake. Jacko got down and saved well to his right again. Just going to quickly go back to Maccas mistake. You would have thought he would have learnt from his mistake in the last home game. You thought wrong. He dilley dallied on the ball for too long and was tackled by the Old Parks striker. Luckily Jacko was in goal. Just get rid Macca!!!! Again after the play had broken down Macca looked upset with the telling off he was receiving from most people. He had the face of a 5 year old girl that has just been told off for putting super glue in her brother’s hair. Again he doesn’t like being told off. Hopefully he will learn this time..........

Back to the game and after a couple of great chances for Leon a goal is scored. A cracking little move led to Tadd steaming into the left hand side of the box. Tadd unleashed a great left foot strike which the keeper got down well to but could only palm it into Leon’s path who in turn composed himself and lashed it into the net. Norsemen 1 -0 Old Parkonians.

Half time comes and I feel Norsemen had the better of the first half, with the attack causing a lot of problems. Saying that, Old Parkonians hadn’t been out played by any stretch of the imagination and were still well and truly in this game.

Norsemen started the second half spritely and within 5 minutes had stretched their lead to 2. Ossie played a nice ball down the right to which Jarrett latched on to. Jarrett laid a sumptuous ball back to Thomas who in turn swung in a cracking cross to Leon. Leon knocked the ball down to Tadd and on the half volley, Tadd placed the ball in the corner of the net. Delightful goal.

Old Parkonians picked up their game after the goal and started to find a bit more freedom in the middle of the park. A needless foul by the Norsemen defence saw Old Parks being awarded a free kick on the edge of the Norsemen box. The resulting free kick was hit extremely well and was very unlucky not to go in. Instead the ball hit the bar. The ball was then involved in a bit of scramble, eventually being blasted over.

Shortly after this scare Old Parks managed to get on the score sheet themselves. What looked to be a harmless ball over the top was latched on to by the lively striker and with the Norsemen defence and keeper at 6’s and 7’s, the ball was lobbed over the onrushing keeper and into an empty net. Game on.

The away side then had a bit of joy all round the pitch. The ball was played out to the Parks right winger who swung in a lovely cross. The cross was met by Macca who to be fair had done a good job with keeping the Old Parks striker quiet during the game. Macca rarely likes doing the easy thing. Instead of clearing the ball first time, Macca decided to play a one two with the post and then thump the ball away. It takes a lot of guts to pull off such a move in your own box but hats off to the brave man who tries it. Ballers would have just kicked it in his own net and be done with it. That is Ballers style though.

After this scare, Norsemen bucked up their ideas and started to get back on top of the game. We won a freekick just inside the Parks half. Tom and Muzza both stood over the ball, debating who should take it. I think their conversation went a bit like this:

Muzza “Tom”

Tom “Yes Muzza”

Muzza “Have you been working out?”

Tom “I have actually”

Muzza “You look a million bucks”

Ref “Lets hurry it up boys”

Muzza “I have never told you this Tom but I think the world of you”

Tom “Muzza you are really putting me off mate. I am trying to take this freekick and all I can think about is you”

Muzza “Yep no you are totally right mate. Shall i get in there and get my big head on the end of your kick?”

Tom “Yes mate. Go and stand near Coleman and I will pick you two out”

Muzza “Anything you say mate. Give me a minute as it takes me a while to get there”

Tom “Sure thing”

Muzza runs off and Tom kicks it straight to the oppo. Muzza has no chance of getting back into position.

Thomas makes way for Arda and Leon makes way for Ross Davis.

The harder Old Parks go searching for the equalising goal, the more gaps they leave and this eventually leads to Norsemens third and the final sucker punch. Not sure who crossed it in from the right, lets say Hempsey for arguments sake. The ball finds Jarrett at the far post who has a shot, it is blocked or saved and then bounces across the goal line. Ossie steams in and heads the ball home. Jarrett insists it was his goal but Ossie claims the ball was bouncing wide. I have decided to believe Ossie as Jarrett wouldn’t look me in the eye when he was trying to convince me that it was his goal . It wasn’t the best looking goal but they all count.

Final score Norsemen 3 – 1 Old Parkonians. I feel Norsemen deserved the win overall but Old Parks played very well in patches. They are a nice bunch of lads and it is only a matter of time before they start racking up wins.

After the game “The Chef” had a shower with the guys. I think he had heard about the naked exotic dancing that goes on in the shower and he felt like he wanted to be part of it. We all go into the clubhouse and get smashed. It is then decided we make a pilgrimage to Shoreditch and to the Nelsons retreat for some pool and juke box action. I dont remember much as I replaced food with beer.

Meet up with chums from the motherland and then head to a house party in trendy Shoreditch. At this point I am so drunk that I just about manage to stay conscious. I manage a little of something that resembles dancing and then ask if i can be put to bed.

Note to self – eat something after football.  

Training Report 15/9/2009

Tuesday 15^th September 2009

Another glorious day in London Town. Woke up at 8 O’clock on the dot to make a cup of tea for Thomas as punishment for losing Pro Evo the previous night. Probably got stitched up somewhere along the way. Had myself a little shower and ironed my shirt whilst wearing just a pair of pants. Bit miserable outside but hey this is Shoreditch, anything can happen on my 5 minute walk to work. Whilst ironing I spotted a couple of yummy mummies walking their kids to school. Made me feel good about myself. Thomas said goodbye and jumped in his cab and I set off to work.

9:12

Strolled into work. Had some 2 minute microwave porridge with a dollop of strawberry jam for breakfast. Lovely stuff.

9.30

Pretended to do work until 14:00.

14:00

Walked to Waitrose and purchased a Covent Garden chicken soup, a Waitrose strawberry yoghurt and a submarine roll.

14:36

Consumed all of above.

15:00

Wrote some emails and had a chat. Pretended to work until 17:30.

17:32

Walked back in the rain to 5 Drysdale street. Attempted to pleasure myself. Thomas walked into the flat. I jumped up and pretended nothing was going on. Luckily Thomas walked the long way round to the kitchen and I had sufficient time to change websites on the laptop and put my old boy back in my pants. Lucky escape.

18:30

Lowered myself into Thomas’ sports mobile and was looking forward to hitting warp speed all the way to Edmonton sports ground.

19:40

Finally arrived in Edmonton after sitting in traffic for a good hour. Had some deep and meaningful chats with Thomas. The subjects ranging from Global Economics to the lowest rating bird Thomas would sleep with. Turns out it was a 1. However after a conversation this morning in which a tramp was entered into the equation, Thomas has changed his mind to a four and a half.

19.41

Boots are on and training is on.

Line up is as follows

Macca

Muzza

Hempsey

Jacko (Absent for the first half. Normally this would be because this is the part when most of the running is done. Turns out he was trying to crack onto the female physio. All was going swimmingly until his phone started to ring and some awful song was blared out in place of a normal ring tine. At this point he decided to join us.)

Ryan

Chris Morgan

Tom Morgan

Pat Morgan

Thomas P

Taddy Waddy

Jo Morris

Ross James Coleman

Phil

Mick

Reggie was gagging to show up, However he had just had some new horse shoes attached and for this reason he was left in his stable. The official reason stated was that his shoes cost 50 notes a hoof and his owners didn’t want to take the risk of his new shoes rusting. Fair play I say.

Despite the torrential rain and low turnout training commenced at 19:45.

After a nice leisurely jog around the cricket pitch, Pat decided it would be a good idea to have a nice little sprint on the spot. Everyone thought yeah why not, 10 seconds sprint on the spot has never hurt anybody. What they didn’t know was that Pat kept us sprinting on the spot for what seemed like 20 minutes. At the end I heard Macca being sick on the cricket crease. My legs felt like jelly and all I wanted to do was to go home.

We then did some rubbishy ball exercises. My personal highlight was not throwing the ball to Muzza. He didn’t like it one bit. Whilst running around I saw that I wasn’t the only person not to throw him the ball .This makes me smile!

Then the moment that everyone had been waiting for. The teams were picked for a lovely little game of two and three touch football. The captains were chosen. Thomas P the red captain and Pat Morgan the Blue captain. Everyone else lined up against the wall and just hoped they wouldn’t be picked last.

Pat to pick first.

Pat-“I have decided to go with experience and have chosen Taddy Waddy.”

Tad-“YES” (he sticks his fingers up at everyone as he runs off to hug Pat)

Toms pick.

Tom-“I think I will go with an ex team captian so I will pick Hempo.”

Hempo-“Yey” (runs down the line giving everyone a high ten. Everyone ignores him and Macca sticks his leg out to trip him up.)

Pats pick.

He choose blood and goes for little Chris Morgan.

Toms pick.

He takes pitty on the new guy and picks Ryan.

Pats pick.

He chooses Jo.

Toms Pick.

He is thinking to himself how is he going to win the game and decides to go for a bit of flair and picks Tommy Morgan.

Pats Pick.

Thinking to himself that he can win it if his team doesn’t concede so opts for a unit at the back in the shape of Mark Jackson.

Toms Pick.

Goes for a bit of quality and picks Ross James Coleman

Pats Pick.

Down to the last two!

Pat-“Can we just have subs?”

Phil-“I know what you mean these two aren’t great but they have turned up so give them a chance.”

Pat-“oh for f@ck sake. Ok I will go for the better of the two. Macca.”

Toms Pick.

Tom-“I am off mate. I don’t want to play if I have to play with that ginger w@nker.”

Muzza-“I am here, I can hear you.”

Tom-“sorry mate no offense. You are an average bloke, its just that I take time out of my life to turn up to this training and then I have to play with lesser players. I am not happy about this. How comes Pat got to pick first? Can we start again?”

Phil-“Come on mate. Just put him at the back and when the blues kick it off he can go and get the ball.”

Muzza-“I am still here and can still hear everything you are saying. Unbelievable.”

The atmosphere at training turned for the worse at this point. However the reds convinced Thomas to accept Muzza and the game got underway.

15 seconds after kick off and the reds are one up. Some lovely movement by Tommy M and Ryan gifted Hempsey a tap in. Chants of “Easy Easy Easy” were heard from some of the Red bibbed players. Within a minute the reds were leading by two goals to nil. Some would say it was Easy. Personally I just think it was too easy, not even a challenge. Blues began to get wound up by the easy chants and their heads dropped. Reds started to play total football and at some points champagne football. Tommy Morgan enjoying himself so much that he forgot to shoot on target and missed an open goal.

At this point the game got ugly and some rascal challenges started flying about. Little Chrisy Morgan decided enough was enough and took his frustration out on the red captain with a two foot lunge. Chris took a 15 yard run and then slid for 5 meters before clipping Thomas’ ankle. Savage is the only words I have in my vocabulary to describe the event. Thomas hit the deck clutching his ankle.

Phil-“Right no more sliding tackles lads.”

The no sliding tackle rule lasted for all of 20 seconds. All I can say is that for me sliding across wet grass is fun. I like it. I did it a lot.

If memory serves me well I think the blues managed to get on the score sheet twice.

At the end of the day the reds outclassed the blues and were deserved champions. After training Muzza took me by the hand and made me do a slide with him across the cricket pitch on my stomach. This was fun. What was more fun was watching Jacko do the same. The area he slid on was bone dry after he completed his slide due to him displacing all of the water on the cricket pitch. Fun over. Thanks Mark!!!

I think we all enjoyed ourselves, even Muzza after the whole team picking fiasco.  

Correct me if I am wrong but that was probably the best training session ever taken place t Norsemen. You must be kicking yourself if you missed it!

After training I had a shower with Thomas and then got back into his sports car. Thankfully we had a clear drive home. On the way back our conversations ranged from complex Physics to would you do the bird in the green trousers at the bus stop. FYI the answer was yes and yes.

When the Porche edged its way into Dalston Thomas put in a good shout of getting some grilled meats. However due to our gripping conversation the turning for the grilled meats takeaway was missed. Thomas had to perform a 3 point turn in the middle of a surprisingly quiet Dalston highstreet. He had a good 20 seconds to perform this simple task. I think he knew this and was over confident in his driving abilities. As a result he stalled it and we nearly got hit by a truck.

Pulled up at said grilled meats joint. Walked in, ordered what turned out to be a bloody lovely meal and sat down for a chat. I think we talked about work and war. Midway through our deep and meaningful conversation, a chap behind on sitting on his own butted in and asked Thomas who his favorite artist (music) was. Thomas replied with Justin Timberlake and the delightful chap responded with “I have two favorites. Stevie Wonder and Aretha Franklin. I have met Aretha Franklin in the street. She shock me by the hand.”

Tom-“That’s nice.”

At this point a black guy walks into the takeaway joint. If I was forced to describe which famous person he most looks like then I would say Lenny Henry.

Delightful Chap- From out of nowhere “ You look like Barry White.”

Lenny Henry-“Do i?”

DC-“Yeah I have met Barry White and you look just like him.”

LH-“I don’t think I do mate. I think you need your eyes tested.”

DC-“Have you ever met him? I have and you look like Barry White.”

LH- Walks off.

We collected our eats, climbed back into the sports machine and  whizzed back to Shoreditch.

Got back into the flat, ate our food (which was spot on), re-hydrated ourselves, had a cuddle on the sofa and watched the champion league highlights.

My last memory of Tuesday 15^th September 2009 was being challenged to a game of Pro Evo 2009 by Thomas, the winner getting a cup of tea off of the loser at 8 O’ Clock the following morning. It was decided that we play a champions league final match so that we got lots of ticker tape and music when our teams entered the field of play. Thomas chose to play with Manchester United and I chose Inter Milan.

Thomas kicked off and within 10 minutes I was horribly let down by one of my defenders who decided it would be better to head the ball in his own net, than let it run off for a goal kick. Cheers!

Not to worry, within 15 minutes I was back in the game, thanks in part to some sloppy defending by the Manchester back four. They allowed Zanetti to pick up the ball and waltz through the majority of the opposing team and slot the ball into the top corner. The crowd went mental.

Half time. Thomas was looking nervous and had positioned his buttocks on the very edge of his seat.

Second half.

Inter kick off and manage to go ahead in the 60ish minute. Sloppy goal so nothing to really be told. Thomas’ head went down and he looked like a beaten man.

93^rd minute. Two words for you. Stitch Up! Thomas threw everything forward. 3 men minimum offside. Rooney in the box. Perfect challenge by Matterazzi. Penalty given. Fuming I was. Giggs pops it in off of the left post. Still cant believe it now as I am writing this how badly I got stitched up.

Nothing happens in extra time.

Penalties.

Thomas wins 4-3.

Thomas decides he has ridden his luck a bit too much today and cries off to bed, refusing a re-match. I have a little sulk and go to bed for a hows your father.

Tuesday 15^th September 2009 complete.

I have done close to no work today as a result of this report.

Ross James Coleman

Alexandra Park FC vs Norsemen FC

Alexandra Park FC vs Norsemen FC

Saturday 18/09/2010

Alexandra Park

Warm and stuffy

Alexandra Fail To Crack Norse Code

Dear Diary

Woke up today and got straight into dismantling a wardrobe. I thought to myself “this is the life, where could it possibly go from here.” Life went to the front room from there and to a flat pack chair. I was rewarded for my efforts with a lovely cooked breakfast. As soon as the breakfast was consumed I made my way to meet the gaffer for breakfast club. We discussed the game over a lovely glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and then decided the only way to choose subs was to ask our female company to pick the person with the most offensive name to start on the bench. It turns out Ballers is less offensive than Muzza.... On the walk home I bought some Oranges and then managed to get said female company to chop them into eights and pop them in a bag. These would be consumed later.

I packed my bag, got in Thomas car and off we set for what would be a lovely drive to Alexandra Park. Of course we got lost a little bit and ended up driving past Alexandra Palace 5 times before actually finding the entrance to Narnia, err I mean Alexandra Park FC. A signpost could be seen as a useful tool to help people find the ground. Just putting it out there. The time spent looking for the ground gave us the chance to view London in all its glory from the Palace more than once. I enjoyed this.

Finally managed to find the ground and on doing so saw Phil, Jack, Tajae and Macca sitting in their cars and not talking to each other. Me and Thomas got out and greeted everyone. Got a ball out and started doing some circus tricks with it. Muzza turned up with James so I decided to kick the ball at his car. I enjoyed this a lot. Muzza didn’t. Muzza has the last laugh when he kicks the ball towards my balls. He misses but it still hurts. I try to act like it didn’t hurt, but he can see he got me good.

What do you know, NRC turns up by foot. He probably just walked from his beloved train station. David is a bit like the Little Mermaid. If he is out of the “water” (train station) for too long then he flaps around like a dying fish. David has turned to the bottle to try to get over this constant plague of responsibility of returning to the trains. He is a smashing little northern lad but I am getting worried he is becoming more and more like Gazza every day. He has so much to offer on the pitch, however the drink is affecting his game and state of mind. I personally think he needs help but that is just between you and me diary.

Slowly but surely everyone turns up and we have a brief game of crossbar challenge. That is until the home team kick us off the pitch so that they can warm up their keeper. Bit harsh to be honest but it gives us all a chance to go and put on our lovely blue uniforms. Gav Morais turns up last as Hempsey gives him slightly wrong directions. Funny though as it meant he had to cycle to the top of the hill. He must be knackered as he puts his socks (which are clearly marked L and R) on the wrong feet. This may have something to do with some misses later in the game.....

We warm up and then Thomas tells us the team:

GK          Jacko

RB           Ballers

CB           Tajae

CB           Macca

LB           Muzza

RM         Ossie

CM         Tadd

CM         Coleman

LM          Hempsey

CF           Morrais

CF           Jarrett

Subs:

Arda

Thomas

We line up against the new boys to the league. They have lovely bright orange uniforms on.

15.00 – The game kicks off. Truth be known Alexandra Park start a lot more vibrantly than Norsemen. It takes Norsemen 15 minutes to get up to speed in the game and by this point Alexandra Park have already gone 1-0 up. Muzza went for a wee off the pitch and left their Right midfielder with acres of space. The Alexandra Park chap composed himself nicely as he had so much time and dispatched a nice finish in off the left hand post. We all start to moan at each other, somehow Muzza gets off very lightly....

When we decide to turn up and start playing we actually start to play some nice stuff. NRC’s hangover has sent in yet and he puts in some good runs down the left flank. Our way back into the game come from a delightful 6 or 7 pass move down the right. The ball eventually fell to Jarretts feet who took a first time shot from the edge of the area. The ball hit both posts and crossed the line. A huge weight was the lifted off of Norsemen’s shoulders and we continued to play some lovely football.

Our second goal came shortly after from the head of Mr Jarrett. Muzza used his trusty left foot to swing in a corner. He takes all our corners from the right. Not because he is a dead ball specialist but because he is the only person who can kick the ball with his left foot in the team. Anyway, back to the goal. Jarrett found himself unmarked on the edge of the 6 yard box. He decided to utilise this chance and headed home. Alexandra Park 1 – 2 Norsemen.

Our third goal came 5 minutes later when Tadd went on a mission down the right flank and crossed in a sublime ball. Gav Morais found himself unmarked in the area and managed to dispatch a gorgeous header back across the keeper and into the right hand side of the net. Well done Tadd and Gavin.

Ossie didn’t like what was going on and decided to take things into his own hands. An Alexandra Park move was broken down by the Norsemen midfield and the ball was passed back to Muzza. Muzza in turn passed to Tajae who in turn found Ossie. Ossie didn’t fancy ‘getting rid’ and as a result played around with the ball too long. The little forward for Alexandra robbed Ossie of the ball and then miss hit a shot over Jacko who had slipped on the way out to close the onrushing striker. Alexandra Park 2 – 3 Norsemen.  

All was fine again just before half time. Norsemen won another corner. Our only left footed player scuffed a corner to the near post. Ballers managed to fool the player marking him with a cheeky dummy. The ball then hit Tadd on his pigeon chest and somehow ended up in the back of the net. Paul Jarrett kicked the ball once it had crossed the line and tried to claim the goal to complete his hat-trick. We all saw through his lies and awarded Tadd with the goal. That was a hard decision to make as it would have meant Jarrett would have had to get in a hat-trick jug.

15.45 – Half time. We had our little oranges and kind of listened to what people had to say. It was a hot day though so I spent most of my half time asking people “isn’t it hot.” To which most of the people would nod to. Some people just ignored me. They are spiteful.

16.00 – We kick off for the second half with an air of confidence. Both teams play some nice football. I think Jarrett and their blonde centre back for Alexandra Park got on really well. For some reason they kept on hugging each other. Maybe they were playing run outs/ had/ kiss chase. Whatever game they were playing, there was a lot of flirting going on. It was a beautiful thing.

A lot of chances came and went. In particular Gav Morais had a couple of efforts one on one with the keeper. He decided he didn’t fancy scoring any more goals as he hadn’t bought enough money along to buy a hat-trick jug. Because of this reason and only this reason, Gav kicked the ball miles over the bar on both occasions.

16.20 – Norsemen extend their lead. Coleman headed a corner clear that luckily fell to Morais feet. He sprayed a ball out wide to Ossie. Coleman carried on his run. Ossie started running with the ball and then out of the corner of his eye he spotted Coleman still running. A bit like Forrest Gump running across the American Football pitch from the bad guys. Ossie crossed a sublime ball which Coleman lunged for and poked into the empty the net. I think the Alexandra Park goalkeeper miss-judged the flight of the ball and looked like he was chasing chickens instead of playing football. Ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai ai.

NRC’s hangover started to really kick in about now and as a result he found controlling the ball very difficult. We all smiled about it and told him to keep his chin up. He got a ribbing for this later. Serves the little Northern chap right for getting drunk. Maybe he will think twice next time before going on a Friday night bender.  

Pearson replaced Ballers and Arda replaced Hempsey to add some fresh legs.

16.40 – Macca makes an early shout for off-side. The Alexandra Park forward was a good visible 5 yards on side. The Alexandra Park forward hesitates as he thinks the ref may call him for off-side. He then runs twice around Macca to make sure he is on side. Macca doesn’t fancy getting back for the through ball. The Alexandra Park forward despatches a neat finish into the roof of the net. The Norsemen midfield probably gets the blame for not closing down the aimless ball sent forward. Alexandra Park 3 – 5 Norsemen.

16.42 – Gav Morais is recklessly hacked down on the edge of the area for which the Alexandra Park defender is booked for. Thomas picks up the ball with an air of confidence.  Everyone can see the area that the Alexandra Park goalkeeper has left unattended. I am pretty sure Thomas saw it too. Thomas has other ideas though. He takes a nice run up to the ball and then smashes it miles past the goal and into the long grass. He is a sly one that Thomas. He was only trying to waste a bit of time wasn’t he. Clever b@stard. Any other amateur would have gone for goal.

16.45 – The ref gives his whistle a good toot and Norsemen are victorious. Alexandra Park started the better team but over all I feel Norsemen were the better team and deserved the victory.

7 of us go to the local pub after the game and watch Arsenal bottle it. Hempsey was able to be there as the pub was situated across the road from the train station. Every 20 minutes he would pop over there to get his fix and then run straight back.

Jarrett and I got the train back to Kings Cross to see our plus ones. Problem is Jarrett had to dress as a nun and he was less than pleased about this. I was eaves dropping his phone conversation and heard him say “if I look stupid then I am just going to go home.” I ended up at a house party that was way above my mental attitude level. The house was spotless, people would talk about the environment and politics and there was nobody being sick on themselves. It was a laugh though. Got absolutely smashed and walked back along the canal to bed.

Good night world.

Norsemen FC vs Civil Service

Saturday 11/09/2010

Grocers pitch

Warm and stuffy

NORSE-MAL SERVICE RESUMED

Dear Diary,

So here we are again. My favourite time of the year is back. Norsemen FC has their first game of the 2010/11 Season. 

9.00 – I wake up with a spring in my step. I ask myself why is this? Oh yes I remember, I am going to IKEA today. I bloody love that place. When I say love, what I actually mean is like. It is actually quite annoying in a way as they have loads of little things that you don’t need but are only £3. You pick it up and think to yourself “Oooo this would be handy. Why don’t you treat yourself? Go on, you deserve it. You have been good this week. I think I will just pop it in the trolley.” You do this 50 times and end up £200 out of pocket at the checkout. I then rewarded myself again with a 40p Ice Cream and set on my way to Edmonton Green. Just one quick mention of IKEA’s thriftiness, for some reason in the car park and for that matter the store, the music being played was really sh1t covers of already sh1t songs. This made the songs double sh1t. Note to self, take my walkman with me next time!

 12.45 – Driving in the back of Matthew’s car listening to his electronica beats and getting pumped for the football game. It starts to piss it down. I think to myself “I am going to get wet today.” Matthew pulls his Skoda Fabia into the Edmonton Sports arena and the rain stops. Matthew goes for a wee and bumps into a still drunk Cass Weaver. They have a hug. Not whilst doing a wee. Well maybe they do. I am still sat in the car at this point so I am just making up what they are doing. I think they greet the French way, then go to the toilet and then wash their hands (they don’t want to spread diseases after all.)

12.55 – I walk into changing room number 2 and am greeted by Ballers, Muzza, Tajae, Phil and Tadd. We all try to kick the ball into the bin. We all fail. We aren’t very good. Thomas comes in and kicks the ball really hard. Thomas breaks the bin. Everyone else slowly but surely turns up and then what do you know, a face from the past walks in. Ossie. The man is back and he is back with a vengeance. Ossie is given the ball to kick at the now broken bin and somehow manages to turn the shower on, in turn soaking my shorts. Thanks very f@cking much Os. Welcome back though.

13.05 – Being over keen to play, Macca, Tadd and myself run out the front of the changing room and starting playing keepy ups. I almost manage to lose the ball from being over keen. We all have fun. Thomas runs out and calls us back in to the changing room. Thomas is our captain and manager now. He plays around with some cones on the floor and talks about some stuff. I am too busy trying to wind up Tadd so don’t really pay much attention. I am sure it was all good stuff though.

13.45 – Run over to the Grocers field, past the bloody cricketers. I can’t wait for the Cricket season to be over. Who even likes cricket?! I start to kick the ball at the goal with Macca and Gav. We aren’t very good and spend most of the time fetching the ball from the bushes. Such is life.

14.15- We do some exercises with Phil to warm up. Ossie doesn’t seem to have many friends at the moment and spends most of the time on his own. Ballers finds the warm up difficult. Ballers finds football difficult. He is a nice guy though so nobody minds him being not very good at football. 

15.00 – We lined up as follows:

1.       GK. Jackson

2.       RB. Ballinger

3.       CB. MacAlister

4.       CB. Ferguson

5.       LB. Murray

6.       RM. Hempsey 'NRC'

7.       CM. Heath

8.       CM. Coleman

9.       CF. Morais

10.   CF. Lungha

11.   LM. Morgan. T

12.   Ibrahim

13.   Pearson

Civil had turned up with what is noticeable as the tallest man on earth. The BFG started upfront for them and Macca had the responsibility to mark him. Civil were clearly a decent outfit as they had spent the previous year mixing it with the big boys in the division above.

15.01 – We kick off and start well. As do Civil. I think it is fair to say we matched each other well, both teams looking solid all round. Civil tried to utilise the BFG. They did so by getting the ball to the full backs, who would in turn send a searching ball forward to the big guys head. Macca and Tajae dealt with this danger fairly well for the entirety of the game. We took a less direct approach and decided to try and pass our way up the pitch, which I feel we did well.

15.25 – It’s only a bloody goal! Norsemen 1 – 0 Civil Service. Some lovely work down the left by Muzza, Tommy, Leeroy and Tadd result in the ball falling to Muzzas trusty left swinger. Muzza doesn’t have the most elegent of kicks but boy he knows how to find the head of our very own Incredible Hulk. The pin point cross is met by a thundering header from Gav Morais and the ball sails into the top right hand corner. Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai or whatever the noise is that the Native Americans make when they are attacking with their Tomahawks and Bow and Arrows. That is now how we celebrate goals. Well we didn’t for this goal but we will for the next goal after this has been read. It should really be a Viking grunt or something in honour of the Norsemen, but the Native American chant is much more fun.

The game picks up pace after the goal and some really nice football is played by both teams. The referee likes to play a physical game so a lot of pushing goes unpunished!

15.46 – Half time and Tom gathers us in. First of all he congratulates us for playing well and then he takes Ballers in his arms and just cuddles him for being brave. He doesn’t find the whole football thing easy but he has given it his best shot today. I clapped Ballers but nobody else joined in.... The cuddle lasts until the second half starts. Things get a little tense and awkward until the whistle is blown and we all breathe a sigh of relief.

16.00 – We kick off down the slope and start well again. Both teams are very evenly matched. Civil hit the bar with a cross and then again with a looping header. Jacko had the second hitting of the bar covered. Jacko has really bucked up his ideas this year and is playing extremely well.

16.15 – Tadd gets an elbow to his pretty little face. Turns out his nose took the full impact of the elbow. As per usual Tadd got extremely excited about this as he does with almost anything. Despite his nose now resembling the nose of Worzel Gummidge, Tadd still wanted to play on. Unfortunately his nose wouldn’t stop bleeding so he wasn’t allowed back on. Ossie comes on at right back and Ballers moves into centre midfield.

16.20 – Tajae follows a long ball into the corner and manages to Cruyff turn his way out of trouble. He then goes to volley the bouncing ball. He executes the volley well apart from the fact that he sends the ball flying back into his own box. Luckily beautiful Macca is there to head clear. 2 minutes later and Macca could have done with Tajae returning the favour. Muzza plays a nice easy throw in back to Macca. Macca tries to put his foot on the ball. Macca misses the ball. Macca looks a mug. Macca runs after the BFG who now has the ball. Macca starts chanting like a Native American going into battle. The BFG runs through on goal. The BFG luckily kicks the ball wide. Macca has the face of a 5 year old boy that has just been told off for locking his pet cat in a suitcase and pushing it down the stairs. He knows he has done wrong but he isn’t happy with being told off......

16.25 – Civils long ball game is starting to penetrate a tiring Norsemen team. A cross is put in that is met with the head of probably the BFG but i am not sure. The ball is goal bound and Jacko is beaten. Norsemen 1 – 1 Civi... oh no wait minute Steven Bloody Ballinger has only gone and headed the ball off the line! Best thing I have ever seen Ballers do with a football. He is a brave soldier as he was also head butted by the opposition player whilst falling to the ground. This is why people like Ballers.

16.26 – Thomas replaces Ballers, not because of his injury, we just needed a bit of quality on the pitch...... The game now becomes stretched as Civil go looking for a goal. Macca fails Civils central midfielder in the box, only for the ref to not give a penalty. Norsemen then break on the counter. Leeroy should have scored but instead lays the ball back to Tommy Morgan who blazes over from 3 yards. We break a couple more times on the break and should have scored 2 or 3 goals, however we didn’t. Simple as.

16.45 – Final whistle goes and Norsemen are victorious. Probably a fair result as Norsemen had more clear chances, however Civil are a good team and will do well in the league this year. We all warm down and make fun of Tadd’s new nose.

17.00 – Have a nice shower. Hempsey does the willy dance, Morais does the helicopter and Macca pretends to be an erotic dancer. All good fun.

17.30 – Macca gets in 3 jugs for scoring 3 own goals pre season. Hempsey reads out some train times. We don’t tell him that Gav bunked the train earlier in the day. This would have made him angry and in turn would have ruined his day.

18.30 – starting to get quite drunk now. Decide it is a good time to head home with Thomas.

19.00 – Get back to Shoreditch and start to get bang on it again. We are cooked a smashing little Chilli-con-carne. Decide to drink a bit more and then go to meet everyone’s favourite big headed male, Muzza. Jump in the taxi and request to be taken to the Old Queens Head. Taxi driver acknowledges the request and takes us to the Old Queens Head.

20.00 – Spend about a million pounds getting drunk. Make up a new dance move with Thomas and Muzza. Think it could possibly be the Norsemen dance move of 2010/11.

3.00 – Somehow make it back home. Try to keep dancing and drinking. Fail miserably. Thomas carries on whilst I slip off to bed. Good night world.  

First XI Player Profiles

Norsemen player profiles

Mark “Jacko” Jackson: Spurs

Likes to think of himself as the modern day Tim Westwood. Mark keeps nets for Norsemen FC. On his day Jacko is a top-notch keeper, one of the best in the league.

Steven “Ballers” Ballinger: Arsenal

Steven is one of the veterans of the team, having played for the 1’s for 7 or 8 years. Mr Versatile has played in almost every position, I think the lack of attributes for one certain position aids the decision to keep moving him around. His big character and lion like bravery makes up for any lack in footballing ability.

Nick “Muzza” Murray: Liverpool

Muzza only lacks one thing in his game, pace. Apart from that he hasn’t got much of a right foot, a lack of aerial dominance, he has no skill and lacks a large cool head in front of goal. Apart form that he is a lovely lad….. Muzza is in charge of the social committee.

Jamie “Macca” MacAlister: Derby

What a gorgeous man. Jamie is a centre back by trade. His roots lie in Derby. The punishment for this is his annoying voice. You don’t get many people on tv or radio with a Derbyshire accent. That’s all I am going to say.

David “NRC” Hempsey: Middlesbrough

David is a smiley man. David has an impressive football cv having played for the league representative side and the Middlesbrough supporters team. David’s hobbies outside of football are trains and numbers. He is the closest thing we have to the rain man.

 

Tadd “Tadd” Heath: Spurs

Tadd is naturally gifted at football. He is an excitable little chap, a bit like a little lap dog. You show Tadd a paper clip and he will find something amazing about it. Tadd works with big hunky firemen.

 

Thomas “Pearo” Pearson: Norwich

Thomas is the gaffer. Thomas likes fast women and fast cars.  He is a devotee of the power position.

Ross “Ting Tong” Coleman: Southend

Ross is probably the best footballer at Norsemen football club. He keeps getting comments like “you are the best” and “why do you play way below your level”. Basically what it comes down to is Ross is a humble man and he likes playing with his friends. He is a great guy.

Neil “Mordi” Mordi: Arsenal

Neil is a crackling little player when his head and heart are in the right place. If they aren’t then he has a negative effect on the team……

Richard “Reg” Ayres: Spurs

Reg is probably the longest serving Norsemen of all time. He is the only member of the team who’s father is more popular than him. The animal that Reg resembles closest is the horse. He has a similar gallop to Red Rum.

Joe “ “ Morris: Newcastle

Joe is the team’s narcotics specialist. He is also the team jester. Funny but useless at football. His personality allows him to get away with being slow and technically inept. 

Gavin "Morais" Morais:

This is Gavins second time around for Norsemen. He is a muscular gentleman. Gav enjoys running, jumping and throwing.





Paul "Jarrett" Jarrett:

Paul is a new member to the team this year. He is a really good footballer. Strong and brave just like Tom Selleck in three men and a little lady.

 

Leeroy "Leeroy" Lungha:

Leeroy is the fans favourite. He is a smashing little lad who happens to be quite handy at punting the ball in the back of the net. Doesn't like to stretch before a game and as a result pulls his groin a lot and has to be subbed. Selfish! 

Tajae "Taj" Ferguson:

Tajae is a product of the Norsemen youth system, much like Jacko and Arda. He is solid as a rock. 




Arda "Arda" Illguy:

Another ex youth team player, arda is a striker and a winger by trade. He likes chatting in funny gangsta talk with Jacko in the pre match warm up. Kids these days.....



Osman "Os" Ibrahim: Spurs

Os had a brief period away from the club but has since come crawling back.... he has the same face as David Haye but that is as far as the similarities go. Os is good at football. Os knows the location of Londons best kebab but doesn't let on to where it is.

Phil "Jacko Snr" Jakson: Spurs

Jacko Snr is our coach. A bloody good one at that. Received a nomination for Noresmen of the year last year. I would have given it to him but sadly I don't pick who wins it. Such is life.

James "The Chef" Owen: Arsenal

James was once part of the Crouch End Vampires. He has since seen the light and joined Norsemen. James is currently injured so has taken up the role of fitness coach. He makes us do some really weird things but i for one am starting to lose my fatty back deposits for which i will thank "The Chef" for. 

Dan "Cairrao" Cairrao: Crystal Palace

Dan is normally the trusty left back for the 2's. This year with Muzza having to take time off, because his head was getting tto big, Daniel has covered. He has a lovely smooth head and an equally lovely left foot. Likes to think of himself as a deadball specialist. This specialisation hasn't been witnessed in the 2010/2011 season.


Leighton "Little Leighton" Hill: Gillingham

 Leighton is a smashing lad. Was drafted in from St Albans way. Leighton has plenty of stories about his friends in the far east. Leighton is like a little ox on the pitch. Like Gav Morais, Leighton also enjoys running, jumping and throwing.

Bradley "Billy Bob"Rosendale: Arsenal

Brdley is a friend of the Norsemen youth in the 1's. Bradley came in for cover after Mark thought it would be a good idea to get banned for 2 months. Bradley doesnt like running, jumping or throwing but he does like vests. Bradley shares the inbetweener car with Arda.