Weirside Rangers vs Norsemen FC

Weirside Rangers vs Norsemen FC

Saturday 26^th March

East Molesey

3.00pm

Uh-Oh, Weir in Trouble, Something's Come Along And It's Burst Our Bubble

Dear Diary,

This is it, the final run in for the league. For some it is the business end of the season, for others it is squeaky bum time! 5 games left and today’s opponents are high flying Weirside Rangers. 

Sooooooo...... I woke up and had a bit of breakfast whilst watching England lose at the cricket. Was a waste of everyone’s time and money. Thomas comes home from the gym and we set off for football. Today’s trip from door to door only took 2 hours so that isn’t bad is it....... In two hours you can actually get to Barcelona on a plane. Barcelona is bloody miles away. East Molesey is max 18 miles from Shoreditch.

Met up with everyone outside Vauxhall train station. We had a nice squad of 15 today. Got some skin off of Leroy, Tajae, Mark, Arda and Brad. Gave everyone else a hug. Ossie decided to sit on his own for 15 minutes, despite being able to see everyone outside. Odd lad our Ossie. 

Get on the train. As the doors are closing Reggie runs up the stairs and just misses the train. He has to wait on the platform with Ex Norsemen Daniel Gustav Ashley. They have a nice chat (probably) and then Reggie leaves Dan and gets another train. Reggie is growing in popularity but is still a good country mile behind Barry in the popularity contest.

Interesting point from our train journey. Muzza sat next to a mother and her two children on the train. At first the kids just stared at Muzzas head. You could see them thinking to themselves “ how on earth is his head so big?” After a couple of minutes they got scared and moved as close to their mum and as far away from Muzza as they could. After observing the children’s behaviour I then got caught by the heads tractor beam and started asking myself questions like “how” and “why” in regards to the massiveness of Muzza’s head. 

Got to the station and Hempsey instantly got us lost. Led us on a wild goose chase. We actually walked past where we needed to go and luckily bumped into Reggie. Reggie was getting out of a taxi. Whilst doing so another gentlemen got out the other side and immediately run off. Reggie didn’t know the guys name. He said he picked the un-named chap up from the station. More like he had attempted to kidnap the guy. The guy saw it as a good chance to escape his captor as there was 15 or so witnesses. Reg looked disappointed when the guy run off. The penny has only just dropped to why this was. 

Get changed in a massive changing room. This was the biggest squad for the season and yet the size of this changing room made the squad look small. We lined up as follows:

GK – Brad

LB – Muzza

RB – Ossie

CB – Floody

CB – Tajae

LM – Hempsey

RM – Marko

CM – Tadd

CM – TT

CF – Reg

CF – Leroy

Subs

Macca

Leighton

Arda

Thomas

Dan Cairrao

A nice welcome back for Floody. He has been missed. Not only is a very good footballer, but he is a blimmin nice chap. Apart from that one time at BB Eagles where he offered everyone a lift, only for him to drive off laughing. Marko making his debut for Norsemen on the right wing too. Again another strong turn out by the old boys. Even Radio managed to make his way over. This is one of the biggest commutes for Norsemen so their support is very well appreciated. 

The time is 3.00 and that can only mean one thing. Kick off.

Weirside had the better of the opening 5 minutes and used their long ball tactic well. I think they started with a 3-5-2 formation, meaning they had the extra man in central midfield. However after 5 minutes Norsemen had picked their game up and started attacking themselves, winning some throw ins and corners in the Weirside half. Leroy came close from a corner from the right. I think he hit the bar. He may not have, but I seem to remember him doing so. Norsemen then got a throw in on the left hand side of the pitch. TT launched in a throw, only for a Weirside defender to get a big head on the ball. The ball came back out to TT. TT let the ball bounce once and then had a pop at goal. The keeper got down well, but only managed to parry the shot onto the post. The rebound fell nicely to Leroy, who with an open net scored his millionth goal of the season. We go nuts and start jumping around like kids. Weirside 0 – 1 Norsemen. 

Marko is substituted for Dan Cairrao. Muzza goes left mid, Dan left back and Hempsey moves over to the right of midfield. 

Almost from kick off Weirside send a long ball forward. Floody got up well and won the header. Not sure where but the ref spotted a foul. The ball from the free kick was played out wide and from the cross Brad called for the ball. Floody could have headed it clear but decided he would leave it for Brad. The ball somehow made its way into our goal. Weirside 1 – 1 Norsemen.

Norsemen would have not fancied games like this in the past and would have just rolled over, but not this season. We went straight back up the other end and won a throw in. From the throw in Reggie hit a left footed hook volley into the roof of the net. We went mental. Great finish from Reg. I tried to celebrate with him but he ignored me and run straight for Thomas. The fact that Thomas had his personal body guards around him, meant that Reg couldn’t get close. Instead he jumped on Macca and they made out. Weirside 1 – 2 Norsemen.

The lead didn’t last for long however as Weirside start attacking from kick off. Weirside won something on the left, could have been a free kick, could have been a corner. The ball landed at Tajae’s feet. Tajae doesn’t like kicking it long, so instead started dribbling it out of defence. As the pitch was drier than the Sahara desert, the pitch was very bobbly. Tajae couldn’t keep as close control as usual and as a result was tackled on the edge of the box. The Weirside number 7, who was their best player on the day, hit a shot that looped over Brad in goal. Weirside 2 – 2 Norsemen. All goals could go down as being scrappy or lucky but as my Dad says “A goal is a goal”.

Both sides had half chances in the rest of the half. Leroy and Reggie both playing out of their skin upfront. Hard to choose which one deserved man of the half, if there is such an award. 

Ref blows his whistle for half time and we walk over to Thomas. He gives us a nice little pep talk.

We go out with the same side and start the better of the two teams. By this point Weirside are reduced to the long ball. They will probably say that all we have is a long throw. I am pretty sure I threw the ball about 40 times today. My stomach is f@cking killing me as I write this. That may, or may not have something to do with me throwing the football lots. About 20 minutes into the second half Hempsey played a nice ball down the line for Leroy. Leroy latched onto the ball and put in a cross. The cross took a deflection and spun up into the air. Because of the concrete like pitch, the keeper miss read the bounce and completely missed the ball. The ball bounced over the keepers head and into the path of Reg. Reg nervously tapped in from 2 yards. We went bonkers. All I could hear was Tadd shouting and screaming. He was so excited. Weirside 2 – 3 Norsemen.

From there we carried on attacking and Leroy had an excellent volley saved well by the Weirside keeper. With 5 minutes to go Weirside got a free kick just inside our half. The ball was floated right to the back post and Hempseys man nicked in to score a vital header for the home side. Everyone had given everything in this game and had no more to give after the goal went in. Weirside 3 – 3 Norsemen. 

The ref blew his whistle and the game finished a draw. Tadd was especially annoyed about drawing. It wasn’t what we come to achieve from today’s game but it wasn’t the worst result. Weirside are a very good team. 

Went back to the changing rooms for a shower. Wasn’t the right kind of crowd in the showers to do willy dancing. We had to share them with rugby boys and they are a lot bigger and cooler than football chaps. I’m not saying that they are intimidating; I just didn’t feel like performing for them!

Went to get some grub and Arda suggested we take all the food and go and eat it on our own. That is vintage Arda that is. That boy never fails to surprise me with his deceit and snidyness! Went and ate our sausage and chips and then decide to have a game of spoof. Not before Macca thought it would be ok to have a pop at little Gabriel Ayers. Coupe of people were sick from shock after Macca finished his rant. Bloody Northerners. The loser of spoof not only had to drink a shot, but also had to lie on the floor and let the first 3 people out of the game lay on top of them. The three on top would then take it in turn to say something they disliked about the loser. The first three out were The Chef, Phillip and Tadd. The Chef and Phillip said some pretty harsh things. Tadd is a pansy and just said “I hate war and just hope one day the world can live in harmony”. He is so wet.......

Slowly but surely people leave and in the end it is just Leighton, Tadd, Muzza and myself left. We get some carry outs and walk to the train station. Get drunk and talk about how we are going to go about trying to get promoted. Play some pool in Shoreditch and then spend the next 2 hours getting turned away from bars, because there are too many guys in them already. Brilliant!

Went home and went to bed early.  

Norsemen FC vs Alexandra Park

Norsemen FC vs Alexandra Park

Saturday 19^th March

Edmonton Green

3.00pm

Norsemen Go Two’s Up On Alexandra Park

Dear Diary,

So, again not a lot to report on this morning. Thomas was down in Devon, celebrating his Dad’s 60^th so I was left on my jack this morning. Watched some Soccer AM and had a bagel and then pretty much got ready to leave for football. Walked to the bus stop and got on the bus that terminates at Edmonton Green. Played hat watch on my own. Won comfortably. Score was probably 35-0. It would have been more if my eyes and brain worked quicker, but sadly they don’t. Consequence of being from Essex and having small eyes I guess. 

Stupidly didn’t do my research for today’s trip. Forgot Spurs were at home to West Ham. Traffic was shocking. Spent an hour and a half on the bus. Not ideal really. Had some really weird people sit next to me on the bus. Now it was a very nice day and for some reason a gentleman got on wearing a coat that resembled a sleeping bag. He must have been roasting. Got off the bus and started walking to the ground. Half way up Church Street I hear a ‘toot toot’. It was only little Tommy Collier. He let me in his new car. It has electric windows. He seemed disappointed that it was such a nice day and he had to sit on the bench. Surely a good day to sit on the bench. That is what I was thinking to myself anyway. 

Met everyone in the bar and had a little chat with the Chef and Gav. Today we had the pleasure of two extra supports. Mrs Hempsey and Mrs Ballinger. They attracted a lot of interest from the old boys. Hempsey managed to get a shocking piece of news from his Mrs later in the day which I will come back to. So I walk to the changing room with Jarrett and Ballers. We all agree we have only had a couple of beers the night before. One of us was lying.

Put a bit of drum ‘n’ bass on in the changing room. Leroy doesn’t like it and puts on some weird pop song. Annoyingly it was on my iPod so it made me look like a dick! 

Went out and warmed up with the chef and phil. It was properly hot so we all got a nice sweat on. The line up was as follows:

GK Bradley

LB Carriou

RB Ossie

CB Gav

CB Macca

LM Hempsey

RM Ballers

CM TT

CM Tadd

CF Leroy

CF Jarrett

SUBS

Tomaldinho

Leighton

Arda

A strong starting 10 again........

So it is 3.00pm and time to kick off. Alexandra Park won the toss and get proceedings underway. Within 5 minutes Norsemen were on top of the game but found it hard to get any real momentum. They looked nervous if I am going to be honest. Chances came and went for Norsemen. Leroy looked a bit more dangerous this week, after firing blanks last week. Despite it being a warm day, Leroy still chose to wear his leggings. Funny little lad our Leroy. 

With about 30 minutes on the clock we got a break through. A ball was played up top and Jarrett got a good head on the ball. Leroy chased on to the ball and slotted past the Alexandra Park keeper. It was a toe punt down the middle of the goal really. The Alexandra Park defenders were very annoyed that Leroy wasn’t given as off side. He is so damn quick that I doubt they could tell if he was or not.

Norsemen 1 - o Alexandra Park

Shortly after the goal Macca pulled up with an injury and had to come off. Ballers, who was having a decent game at right mid, slipped back into centre back, Hempsey moved to right mid and Tomaldinho come on at left mid. This is where Ballers day went spiralling downhill. I’m not sure if Brad had anything to do in the first half. Maybe a couple of free kicks into the box, but I can’t think of any shots he had to deal with. I don’t think Brad likes holding the ball though as he tries to throw it as soon as he catches it. His kicking was excellent today though.

The first half finished 1-0 with Norsemen starting to look a bit more comfortable and relaxed. We all went into the changing room at half time and had some oranges. Phillip pointed out where we had been going wrong and asked us to correct this. We said we will try our best. 

Second half begins and Norsemen start to make some early chances. Dan Carriou, who had been brought up from the reserves last week had been put on free kicks and corners as he was the only person in the squad that kicks it with his wrong foot. We won a free kick early on in the second half, just outside the Alexandra Park box. It was on the right hand side, so naturally favoured the Left footed player. Dan Carriou lined up to take the kick and to be fair to him the ref made him wait a long time to take the kick. Dan stepped up and scuffed it wide. The free kick was so bad that nobody said a word to him. Not even “unlucky mate” or “chin up son” or “better luck next time”. He knew he had done badly so just run back to his position. 

Shortly after the ‘free kick incident’ Norsemen won a corner. Dan Carriou stepped up and put in a semi decent ball. The ball was cleared back out to Dan. The ball out was a high one and the sun was high in the sky on this particular day. Did this faze Daniel? No. Daniel calmly brought the ball down on his knee and put in a delicious ball that Leroy claims to have headed in at the far post. Again another one for the dubious goals panel. Looked to me like the defender put it in. I am sure the website will say Lunghu got both though so I will go with that too. 

Norsemen 2 – 0 Alexandra Park

Almost from kick off Alexandra Park got the ball up the striker who was their best player on the day. Ballers pushed the striker out to the touch line. If you are reading this report Ballers I would stop now because it isn’t going to be pretty for you. The striker back heeled the ball around Ballers and turned with ease. Ballers slipped and fell on his front. In two words Ballers was ‘mugged off’. The striker made his way into the box, but his shot was blocked. Ballers was still on the floor at this point. 

Shortly after this Tadd put Norsemen 3 up. The ball was played in from Ossie (probably wasn’t Ossie but the ball come from that side of the pitch) and Tadd rose above the keeper at the back post and nodded the ball in. The ref said Tadd had used the keeper for leverage.  The ref was wrong though. Anyway we should have kept on pressing and scored more goals. With 10 minutes to go the ball was played to Dan Carriou. If you haven’t taken my words of advice already Ballers then I would seriously stop reading now. Dan passed the ball across the back line to Ballers. Ballers had a lot of time now to pass to Ossie or just kick the ball long. He could have even kicked the ball back to Brad or worst case scenario, kick the ball out for a throw. Did he do any of those things? He did not. What Ballers thought he would do was take on the striker. The striker tackled Ballers. As a result of this act of stupidity the striker was one on one with Bradley. To be fair to the Alexandra Park striker, he hit an extremely good shot and scored. Ballers looked annoyed that everyone was angry with him. Not sure why. After the game I managed to get a couple of quotes from the old boys.

Barry Ayres – “I saw the striker slip Ballers a fiver as he took the ball off him”.

 

Radio – “An utter disgrace”.

Chunky – “If it was up to me he would be in the 8’s. Sadly they won’t take him”.

 

Can I just illiterate that they are the words of the top end of the Norsemen Hierarchy and in no way quotes that I have just fabricated. 

Norsemen 2 – 1 Alexandra Park

We managed to see out the game and get a result. Today was a result that we needed. By no means our best performance but a win none the less. We should have converted more chances today but we didn’t. 

Alexandra Park were a better outfit than at the begining of the season. I think if they managed to stay up then they have some good players that could do well. 

We all stretched and warmed down with the chef and then made our way to the showers. Just Hempsey and myself taking part in the willy dance show this week. I designed a super hero costume whilst drying myself. 

Basically it was just my towel as a cape and that was it. Looked pretty cool. The chef liked it but Dan Carriou didn’t. I bet Dan would quickly change his mind if I turned up to rescue him from a gang of bullies. 

We all go into the club house and watch England get humiliated by Ireland. Ballers hands me a bit of paper that he found in Hempseys bag. It was instructions on how Hempsey thought he could improve in training. Bless him. 

Ballers Mrs slipped up and let Hempsey’s Mrs know that Ballers was out on the razz last night. Seems like Ballers telling Jarrett and myself that he had only had a couple of beers the night before was total b@llshit.

Get the train back with Dan after the rugby and then carry on heading south to Brixton. Get smashed and then head to a dub step night. A guy in the group of people I was with was probably the campest straight man I have ever encountered. 

Best bit about the night was the strobe lighting. No matter what hand life has dealt you or how you are dancing, strobe lighting makes you look cool. I hold my hands up and admit to being a mediocre dancer at best but on the night of 18^th and the early hours of the 19^th March I looked pretty f@cking cool. Only in bursts of 10 seconds though, other than those 10 seconds I looked like a pleb.

Fell asleep on the night bus home. Luckily the last stop was my stop. Walked into the flat and saw the security man dancing to himself in the kitchen. Good job security man, doing your job well there. Took all my clothes off and went to bed.

Old Finchleans vs Norsemen FC

Old Finchleans vs Norsemen FC

Saturday 12th March

Finchley

3.00pm

Tough Day At The Office For Finchy

Dear Diary,

Not much to report on this morning. Got up and had awkward small talk with the builder about cricket. I tried to pretend I liked/cared about cricket, but this proved to be difficult. After a couple of minutes I let him get on with the building and I watched the news. Not really a good uplifting way to start a day, considering the state of the world at present. I needed a nice boost so I walked to the kitchen and had a nice bowl of sugary cereal. This gave me a 15 minute high. Had a shower and thought about getting rid of the weird hairy patches I have on my upper arms. Decided against the hair removal as it will just grow back longer and thicker.

Packed my bag and then headed to Old St to meet Thomas. Bought myself a lucozade energy drink thing. Tasted a bit like sick and gave me a belly ache. Sat in the park and ate some pineapple whilst watching a squirrel bury an acorn. I was so tempted to move the acorn, once the squirrel had run off. I would have definitely done it if there wasn’t a fence in between me and the acorn. Got to the gym to meet Thomas and he thought it would be funny to hide behind a car. I saw his week attempt at hiding and tried to hide from him. We did this for a couple of minutes and then decided to stop acting like idiots and get in the car. Managed to find an unscratched cd in the glove box and to our delight it had some Bruce Springsteen on it. Zoomed off in the direction of Finchley. Had a nice chat about various things this week. Can’t remember what they were exactly but I do remember it being a pleasurable ride.

Arrived at the ground and everyone was standing about. We were a little bit late. We just so happened to drive into the car park behind the Norsemen legend John Bayer. He bought his rattle along to cheer us on. Went and got changed in our really small changing room. Having needed a wee for an hour I left to find the toilets. On doing so I noticed that the home teams changing room took up almost half of the building. It is f-ing massive. Went out and warmed up. Found a dead pigeon in the net behind the goal. Lovely...... Tadd and Tajae both kicked the ball over the net so I thought I would be nice and get the ball for them. There was a river behind the goal and I had to climb in to get the ball. Tadd and Tajae didn’t help. Tajae run off and Tadd got distracted by a squirrel.

Warmed up and watched Old Finchleans kick the ball at the goal.

The squad was another strong one for Norsemen:

GK – Brad
LB – Ballers
RB – Ossie
CB – Tajae
CB – Macca
RM – TT
LM – Hempsey
CM – Leighton
CM – Tadd
CF – Jarrett
CF – Leroy

SUBS
Arda
Reed
Thomas

Again another very strong starting 10. It really does baffle me every week how Ballers gets to start. He has paid his annual fees like everyone else though so I guess it is only fair. I also believe when we got the funding for the new changing rooms, one of the stipulations was we have to be an equal opportunities club. That could explain a few things regarding the picking of Ballers every week.

The time is 3.00 and therefore it is time to kick off. Finchleans started well in what was to be a very fast paced first half. Within the opening minute Coleman was found out of position and the Finchleans right winger found himself one on one with Brad, however Brad spread himself well and stopped the effort.

5 more frantic minutes found Norsemen with a corner. Coleman put in a ball to the near post. Tadd got his head on the end of the corner and dispatched the ball into the corner of the goal. Yey for Tadd. He got really excited and started jumping about. Old Finchleans 0 – 1 Norsemen.

The next 5 minutes were not good for Norsemen. Literally from kick off Old Finchleans equalised. A ball was cleared by Tajae or Macca and the bouncing ball fell to the feet/knee of the Finchlean midfielder who hit a good volley from 30 yards. Brad got a hand to the effort to tip the ball on to the bar. Unfortunately there was a weird spin on the ball and the ball bounced into the far corner. Unfortunate for Brad as he did make a good save. Old Finchleans 1 – 1 Norsemen.

Two minutes later and the Old Finchleans right midfielder is bundled over in the Norsemen penalty area. The ref toots his whistle and gives a penalty. The penalty was placed right in the corner. Brad made a valiant effort to save it, but it was a well struck penalty. Old Finchleans 2 – 1 Norsemen.

This manic 5 minutes rocked Norsemen and perhaps last year we would have just rolled over and taken it. Within 10 minutes Hempsey and Tadd had got us back into the game. Hempsey found a bit of space out wide. Tadd made a dart into the box and Hempsey flighted a lovely ball in Tadd’s general direction. Just as Tadd was about to head it again he was shoved in the back and the ref tooted his whistle again. Penalty kick for Norsemen this time. Hempsey stepped up and scuffed it into the corner. Old Finchleans 2 – 2 Norsemen. That is a 50% success rate from the penalty spot this season now.

Almost straight from kick off the ball was played back to Tadd who in turn played it back to Ballers. Ballers forgot his limitations and tried a first time ball. He got it all wrong and sliced it out. He looked at Tadd as if it was Tadd’s fault. It wasn’t though. It was all Ballers fault.

From here until half time Norsemen started to play the better of the football with Finchleans resulting to the long ball up to the big front man. Tajae and Macca dealt with this threat very well and didn’t let Finchleans have another sniff at goal. With 10 minutes remaining in the 1st half, Ossie picked up the ball at right back and decided to have a go. He beat half of the Finchlean team and then thought about shooting when he got to the edge of the box. However he bottled it and just kicked it out. It could have been so nice.....

Half time whistle is blown and the teams go in level. Finchleans have played a high tempo game and are starting to look a little tired. To be fair to them though they are a decent outfit and do not deserve their league position. Bit more team play and encouragement and they will easily climb the table.

The second half kicks off and Norsemen start the spritelier. There was a bit more pressure on Norsemen as we knew we needed a win to pile the pressure on the pack behind. A lot of opportunities came and went for Norsemen. Leroy for a change was not firing on all cylinders and found it difficult to get a shot on target.

About 10 minutes into the second half and Norsemen win a corner. Hempsey took an in swinging corner which the keeper comes out to punch. Unluckily for Leighton as his head was between the ball and the fist. Any other player and that would have been goodnight. Leighton got up as if nothing had happened. 10 minutes later though and the concussion kicked in. Leighton had no idea where he was! Leighton makes way for Thomas.

Norsemen continue to press for another goal. The fact that we were playing on such a small pitch made it difficult to get the ball down and pass as there was always a player within 2 yards of each other.

Norsemen won a free kick, just inside their own half which Ballers miss cued up the left wing. TT got a flick on the header and Hempsey run on to the ball. Hempsey beat a player by cutting inside and had a shot. The keeper saved well. The ball fell to Jarrett’s feet and with 4 or 5 Finchlean players crowding the box, he somehow managed to put the ball in the back of the net. We went crazy and hugged each other. It was a beautiful moment. Jarrett doesn’t like scoring at the best of times so for him to feel like scoring at this moment was much appreciated.

The game become a bit stretched at this point as Finchleans pushed forward to find an equaliser. This gave the Norsemen wingers and Forwards a lot of time and opportunities. It also meant the Finchleans centre backs had to cover a lot more ground. The tallest of the centre backs found himself out wide facing Thomas late on. Thomas must have said something because the centre back got really cross. So much so that he forgot about playing football and instead just jogged around after Thomas. Apparently he wanted to break Thomas’ legs. Thomas must have said something really naughty to have made the centre back so angry.

Norsemen had plenty more chances to finish off the game but Leroy didn’t fancy buying another jug and just missed all of his chances. We probably had so many chances because Finchleans were only playing with 1 centre back in his position.

The game ended 3-2 and on the balance of play and chances I think Norsemen deserved the victory. I think Finchleans deserve credit though as they pushed us all the way and made a good game of it, despite the manager saying he only had 8 regulars playing.

We had another good turnout of old boys today and it is appreciated that they take the time out of their Saturday to come and watch.

After the game we got changed and had a shower. The shower at Old Finchleans don’t favour the willy dance so again this was missed. Next week we are at home though so I will be practicing for then.
Had some grub and a couple of beers whilst watching the Utd vs Arsenal game. Sat next to the chef and mugged him off as he is a Gooner. When i say mugged him off I merely chuckled when Utd scored. He didn’t like this.

Leighton told us about some of his travelling stories. My favourite story included a cage and some friends. He is a nice lad. Jarrett, The chef, Leighton and myself then drove to Shoreditch and got utterly smashed at various bars and clubs. Thomas and Louise met us late on. By this point we could barely talk. Thomas said we refused to talk to strangers and just stuck in a tight group. Simple rule of not talking to strangers. One of the first rules you learn in life.

Went home and got into bed. After the room stopped spinning I went to sleep.

Norsemen FC vs Alleyn Old Boys

Norsemen FC vs Alleyn Old Boys

Saturday 5^th March

Edmonton 

3.00

Alleyn Bring The Wrong Key

Dear Diary,

This week’s adventure starts in the motherland. Woke up in an alien bed with a cat purring in my face. Push the cat away, it doesn’t like this. Traipse downstairs and get myself a bowl of non descript chocolate cereal. This cereal is normally left for when my niece visits my parents house, however as Thomas doesn’t allow anything that has a trace of carbohydrates, fat, sugar, sodium, potassium or anything that is bad for you, into the house, I thought it was only right to get my child’s cereal fix.   

Watch an episode of ‘How do they do that’ on Dave whilst Dickie and Jackie go out to run an errand. Dickie and Jackie are my parents. Next on the list of things to do was head to the Mecca of Essex, Lakeside. Had to get a bed didn’t I. Our port of call would be IKEA. Went to buy a bed and ended up buying £250 worth of stuff, including scented candles! I only use candles for power cuts and i bought ones that smell of vanilla and jasmine. Damn you IKEA and your clever marketing and sales techniques. Ended up being a very annoying experience but more of that story later.  

Have a nice coffee and to my surprise hear a mother talking to her baby that she has called Tracey. That child has no chance even at such a very young life! Jump in the car and head to Edmonton. Get stuck in traffic and arrive half an hour later. To my surprise I am not the last to turn up. Tajae and Bradley turn up later. I get a tough time off of the others but they are all jerks so it doesn’t really matter. 

Start to warm up and one of the older Norsemen members asks Ballers if he has been painting, referring to the fact that he has a lot of grey hair. Ballers bent over and took it. He did a nervous laugh but didn’t come back with a ginger jibe. We in turn all laugh at Ballers for being a b1tch. Warm up a bit more and then Thomas calls us back in to name the team.

GK Bradley

LB Ballers

RB Ossie

CB Macca

CB Tajae

LM Hempsey

RM Thomas

CM Tadd

CM TT

CF Leroy

CF Jarrett

SUBS

Chris Morgan

Steve Morgan

Leighton

Again another strong starting 10. I have no idea how Ballers keeps getting a starting place. Maybe his parents are on the selection committee. Either way, despite the weakness we still looked like a strong team. 

We take to the field against an Alleyn team that looked very similar to the one we played a month ago at their place. The conditions this time being a bit kinder to both teams being as the wind was minimal. 

Both teams started well. Nobody really had the upper hand and neither keeper was really tested in the opening 20 minutes. Norsemen applied the more pressure but nothing come from this. About half an hour in and the ball fell to Jarretts feet 30 yards from goal. From where I was standing, it looked like Jarrett was going for goal, however is sliced volley fell perfectly at Leroy’s feet who calmly lobbed the onrushing keeper. I am sure Jarrett meant for that ball.... The Alleyn defender got a toe on the goal before crossing the goal line, however as Leroy looked so excited when he scored; we will give him the goal. 

Not much else happened in the first half, apart from the ref being very strict and to the letter of the law. He brandished yellow cards willy nilly. I think 4 people were booked in the 1^st half. 

Went in one goal to the good, not that we deserved it. Thomas didn’t tell us off as much as he did the week before, but he did have a little go. We decided that we needed an early goal and that would hopefully win us the match. Thomas made way for Chris Morgan.

The second half started a bit better than the first half had finished. Norsemen quickly got on top and created a few early chances. I think Hempsey took a corner from the right and swung in a nice ball that Alleyn managed to clear to the edge of the box. The ball eventually found its way back out to Hempsey, who delicately lofted a ball back into the box and on to the beautiful head of Macca. Macca stumbled backwards in an attempt to stop the ball from hitting his beautiful face, however in doing so the ball hit him on the crown of the head and from there the ball nestled into the bottom right hand corner of the goal. Macca did a slide on his knees type celebration. The celebration looked better than his goal. He won’t appreciate me saying that but I speak the truth!

Alleyns heads dropped a bit now. A nice Norsemen passing movement ended up with Hempsey having the ball near the half way line on the far right of the pitch. Hempsey curled a lovely ball round the back of the defence for Leroy to latch on to and neatly slot past the keeper. Best goal of the game. Not sure how many goals that is for the little man now but it is a lot! That lad is dangerous in front of goal and around Dominican women.

Alleyn became increasingly frustrated with the ref. The goalkeeper gave away two free kicks on the edge of his box for handling the ball outside of his box for goal kicks. He was booked for the 2^nd one. He felt hard done by, however Dickie told me both decisions were correct by the ref and I would always go by his word.

Finally Ballers made way for Steve Morgan. It surprises me every week how he stays on for so long. I have this theory. Because he is always fleeing the scene of a tackle, people only notice him at half and full time. After he kicks the ball out of play, he runs away and doesn’t give Thomas enough time to sub him. 

With 15 minutes remaining Alleyn were awarded a penalty. A bit of a soft one to be honest. The Alleyn forward stumbled in the box and ran into TT. The ref said he was pushed and awarded a penalty. To be fair to the Alleyn penalty taker, it was a good penalty; however Bradley got his fingertips to it. If he had stopped it, then it would have been one of the best penalty saves I have ever seen with my own eyes.   

TT then made way for Leighton and Norsemen saw the game out. Alleyn felt a little cheated by the ref, however Norsemen had the better of the play and finished their chances. Alleyn are a good outfit and shouldn’t be where they are in the league. Think they just need a bit of good luck and belief. 

Had a shower, but forgot to do the winky dance routine. Have to try and remember that for next week. Went into the club house and saw the old boys. Barry asked to be mentioned in this week’s report so here you are Barry Ayres; this is your 2 seconds of Norsemen fame. Barry is the father of Reggie Ayres. Not only is Barry still better than Reggie at football, he is also more popular. 

Got a lift home from the folks and managed to fit the bed into the lift at the flat luckily. Put it in my room to make and discovered it was a king size bed. This would have been ok, but I have a double mattress. What a nob. Got to go back to Lakeside and inevitably have another cup of tea in the presence of Tracey again. Brillifuckingant.

Went round Paulas flat for a house party and got smashed. Tried to win money playing pool, but failed miserably. Thomas turned up with Lou at 10 and we had some champagne. Somebody managed to break the toilet seat. Not sure how. At 3 I went to bed and had a nice dream.

Good night world.

NORSEMEN FC VS HSBC

Norsemen FC vs HSBC

Saturday 26^th February

Edmonton Sports Ground

2.30

Norsemen hit bankers for six

Dear Diary,

Woke up today at a stupid time and was unable to go back to sleep. Very annoying. Decided to watch a film about a boy in a mental illness hospital ward. The film has probably been placed under the comedy umbrella; however it wasn’t very funny, despite having the beardy bloke from the Hangover in it. It filled the time before breakfast. Thomas arrived home from Louise’s and we had a nice chat. Myself, Thomas and his Dad then walked to get a lovely breakfast. Thomas’ Dad chose the controversial breakfast of kippers. I’m not going to lie, they smelt really fishy. Not surprising as they are fish I guess. 

Went home and packed our bags and then set off for Edmonton. Thomas and myself invented a little game a year back called “Hat watch”. Now this game is probably my favourite game bar none. I am going to lay down the particulars of the game in case anybody feels like they want to play it. 

Goal

To spot as many men wearing large hats in one pass of a designated area. 

Rules

The route is the A10 and starts at the traffic lights of Manor Road and ends at the traffic lights of St Ann’s Road. Any spotting’s outside of this area is rewarded with extra points as the men are deemed to be out of “Jurisdiction”. The gentleman must be wearing a large hat and must be of adult status. 

Ok so the points are allocated as such:

A man spotted on foot                                   - 1 point

A man spotted on a bike                                - 2 points

A man spotted in a car                                   - 2 points

A man spotted on public transport                 - 10 points

A man spotted outside Jurisdiction                 - Double points

Any false calls                                               - Deduct 1 point

The points tally is loosely kept by the passenger (Me) and then once the end traffic lights have been crossed the victor is declared. Thomas seems to favour the darker conditions. My eyes are too small to identify the personnel on the dimly lit streets. I don’t favour any conditions but I win from time to time. This game isn’t all too dissimilar to playing the different colour car counting game whilst on a long trip. 

Back to Saturday 26^th February and we are approaching the Manor Road traffic lights. The weather is grey, rainy and cold. We thought this would be an issue for “Hat watch” as they wouldn’t want to get their hats wet. Rightly so too as they look like they cost a fair bit.  Problem solved with the addition of a custom made anorak to allow them to wear their hats. Probably one of the most underrated inventions of the 21^st century. Thomas was victorious this time with a score of 8 to my 5.  

Ok so eventually we get to Edmonton and we park up. Arrive a little bit later than everyone else and as a result everyone is already in the changing room. Cass is wearing Ski gear which he now wears to ride his moped. It is an interesting outfit to say the least. What is nice is that his ski jacket is the same colour as his bike. It is a pleasant compliment. Brings out the bikes wheels..... I dish out some high fives. I purposely ignore Arda’s hand. He is still in my bad books for cheating at training on Tuesday. I have already decided to forgive him, however he won’t be off the hook until later in the day. He tried to laugh it off but you could see in his eyes that he was hurting. We get changed and the Chef puts on some of his music. It is a bit ropey but it is good background noise.

Once everyone has changed into their uniforms, we jog out to warm up. A slight problem this week, the 1^st team pitch is extremely moist. So much so that there are puddles covering most of it. A decision is made by the gaffer to play on the far Grocers pitch. Fingers crossed we don’t get rain this week so we can start using the nice pitch again. The Grocers pitch is still moist, don’t get me wrong, but it is a lot drier than the main pitch. The centre of the pitch in particular is bad, but the most talented Norsemen play’s centre midfield so it doesn’t affect his game much. If anything it merely brings him back down to mortal status..... 

We warmed up in what seemed to be a pond. Thought it would be a good idea to lay down and do some stretches. It wasn’t.

Macca turned up to watch this week in his wellington boots. His wife probably made him wear them. 

The team was as follows:

GK Michael

LB Muzza

RB Ossie

CB Tajae

CD Reed

LM Hempsey

RM Ballers

CM Tadd

CM TT

CF Leroy

CF Jarrett

Subs:

Arda

Bradley

Weaver

Thomas

Again a very strong starting 10. Ballers has paid his annual subs just like everyone else so I guess he deserves to play. Bit annoying that Thomas keeps selecting him to be honest but then such is life.

It is 2.30 and time to kick off. HSBC have the better of the opening encounters with a couple of long range efforts. However Norsemen quickly raise their game and take control. The game being played on a small pitch meant that the defensive lines were able to be played high. This forced Norsemen to try and play the ball over the top for Leroy and Jarrett to run on to. After 10 minutes Muzza took a throw in on the left hand side of the pitch to TT, who delightfully chested it back to Muzza’s feet. Muzza hoofed it up field for Leroy to chase. Leroy used his pace to get away from his marker and with the penalty box in sight Leroy was scythed down by the last HSBC defender. The ref had no choice but to send the HSBC player off and award Norsemen with a free kick on the edge of the box. Hempsey passed up the chance of taking the free kick to Jarrett. Jarrett took a lazy run up to the ball and hit a firm shot at the keeper. The keeper made the save, but fumbled it. Leroy was on the scene to convert the loose ball and make it 8 goals in 4 games. I believe at this point HSBC changed to the 4-4-1 formation.

5 minutes later and Norsemen had made it 2-0. Some nice interchange play in the middle released Leroy who rounded the keeper and tapped it in. This may not have been how the goal went in but that is how I remember it in my head. Either way it was Norsemen 2-0 HSBC.

Norsemen took their foot of the pedal at this point, even though it was barely on it. I would say that we went from 1^st gear, into neutral. The game became sloppy and Norsemen almost gave up, thinking that the game was already won as we had a 2 goal lead over 10 men. Up steps Gav Reed and Ballers. Gav Reed collected the ball in defence and played a one-two with Os. He then thought let’s try this again. Unfortunately he tried it with Ballers. Ballers obviously couldn’t return the ball to Gav’s feet. The ball fell to the HSBC number 7 who slotted the ball through for their lone striker. For once Tajae was on the wrong side of the defender (this is the first time I have seen him make such an error). The HSBC attacker out muscled Tajae (to be fair to Tajae the lad was a unit) and hit a hopeful effort from outside the box. Michael misjudged the bobble in front of him and the ball somehow ended up in the back of the Norsemen goal. Norsemen 2 -1 HSBC.  

The game died out even more before half time. All in all not a spectators game. The gaffer was not happy and made the squad run back to the changing room at half time. This was annoying as we couldn’t have been any further away from the changing rooms. I can’t remember what was said but we did get a telling off. There was finger pointing and swearing. My mum reads this from time to time so I can’t put the rude words in.  

We then begin the epic trek back to the Grocers pitch for the second half. HSBC look baffled to why we have taken so long. 

The second half begins and Norsemen start with a bit more urgency. I would say we started in 3^rd gear. Within 5 minutes Norsemen had grab the game by the coin purse and started to dominate possession and attack. Despite the pitch being bad in the middle, the ball was played around nicely and we started to carve out chances. *

About 10 minutes into the second half Leroy made it 4-1. Again not sure what happened exactly but I will just say that Leroy was played through and he managed to slot it past the keeper. 

2 minutes later and a nice Ossie ball over the top was met by the run of Leroy. Leroy held the ball up in the box and waited for Jarrett to make his way into the middle of the area. The ball was played to Jarrett who thought about hitting it first time but didn’t. Jarrett then proceeded to just stand in the box with the ball and take his sweet time. It look almost as if he didn’t like scoring. Eventually he decided to smack it into the net. His hardest chance of the game and he scored it. Well done Paul.

Another 5 minutes later and the game was won. A nice ball from TT found Hempseys feet. Hempsey in turn played it up to Leroy’s feet. Leroy turned and beet his man. He then passed it to the HSBC keeper, who to be fair had a good game. The ball somehow managed to slip through the keepers arms. When I say pass I actually do mean a pass. It was a weak excuse for a shot. Norsemen 6-1 HSBC. That is 11 in 4 for little Leroy now. Well done him. Leroy was then replaced by Arda. 

The foot was then well and truly taken off the gas and the game became messy and ugly. HSBC had a nice attack up the left wing. The HSBC mugged off TT and Hempsey and made his way to the touch line. He then had a shoot/cross which Muzza decided to catch. Ref had no option but to give HSBC a penalty. Muzza moaned about it not being a penalty but it blatantly was. Having said that the ref didn’t give Norsemen 2 stone cold penalty calls. I think the ref felt like he had to make up for the early sending off of the HSBC player though. The penalty was despatched very well by the chap who mugged off TT and Hempsey. Norsemen 6-2 HSBC.

TT made way for Thomas. Norsemen had a couple of chances in the last 10 minutes but by this time everyone had given up. The ref blew his whistle and Norsemen had earned another 3 points.

*Ballers tackled a goal in and put his goal tally back to 0 for the year. 

We all had a shower. I somehow managed to become the boot cleaning b1tch. I must have cleaned 6 pairs. This meant no time to show off the new willy dance. Tadd had a 40 minute shower with his flannel. 

We all got drunk in the bar and watched a very mediocre England vs France rugby match. Travelled back to Shoreditch with Thomas’ dad. Stopped off at my lady friend’s house for a trip to the little boy’s room. She looked very surprised by the flying visit. Met Jarrett and Stu in the pub and had a jolly good time talking about the 3D wallpaper. It looked like corrugated Iron, but it wasn’t. It was a little bit like a Paul Daniels trick. 

Thomas and Lou then met us for some more drinks. Lou left to go and hang out with a Ladies football team in Soho and we made our way to Brick Lane for some food.

As soon as we hit the Lane we were offered numerous offers. After some time to consider the offers we noticed Tom and Jarrett had already been dragged into a restaurant so we thought we should follow them. The deal they were offered was one free beer. This free beer happened to be a thimble of beer. Oh well you win some, you lose some. Food was average. The turning point came when we realised we couldn’t pay by card. Conveniently the restaurant had an ATM in it. Why would it not! This ATM was placed nicely next to our table. Some klutz only went and left some money in it. I think the saying goes “money goes to money”. 

 Thomas used his animal instinct of spotting money and spotted the crisp £10 note. We took it, I am not afraid to admit it. Like the other saying goes “Finders, keepers, losers, weepers”. Finished the meal and went home to bed. 

Night world.