Old Salesians FC vs Norsemen FC

Old Salesians FC vs Norsemen FC

 Saturday 17^th September

 Ewell

 15:00

Norsemen profit from late summer sales

Dear Diary,

Another Saturday and another game of footy. Pretty much the same routine as last week. Thomas and Lou were away, so I had the run of the flat. Watched the rugby in my pants. Had a continental breakfast of Pain au choloat with jam, muffins and a cup of tea. Bloody lovely it was.

So….. managed to plan ahead today and have an early shower and packed my bag. NRC sorted his train times out this week so that we would arrive at the ground only an hour before the game. This meant I could take my time in getting to Liverpool St to meet Gavin. Gavin wasn’t wearing his white carnation as promised, so I struggled to locate him on the tube. Luckily the tube was empty so I managed to spot him. We had a brief chat about our mid week activities and then invented a very good game. For some reason two people had carelessly left Argos supplements on the tube seats. Why would people give up such good toilet literature? 

Anyway, Gavin and myself took an Argos magazine each and looked for the worst thing under £10. Now considering how rubbish Argos is, they didn’t have many products under £10. This meant a lot of frantic page flicking in order to find the £10 products first. Luckily for me, Gavin has fat fingers and spent a lot of the time turning two pages at once. The winning choice was a copy of Stacey Solomons autobiography at £9.99. To me that book is over priced by £9.98. Good luck with shifting those Mr Argos.

Sadly the game had to end when we got to Waterloo. We had 15 minutes to spare before the train left so we went to buy some food from M&S. Gavin gave me a speech about how bad pasta is for you and I should just be eating plain bread and other boring foods. I ignored him and bought some pasta. He bought some apple bread and a yoghurt. What a g@y......... We get on the train and then meet the others minus Weeroy, Thomas, Phil and Mark on the train. Mark was running late and Phil stayed behind to wait for him and Weeroy and Thomas had their respective whips.

Bit of banter flying about on the train. Most of it aimed at the gaffer and Ossie. Ossie got ribbed about his first game for Norsemen and the horrible error he made for the oppo to score. The gaffer was ribbed about a few things. James asked for a bit of Gavin’s apple loaf and Gavin made a cheap comment about the gaffer’s timber issues. James reacted negatively to Gavin’s mean words and decided against having a bit of bread.

We eventually get to Ewell and disembark the train. Hempsey makes sure everyone beeps out with their oyster. Even when off duty he is still a bloody jobs worth….. We then follow the leader (Hempsey I think) to the Salesians ground. We arrive to glorious sunshine and a very nice pitch. The only problem with Salesians ground are the lack of hot water and the tree over the pitch in the far corner. Those points aside, Salesians is a very nice club.

So we go in to change. A member of Salesians walks into the changing room and informs us the boiler has broken so we will have to have cold showers. Cocky Joe then pipes up and says “do we get a complimentary jug then?” The man doesn't even humor Joseph. Instead he tells Joe to “watch his cheek”. Joe was quiet after that. I think that is what is known as a 'mugging off'.

Luckily I am really childish and easily excited, so I get changed first and run outside to kick the ball at the goal on my own. Because if this I am not involved in the conversation of “should we take our bags outside?” The verdict was to take them out; after all it was a nice day. Nobody bothered to take my bag out. Cheers guys. I will come back to this later.

So we line up as follows:

GK Anthony (New recruit)

LB Muzza

RB Ossie

CB Ballers

CB Tajae

LM Hempsey

RM Morais

CM TT

CM Tadd

CF Reg

CF Weeroy

SUBS

Thomas

Mark

Morris

At 3.00pm we kick off. Again Norsemen start slow. I'm not sure if we started slow, or if Salesians just started very quickly. The first 10 minutes were dominated by Salesians possession. They move the ball around with a lot of confidence and purpose just like Nottsborough did the week before. Salesians have a strong team all over the park, unlike teams in the lower divisions that would have a weakness somewhere in the team. The main difference in the leagues, apart from the quality of players is the movement off of the ball. The ball hardly stops and this gives you no time to stop and catch your breath. I'm not sure if Salesians aren't fully match fit yet, but after about 20 minutes of attacking the Norsemen goal, with only one real chance being created, they took their foot of the gas. This allowed Norsemen to get some possession under their belt and show what they can do with the ball. Two or three times Weeroy was released on goal, only to shoot at the keeper. I think the game vs Cockfosters on the Thursday hadn’t been kind to Leroy. For once his shooting looked tired. A fresh Leroy would have bagged a brace in the 1^st half. As usual though Reg and Leroy put in good shifts upfront, defending from the top. This work rate is part of the successful season Norsemen enjoyed last year. About 25 minutes into the half the heavens properly opened and to say we got drenched was an understatement. I had to change my shorts after half an hour as somebody had pinched the drawstring and they kept falling down from being so wet. Mark kindly gave up his shorts for me. What a lovely bloke!

Back to the bag situation. Because nobody bothered to bring my bag out, my bag was nice and dry in the changing room and everyone else’s bag's got drenched. Serves them right for being selfish! We go back in at half time and everyone moans about their wet stuff. I just sit there looking smug and listen to what James has to say. We are playing well and had the better chances in the first half, so just more of the same is what James asked for. 

We trot back out as the conditions in the changing room became a little too close for comfort after Joseph dropped what can only be described as a couple of Hiroshima’s…….

No changes made at half time so we get into our little positions and await the ref’s whistle. Two quick points I missed from the first half, Tadd for the first time didn’t win one header (this really got to him as he isn’t use to it) and we had linesmen this week.

The game re-starts and Salesians start positively. TT’s raking ball out to Gav Morais was blocked from kick off and Norsemen were put instantly under pressure. If the ball hadn’t been intercepted then I am near on 99% sure Gavin would have scored. 

Norsemen started the 2^nd half with an air of belief that they could get something from the game and on the 60 minute mark their constant hard work paid dividends. From a Muzza corner, Tadd won his first header of the afternoon and managed to pick out Gavin on the 6 yard box. Gavin swiveled like a ballerina and lashed the ball home. Yesssssssssss. We go nuts and take the lead. Old Salesians 0 – 1 Norsemen.

After the goal went in Norsemen grew in confidence and started to string some nice play together. Tadd, TT and Hempsey combined down the left hand side, only to see TT’s wild shot skew horribly wide. Shortly after this Norsemen increased their lead. Some good pressure on the right side of the pitch saw the ball fall to Leroy’s feet. Leroy spotted the run of a Norsemen shirt and slotted the ball through. Who was it you ask? Only super bloody Tajae. The Salesians defence cried for off-side, however we all know to play to the whistle. Tajae was 1 on 1 with the keeper, somewhere he doesn’t normally find himself. Did he slot it past the keeper? No. Did he round the keeper and slot the ball into the empty net then? No. Did Tajae give the keeper the eyes and then chip the keeper? Yes, that is what Tajae did. I think he may have miss hit it, however Tajae gives me his word he meant to do that. Tajae then ran over to the corner flag and held out his arms, ready to be lifted in glory. I seemed to be the only player to bother with the celebration. Still we had fun over by the corner flag. Old Salesians 0 – 2 Norsemen.

Salesians started to rally after the 2^nd goal was scored and started to get back on top of the game. However Norsemen’s fighting mentality well and truly kicked in at this point and we offered Salesians no room to breathe. Many a ball was put into the Norsemen box in the last 15 minutes, however due to a combination of them being rushed and Norsemen’s defending, nothing came of the possession. At the final whistle Norsemen were to be fair the deserved winners of the game. Again I think Salesians were shocked at Norsemen’s work ethic, just as Nottsborough were the week before. Norsemen won the lower division the year before with the same mentality. We have plenty of ball players, but our team spirit and abundance of energy seems to be something that Dan Ashley’s “super 6” don’t like.   

We leave the pitch buzzing again. This is of course until it dawns on us that we now have to have cold showers. Reg doesn’t mind so much as he went to a private school. He was use to the cold showers. Some of the more precious players decided against the cold water and would wait until they got home to get clean. We tried to come up with a song for our new Weeroy however nothing rhymes with Tajae. Tajae tried to sing one himself but couldn’t think of an actual song either. His attempt at singing his own name was a good effort, but all in vein. We go and get our meal of two sausages, chips, beans and a bread roll and then sit down to have a chat in the club house. Hempsey said he had just called Cashley and that Cashley sounded very surprised about our result. I think most clubs have us down as just being here to make up the numbers this year!

We then all head back to the train station to head back into London for a couple of cheeky ones. Muzza and Tadd run off to the off licence to get some travel beers, only to return empty handed. They said there was no off licence; however to pikey kids at the station mug them both off by laughing and telling them it was 50 meters further from where they had run. Well done Tadd and Muzza. We all get on the train beer less. We lose Ballers, Tadd and Anthony at Vauxhall. The rest of head to the glamour of the Waterloo Weatherspoons where we bump into EBOG’s. Tadd makes small talk with a couple of them whilst we sit down and get drunk. 

Now I don’t normally like to point the finger, but for this I think I am going to have to. Whilst sitting down and enjoying a pint of beer, my nose was violated more than once by a very high pitched and stinging smell of egg. Somebody had some serious issues last Saturday. Despite my displeasure, my spirits remained high due to the table next to ours being populated by a family which included grandparents. The look on the grandmother’s face when she caught a whiff of the rotten egg was priceless. Now the finger pointing has to come in when Phil, Muzza, Joe and James headed off early. The egg smell suddenly disappeared. I hope one of them felt utterly ashamed of themselves. Reg then made a sharp exit. Tadd, Hempsey and myself we were enjoying Waterloo so much that we decided to visit another drinking establishment in the station. 

Unfortunately in this new place, which I have no idea what it was called, there was one lonely Welsh guy. He was f@cked. He didn’t even know what he had done that day. That didn’t stop Tadd from inviting him over to have a drink with us. Two pints down and we were looking for excuses to get away from him. The guy took a shinning to Tadd and even offered to buy him drinks. Tadd wanted to accept but decided against it and left with Hempsey and myself. Outside the pub a fight had just been broken up by about 30 police. The fight was between a large quantity of homeless bums. It was a bit like fight club. I said my goodbyes to the last 2 standing Norsemen and then made my way over to Soho to meet Cashley. My Saturday nights have a recurring theme recently. Annoying Welsh men and a Judas ex keeper. Me and Cashley get horribly drunk and then head to Karaoke and sing Remix to Ignition. Walk home at 3.30 down the middle of the road as no other soul was about.

Night world.

Nottsborough FC vs Norsemen FC

Nottsborough FC vs Norsemen FC
 Saturday 10^th September
 Tolworth
 15:00
 Welcome to the Top Division

Dear Diary,
 So…… here we are again. Another season, but this time we are mixing it with the big boys. The fixture man decided to make it a nice start for Norsemen by making us travel to the dirty south for the first game of the season.

I know what you are thinking. What did I have for breakfast? 4 slices of toast with strawberry jam and a cup of tea. Bit of a weak breakfast today. It would have been better, however I was too consumed by the poor language being displayed by the English rugby players. I say poor, but I actually mean funny. I took a casual look at my phone to find out the time and noticed I had once again left football preparation to the very last minute. I have 20 minutes before I need to meet Gavin and I haven't packed or had a shower yet. Sh1t.

Somehow I manage to shower, pack my bad and get out of the door within 20 minutes. This then brought up another a problem. Because of the rush I hadn't thought about what the weather was like outside. Turns out it was clammy. We all know not to wear the colour grey in these conditions. I think it is one of the first things we learn at school.

1. How to spell your name

2. Not to wear grey when it is warm and clammy outside

3. How to count to 10

I meet Gavin on the front of the tube to Bank. He was wearing a white carnation in his breast pocket as promised. I tried my very best to not have to raise my arms as there are some moist patches. Eventually I gave in and try to cool down by putting my arms up. People move away from me and Gavin pretends to read the horoscopes so that he doesn't have to associate himself with me. We then change tube and get off at Waterloo where we met up with everyone's favourite ginger man called Muzza. I was slightly confused when I exited the tube as there was another gent with ginger hair in front of Muzza. I started to call out Muz, only for the guy to ignore me. I thought to myself “Why is Muzza being such a rude pr1ck today.” My bad as it was a simple case of mistaken identity. Gavin and myself give the real Muzza a quick hug and then we head to platform 5 to get our train.

We chat in peace for 5 minutes, before being joined by the rest of the gents (minus Weeroy) at Vauxhall station. Jacko looks a bit worse for wear so goes and sits up the other end of the train with Taj and Mark. Obviously as it is the first game of the season there is a lot of banter flying about. I am lucky to be sat next to Macca and Ossie. Ossie has just got back from Ibiza. He told me he tapped up a bit of skirt out there, however he didn’t realise how nice she was until he made friends with her on Facebook when he got home. Let’s be honest Ossie, everyone puts their best picture as their Facebook profile picture. I would trust your own eyes over a photoshoped profile picture.

We eventually get to Tolworth and disembark the train. Some rude guy didn't wait for us to get off the train before he climbed on. I turned to Jacko and said “somebody doesn't have any train etiquette”. Jacko turned to me with a blank expression as if I had just made up a word. That is our future........

We get to the ground and at this point banter is at an all time high. Myself, Gavin and Ballers walk towards the front door of the changing rooms and Gavin notices a sign that reads 'no studs allowed in the building'. Gavin, thinking on his feet, says “Here, Ballers you aren't allowed in mate” (whilst pointing at the sign.) Ballers blushes and we all have a chuckle. Banter hey!

So we get into the changing about an hour and a half before the game. Either we are very ken, or NRC got his train times wrong. I will let you make up your own mind on that. My natural instincts would be to blame NRC straight away.

Jacko looks in a bad. He was boasting that he got in at 9 this morning and didn’t know where he was. When asked why he went out, he said he forgot it was the first game of the season. Silly boy.  We try to take our time to get changed, however excitement quickly takes over and we all change as quick as we can so that we can go and kick the ball about. We then get quickly called back in for Phillip to name the team.

GK. Jacko

RB. Ossie

LB. Muzza

CB. Joe Morris

CB. Macca

RM. Gavin

LM. Hempsey

CM. Tadd

CM. TT

CF. Reg

CF. Weeroy

SUBS

Ballers

Taj

Mark

Taj and Jacko then spend the next 10 minutes fighting/flirting, before Gavin decides to sit between them and brake up the fun. We then get plenty of fluids on board for the 20 minute walk to the pitch.

We start warming up and what do you know, it starts to rain. Brilliant. Whilst warming up, I notice out the corner of my eye, a station wagon driving across the fields. It is only the bloody old boys. Nigel, Barry, Forbes, Chunky and Mike risked the wrath of the grounds men and sneaked across the pitches in their car. It is always a treat when the old boys turn up to show their support.

The time turns to 3.00 and it is time to kick off. I won’t beat around the bush, Nottsborough are a very good team and for the first 20 minutes we were chasing their shadows. I’m not sure if it was because we felt intimated by them or if it was for the fact that they are bloody good. The 3^rd man running from midfield was very hard to deal with on a personal note. So here are the main points from the opening 20 minutes:

·         We touched the ball 3 or 4 times

·         Nottsborough had a great shot come back off of the bar

·         Macca chopped their number 9 down outside the box. He didn’t get booked, but the referee did give a penalty

·         Nottsborough opened us up like a cheap can of beans and easily scored a second goal

·         Jacko is an idiot

·         Jacko got sent off because he didn’t like Nottsborough scoring and has no respect for his “team mates”.

·         Joe Morris went in nets

From here the game turned. Tadd slotted in at centre back with Macca, Gav went centre mid, Reg went out wide left and Weeroy was left on his own upfront. For some strange reason Nottsborough took their foot off of the gas, or we upped our game massively. For the remainder of the half neither team had a clear cut opportunity; however Norsemen started to play with a bit more belief and started to play the ball out of defence and regained possession. Reggie was talking a good game and the rest of the midfield 3 were putting in a lot of effort to close down and win the ball back. After the game Reg told me he felt like he was just running shuttle runs up and down the wing.

At half time we went in 2-0 down, but felt good. Phil gave us a rallying talk and managed to make everyone feel good about themselves, despite the circumstances. I went to do a wee half way through the talk so missed most of it. I am just going on people’s faces when I returned to the group. No changes were made at half time so we went back out and lined up in our positions again. This half, Norsemen had the wind behind them and the belief that they may even be able to nick a goal. 

We started the 2^nd half much better than the 1^st half. Norsemen played the ball around nicely at the back and started to play with confidence. We even started to put some attacking moves together. Ten minutes into the 2^nd half, Macca made way for Tajae. 

With our continuing growing of confidence, the game was starting to be played more in the Nottsborough half. The 2^nd half was about 20 minutes old when Norsemen won a throw within the Nottsborough final 3^rd. All week there had been banter on emails suggesting what we would do if we managed to beat Dan Cashley in goal.  Most of them involved pointing and laughing.

Coleman trots over to collect the ball and walks back to get a run up. He stands next to Forbes who tells him to chuck the ball right at Dan Ashley with that beautiful trajectory. Cashley won’t know what to do with it, despite watching it for the previous 5 or 6 years, week in, week out. Low and behold Daniel Gustav Ashley flaps at the ball and pushes it into his own net. He claims to have been pushed, however the nearest player to him was Weeroy. There is no way Weeroy could move such a weight like Daniel……. I turn to look at Forbes and he stands there with a grin on his face. I look a little sheepish as it isn’t really football. But then again their 1^st goal wasn’t a penalty. Game on. Nottsborough 2 – 1 Norsemen.

Reg makes way for Ballers and Hempsey is replaced by Mark. Norsemen have belief now that they can actually get something from this game. We start to play neat football and look to move forward at every opportunity. Nottsborough don’t look overly sure at the back due to Weeroy’s relentless running and they keep looking to knock the ball long. 

With roughly 10 minutes left on the clock the ball is worked down the Nottsborough right. The ball is moved inside to their number 10 who neatly turns Taj and Tadd and manages to get a shot off. The shot squeezes past Joe in goal, only to hit the foot of the post. The ball was then collected by Tadd who gets the ball out to Mark on the left. Mark beat two men and found Weeroy just outside the Nottsborough box. Weeroy beat his man and then had a look up. Weeroy spotted the Nottsborough keeper off his line and neatly curled the ball over the misplaced keeper and into the net. We went f-ing mental. Annoyingly I missed Barry Ayers run onto the pitch celebrating. I was too busy chasing Weeroy to start a bundle. The ref was having absolutely none of it and blew his whistle. We all trotted back sheepishly to the half way line. Nottsborough 2 – 2 Norsemen.

With 5 minutes left on the clock, Nottsborough finally got that kick up the a$$ that they had lacked all half. Norsemen however were determined not to be beaten. In fact if the game had gone on an extra 5 minutes, who knows what would have happened. What actually happened though was the ref blew his whistle and the game finished 2-2. 

To say Norsemen deserved the draw is a fair comment. We showed huge hunger/determination and team spirit. Nottsborough obviously have a lot of class, as they showed in the opening 20 minutes, however I am not sure they have come up against many teams that have wanted to win as much as Norsemen. 

We walk off buzzing with excitement. It literally felt like a cup final win. We shouldn’t feel like we don’t belong in this league as we have only lost 1 competitive league game in over a year. Norsemen have shown they have what it takes to play against the best teams in this league and get a result. 

After the 25 minute walk back to the changing rooms we all do our willy dances and sing Weeroy’s name. Weeroy quickly makes a quick exit as he is embarrassed. We then follow our favorite ex Norsemen to the Goals bar to get our food. Nasty microwave hot dogs. Probably the worst meal (if you can actually call it that) after a game. We get drunk with the old boys, whilst listening to Forbes and Nigel use some course language. We are then moved to the “bar next door” by the bar manager due to a function being held in the main room. The “bar next door” turned out to be the reception area with a few tables in it. We watched some of the football whilst asking the Nottsborough centre back about his date in Wimbledon. In the end the numbers whittle down to Macca, Reg, Muzza, Gav, TT, Cashley and the Nottsborough centre back.

Despite the fact that we enjoy standing in receptions, it is decided we move somewhere with a bit more atmosphere. A local off-licence is visited where Reg looks at the gentlemen’s literature, whilst the rest of us get some travel beers and spoof shots. 

We catch the train and Daniel takes over with the drinking rules. We both have two cans each and are instructed to have them both finished by the time we have reached Waterloo. He even gave us a halfway point to make sure we had one can finished by then. I have missed having a bossy goalkeeper. We then start spoof. Obviously Reg makes the final. This time he is up against Gavin. Gavin loses, but pretends he likes whisky. It takes him 3 gulps to get the whisky down. Reg then makes it to the second final against TT. TT managed to f@ck it up and ends up with the vodka. TT knows he doesn’t deal well with vodka, but thinks to himself don’t make a scene, just man up and drink it. TT does this and then swallows back down his sick. We arrive at Waterloo and everyone bar Reg has finished their cans. To be fair he spent the most time playing spoof. He does need to stop being such a pu$$y at drinking though. 

We hit the nearest pub and then decided it is sh1t, so move on to the next one round the corner. Spoof is started again and this time it is Macca who ends up drinking Baileys or something. He whines about it in his silly little tone. By this point we are starting to get pretty hammered. This would normally be the time that Reg would point and say “look over there” and then slip off back to his bed. Muzza thought he would prevent Reg from doing this by spilling his whole pint over Reg’s lap. Reg looked crossed. Muzza took Reg to the toilet and took his trousers off.  Reg then snatched his trousers back and spent the next 20 minutes holding them under the hand dryer. Whilst this was going on some Welsh lads, probably Ricky’s mates, came over to the table and tried to join in spoof. Nobody understood them and they walked off. 

Within the next half an hour, people started to make their excuses and they started to disappear until it was just left with Gavin and TT. 

Gavin and TT decide it is time for some food. They walk down to the embankment and get a savory crepe each. They sit down next to a girl and a boy. The girl isn’t blessed with looks and the boy is a white guy trying to look like a samurai. Please. Anyway the girl had good banter and the boy was happy to sit there and say nothing. Gavin started asking about the girls boyfriend who she keeps mentioning. Gavin then decides to mug the girls boyfriend off whilst looking at samurai boy. Samurai boy humors Gavin and smiles back at him. Gavin then asks samurai boy how he met his friend. The girl then butts in and tells Gavin that Shinobi is her boyfriend. Gavin shrugs and carries on eating his crepe. Boy and Girl quickly make their excuses and leave. 

We then get the tube back to Shoreditch and go to another bar and get horribly drunk. Get in at two, only to find I have been left with the kit to wash. Great.

Good night world.