BB Eagels vs Norsemen FC

BB Eagles vs Norsemen FC

Saturday 13^th November

Somewhere near Boston Manor

2.15 KO

Eagles hatch a plan to thwart Norsemen

Dear Diary,

So, another Saturday and another game of footie. I know what you are thinking, what did I have for breakfast. Well diary I will tell you. I had a milky cup of Earl Grey tea, 3 slices of homemade French toast, a generous spreading of Nuttela and a big heap of raspberries. Another cracking start to the day. My Mum has always told me that Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. (She actually has never said that to me but it is the kind of thing that parents normally say. My Mum only tells me stuff like remember to wash your sheets, remember to send Auntie Margaret a thank you card etc etc. No words of wisdom, just chores!)

Meet everyone at Kings Cross for a very early meet. Lots of people are standing outside the train station but I manage to spot Macca, James, Macca’s pa (or whatever they use for Dad up north), Muzza and Jarrett. I am already with Ossie and Mordi. Hempsey quickly nips off for a McDonalds and as a result Macca’s pa has to wait around for him whilst we choose to get the tube. 

The tube on Saturday 13^th November was manic as fuck! We manage to lose Hempsey and Macca’s pa. I think a lifelong friendship was struck up between the two in the following 2 hours they spent together. Everyone else met up with Phil, Tadd, Jacko and Tajae on the tube platform. They aren’t pleased as we told them we would meet them 40 minutes prior to the time we turned up. We all got on the tube and then Ossie went silent. He had a toothache. Bless him.....

A lot of jokes were made on the tube about what Hempsey and Macca’s dad were up to/talking about. I still can’t believe Hempsey had a pre match McDonalds. Probably gets a discount with his Network Rail card. Forgot to mention everyone’s moustaches. Hempsey and Macca are probably sporting the best ones at the moment. Hempsey does look a bit rapey though.

After spending the best part of an hour on the tube we arrive at our destination. Ossie still isn’t talking. We wait around on the platform for Hempsey and Macca’s pa. I get told off by Phil for getting the football out. Turns out the people we were waiting for were already at the station and waiting outside. Cheers Hempsey for a quick call to tell us you had arrived..........

We walk to the ground and meet Leeroy and Reggie. For some reason they decided not to talk to each other. Beats me. The pitch is looking good and the oppo are here so we decide it is time to put our blue uniforms on. Ossie still hasn’t muttered a word. 

The team for today is as follows:

GK – Jacko

LB – Muzza

RB – Ossie

CB – Macca

CB – Tajae

RM – Jarrett

LM – Hempsey

CM – Tadd

CM – TT

CF – Reggie

CF – Leeroy

Subs

Mordi

As soon as we are kitted up we hit the pitch. It is lush. Ossie sits in the changing room whilst we go through our warm up. We manage to do a nice little once touch pass exercise. I would rate it in my top 5 team performances as far as the warm up goes. There was a buzz about the team after the warm up. 

Saying that as soon as we kick off the ref gives one of the most dubious penalty kicks I have seen. A long ball from the BB Eagles right back is ushered off for a corner via Macca’s face. Ref gives a penalty for handball. Shocking. From the resulting penalty Jacko pulls off a great save. Only problem is he is so busy admiring his save that he forgets to save the rebound. Not our best start! BB Eagles 1 – 0 Norsemen.

However within 5 minutes we start to get hold of the game and play some very attractive football. We are awarded a penalty shortly after for what was again a bit of a dubious decision. The ref obviously felt like he had to make amends for giving the earlier penalty. A nice threw ball from Jarrett finds Leeroy’s feet who is tackled by the centre back. Hempsey steps up for the spot kick and manages to hit it not only high but also wide. Not sure his pre match McDonalds agreed with him. Well done Hempsey.

Nether the less we picked our heads up and went at BB Eagles again, and again and again. We completely dominated play for the next 20 minutes. This was probably aided by the fact that Ballers was in South Africa. Around about the 20 minute mark Norsemen got their just deserved. A long ball from the BB Eagles back line (They like a long ball) was chased down by Macca. Macca showed a bit of composure with the ball and instead of kicking it out for a throw, found Muzza’s feet. Muzza in turn found Hempsey who in turn slipped in Leeroy. Leeroy smoked the BB Eagles left back and slotted the ball well past the BB Eagles goalie. 1-1.

For the rest of the half we played some great football, spreading the ball from side to side. BB Eagles always looked dangerous on the counter, but we managed to keep them to just counter attacks. 

Half time come and we knew if we carried on playing the way we did in the first half then chances would come. Phil and James gave some inspirational speeches. Again I didn’t really listen so I can’t relay what was said. 

Second half started and Norsemen were on top from the whistle. BB Eagles sent up camp early doors and looked to look after the draw. They did look dangerous on the counter but we managed to keep these to a minimum. Norsemen carried on passing the ball quickly and kept it simple. Ossie hit the post with a long range effort. The keeper nearly knocked himself out on the post in attempting to save the shot. 

Macca and Jarrett also hit the bar with headers from set plays and Leeroy managed to miss a low cross from Hempsey. BB Eagles had an effort late on that Jacko tipped onto his bar. 

Despite our efforts the game ended 1-1. I think with the balance of play and chances we should have won the game. However saying that BB Eagles are always a threat on the counter attack and despite our possessional advantage, they had their own chances to win the game. 

After the game we all had a shower but was unable to show off our willy dance routines as there was only 5 showers for both teams to share and it was a very confined space. Leeroy the slippery little tyke tried to run off without taking the kit. I ran after him and made him come back and get it. You think you know someone and then they go and do something like that. Unbelievable!!!!!

Walked to the pub where Hempsey and Macca’s dad had another chat. Had a couple of beers and then got the tube home. Ossie still has opened his mouth to speak. When out of nowhere he puts his hand to his ear and with a Cheshire cat grin royally mugs of Hempsey:

“Reports are just coming. BB Eagles have just found the ball Hempsey used for his penalty”

Ossie was so pleased with himself. We all point and mug Hempsey off. He has his normal little grin on his face. Bless him, he just likes to be involved in the group.

The tube was ridiculously busy. I got pinned into a corner by a fat American family. The woman kept on asking me questions about my “soccer team.” Fyi her son was extremely camp. After 20 minutes of small talk they waddled off and I was left in peace. Got home, watched a bit of match of the day and then went to see my lady friend. All in all a long day of travelling.

Good night world

Norsemen FC vs Hale End FC

Norsemen FC vs Hale End FC

Edmonton Sports Ground

Sat 6^th November

Hale Come To The End Of The Line

AFC Cup

Dear Diary,

Another Saturday and another game of footy. Today was to be an early meet due to the clocks going back and today’s game being a cup tie. My lady friend woke me up with French toast today. She is very nice like that. She also gave me a massage on my neck. What a start to my weekend. Before I knew it I was on my way back to the flat to rendezvous with Thomas.

A number of the 1^st team are doing Movember this year so Thomas and myself had to make sure of two things before we left.

1.       Moustaches were looking tip top

2.       We had the camera to take photos of everyone’s tash’s

The moustaches were looking as good as they possibly could after 5 days and we had the camera. Time to leave.  We hopped in the car and made the weekly homage to Edmonton. We seem to be at home a lot recently! Nothing really to report from the journey to the game apart from a weird chap in the petrol station. Firstly, he was wearing ladies pyjama bottoms whilst just standing around in the shop. Secondly, it was if a flip switched in his head and he went bonkers, running around the forecourt like a mad man. We quickly got in the car, buckled our seat belts, checked the mirrors, indicated and pulled off in a sensible manor.

Arrived at Edmonton Sports ground and went to meet our chums in the changing room. All the good ones were there. Bit of a shame Ballers decided to turn up early. We had a lovely warm up in our new training tops. Ossie has OI on his training top. This entertains me for hours. Ossie doesn’t find it very funny. Ossie doesn’t find much funny though. In fact the only time I see Os laugh is when Ballers tries to play football.

We line up as follows:

Gk – Jacko

LB – Muzza

RB – Ossie

CB – Gav Reed

CB – Tajae

LM – Hempsey

RM – Gav Morais

CM – Ballers

CM – Tadd

CF – Leeroy

CF – Jarrett

SUBS

James

Mordi

TT

A god looking side to face Hale End who have arrived in their pretty little green outfits. Hale End are having a decent season in the AFC Division 1. The AFC is the sister league to the SAL.

 Kick off

Neither team starts particularly well but Norsemen manage to create a few half chances with Ballers going close with an early drive.  Some more half chances come and go for Norsemen. With all the half chances we are having I decide it is safe to go and kick the ball around behind the goal with James and Mordi, thinking we will definitely score soon. The opposite happens and we concede. Not sure what happened really as I wasn’t paying much attention. All I saw was Jacko palming a cross/shot out and the striker nodding the ball into an empty net.

Norsemen then play terrible for the rest of the first half. Hale End have a couple more chances but end up going in 1-0 up at half time.  As I went to walk into the changing room at half time I was told to stay on the pitch with Neil and James and kick the ball around. Because of this I cant tell you what was said at half time. Soz.

Hale end choose to stay out on the pitch at half time.  Norsemen come out in drips and drabs for the second half and they look like they have been told off! Rightly so as well. Too many lacklustre performances in the 1^st half.

The half time rollicking seems to have done the trick and Norsemen start the second half with a bit of purpose. Ballers is moved out to right mid and Gav Morais moves into centre midfield. We start to put some nice moves together and about 15 minutes into the half we are rewarded. A neat move down the right hand side of the pitch sees Leeroy lay off a lovely ball to Hempsey who with his rapey tash strokes a lovely effort high into the goal. “yessssssss” is the shout from Thomas.

I knew at this point that we had the game in our hands and went to play football tennis with Mordi. We used the rope around the pitch. It was very fun and it kept us entertained for at least 10 minutes. Mordi was giggling with glee for the first 5 minutes.  I did manage to catch a glimpse of Norsemen’s second goal. A corner/free kick was swung into the danger zone. Jarrett who decided he wanted to play in the second (dont think he fancied it in the first half) got his noggin on the cross and headed goal wards. I believe Gav Morais got the final touch. Jarrett runs off celebrating the goal but we all know it was Gav who got the final touch. 

Shortly after this Ballers was involved in a nasty clash of heads. The verdict was he was concussed and would have to come off. He said he was fine. A good tactical move from Thomas though as Ballers is finding this football thing harder and harder each week. Coleman comes on in Centre midfield and Gav Morais moves back out to the right.

2 minutes later and Norsemen have their 3^rd goal. Norsemen are awarded a freekick on the left hand side of the pitch. Hempsey takes the kick and whips in a smashing little ball to the far post. Leeroy nicks in unmarked at the back post and slots into the unguarded net. At this point Hale End concedes defeat. Norsemen’s second half performance has deserved victory. With 10 minutes to go Jarrett and Leeroy make way for James and Mordi. Both teams have a couple of half chances. The final whistle is blown and Norsemen win 3 goals to 1. The back 4 for Norsemen have all had solid games today with Tajae standing out as man of the match.

Do a half hearted warm down and then walk to the changing room. A few nerves start to kick in as it is now the time for people to show off their Willy dance routines that we have all spent the whole week choreographing! Muzza probably gets the nod for best dance with the self titled ‘Go for it’ routine.

I am annoyed for two reasons for leaving the club house early today:

1)      Radio saying to Muzza “you were sh1t today Muzza”

2)      Radio offering a suggestion to why Tadd isn’t partaking in Movember “is it because it too rough when you head downstairs on your girlfriend”. Not the kind of suggestion expected but a suggestion none the less.

Whilst Radio is offering up his pearls of wisdom in the club house I am sitting on the 149 bus with Mordi. When I get back home I then trek down to Fulham and then trek all the way back up to Shoreditch. A lot of time spent on public transport today!

Just a quick rundown of the nights highlights:

·         Somebody got trapped in the doors of the 149 and the driver pulled off, claiming not to have seen the person. Eventually the driver stops and the woman goes fing mental! Bit awkward having to sit there and listen. Even more awkward was I was on the phone to somebody at the time and I completely stopped listening to the person on the phone in order to listen to the woman going mental. I think they hung up in the end.

·         At the party I went to in Fulham I had the following conversation with my lady friend:

Paula “I wish I had a shotgun with one bullet”

Me “why?”

Paula “Because I know who I would use it on”

Me “Where would you shoot them?”

Paula *Points to middle of the head*

Me “Who would you shoot”

Paula *Points to person standing on chair blowing toy instrument as hard and loud as humanly possible*

Me “ok”

(Note to self, don’t blow toy instruments loudly near Paula)

·         Nearly got turned away from an eighties themed bar for wearing trainers. Most people in the club were wearing trainers, including the bar staff......

·         Took about 3 hours to get home, despite the fact that from Holborn we were on a bus which defied the laws of physics by the speed it was travelling. For love nor money I can’t tell you how that bus didn’t topple when it went round corners.

Got home about 2 and went to bed. End of.

Good night world

Norsemen FC vs Crouch End Vampires

Norsemen FC vs Crouch End Vampires

Saturday 30^th October 2010

Edmonton Sports Ground

Vamps don’t have enough bite for victory

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning not feeling a picture of health. The reason being, and i am going to be brutally honest with you, i had been suffering with what the French like to call Le runs. The last 10 minutes, be it asleep, was the longest I had gone without having to run to the toilet. My special lady friend then mentioned there were sausages and eggs in the fridge for breakfast. I thought to myself if anything is going to be a test for my stomach ‘issues’ then a greasy sausage and egg bap would be such thing. I put on some clothing and trot to the kitchen. I decide to delay the cooking in hope that the Mrs. might cook instead and decide to watch ‘an idiot abroad.’ This delights me no end. Nobody comes out to cook so I go back in and get cooking away. I start on the sausages and then am joined by my lady friend. I plead that I am useless at cooking eggs and she takes over the duty. Yessssssss. An early victory for Ross James Coleman.

I then settle down on the sofa, eat the food and have a spoon. The stomach doesn’t like what is put in it but none the less it decides to hang on to it. After a good long spoon I notice I am running late so put my shoes on and run back home. Thomas is running even later than myself so I am off the hook! We pack our bags and set off for Edmonton. 

It is a special day today for everyone involved with Norsemen football club as it is the president’s lunch. Our glorious chairman Radio has some of his friends over for fish finger sandwiches and then they watch the 1^st team play a game of football. Luckily for the spectators it was a clash with local arch rivals, Crouch End Vampires. I arrive to find a full car park. Thomas isn’t happy as he has allocated himself “the gaffers spot” in the car park. This space was occupied so he had to park in the playground! We walk into the changing room and are handed nice new training tops from Macca. About time he did something right..... In all seriousness though he has come up trumps with these little beauties. They did cost 45 quid mind. Thomas instantly spoils the mood by not allowing us to wear the tops for the warm up. Something about not wanting to look like flash twats or something. 

Get changed and go out to kick the ball in the goal. Not sure what the 2’s were up to but they felt they would warm up with us. When I say warm up I actually mean nick our balls and ruin the pitch. I had the last laugh though as I put in a formal complaint to Ronnie. I hope he goes biblical on them and unleashes that famous Scottish rage he poses!

We lined up as follows:

GK – Jacko

LB – Ballers

RB – Ossie

CB – Tajae

CB – Macca

RM – Thomas

LM – Hempsey

CM – TT

CM – Tadd

CF – Leeroy

CF – Jarrett

SUBS

Muzza

James

Gav R

One thing to mention from the team talk. Not even 10 seconds had gone after Thomas announced Muzza on the bench, when Thomas then said for Muzza to take corners. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. Lots of snigger and pointing filled the next minute or so. Muzza was royally mugged off!!!!!

Despite the inclusion of Ballers this week (squad rotation policy) we look solid. I haven’t messed myself yet so all is looking good.

Kick off

Both teams start with a good pace. Crouch End probably have the better of the early possession, however they lacked end product. A couple of meaty tackles go in early doors with Tadd being the main culprit. It has been a bit of a rainy day so players are sliding about. I warned Tadd before the game to not wear mouldies as it was wet. Did he listen?! Did he f@ck. He got his punishment in the shape of a £10 fine though because of his silliness. A slip due to his footwear made him put in a late challenge and he is booked for this. Probably not as bad as Ballers tackle in the second half though. We will come back to that though.

First of all I have to mention the first goal. Some would say against the run of play, others would say good use of a counter attack. Who cares really as all that matters is that it was Norsemen that scored the goal. I believe a ball down the left from Hempsey found Jarrett who did very well the keep the ball in play and cross a low ball for little Leeroy to neatly put the ball in the back of the net with the outside of his right boot. Yey for Leeroy. 

The rest of the first half was quite scrappy due to the intensity of the game. I will hold my hands up and quote Muzza “I was having a b@stard of a game.” This didn’t really help the team. This didn’t really make much of a difference though as Maccas aerial dominance and Tajae’s covering at the back allowed Crouch End no joy in front of goal. The whole back 4 all had excellent games.  We knew it would be a tough game against Crouch End and as long as we got a goal we knew we would be in with a chance of winning the game.

We went in at half time one to the good. Thomas gave us a team talk at half time but for the life of me I can’t remember a word. No changes were made at half time so we lined up for the second half with a strong line up again (that is if you ignore Ballers.)

Early doors in the second half and Ballers showed two things:

1. Why he was included in the starting 11 this week. He put a crunching tackle in on the Crouch End right winger. It was a very naughty challenge to be fair and was probably lucky to just get a booking.
2. Ballers trade mark foul and run away tactic in order to go unpunished. He did this to perfection but the ref had a sharp eye and managed to pick Ballers out from the crowd of players already lining up for the resulting free kick.

Unlucky on that one Ballers. 5 minutes later and Thomas was put through on goal. The Crouch End right back made a great challenge to prevent Tom from being 1 on 1 with the keeper. As a result of the challenge Thomas landed on the defenders knee and winded himself/broke a rib. He had to be replaced by Muzza. Muzza slotted in at left back and Ballers moved to right mid. To be fair to Crouch End as much as they like a physical game and a moan, they do play a fair game. 

Slowly but surely in the second half Norsemen were finding a bit more time on the ball and they created a few chances. Crouch End did too and they managed to hit the bar with a goalmouth scramble. Our unlikely outlet for most attacks was Ballers. Ballers seemed to relish the chance at playing right mid and started to weave a bit magic down the right flank. 

Our second goal started with Ossie who played a neat ball down the line to Ballers. Ballers did the old show and go, completely taking the Crouch End left back out of the game. Ballers then composed himself (whilst being watched closely by 4 of the old boys) and whipped in a delightful cross which Leeroy met with a diving header. The ball hit the back of the net and there was a loud cheer for the club house and the watching old boys. However I wasn’t watching this as I heard a loud shreek for Tadd’s dad who runs onto the pitch in jubilation! What seemed to be a common Heath floor on the day was choice of footwear. A step too quickly and Mr Heath is lying on his back. This didn’t stop him from celebrating though. I personally am a big fan of the Heaths enthusiasm for life and everything that excites them!! Well done all. James replaces Jarrett with 10 minutes to go.

So we see out the game and manage to hold on to a 2-0 victory. A nice change for the spectators as this is my first victory on a presidents lunch day. We all do our little warm down and then head back to the changing room and display our willy dance routines we have been working on throughout the week. 

Next task is to head into the club house and see how the old boys thought we played. Hopefully well as we are unbeaten this season and sitting handsomely at the top of the league. Everyone has a couple of victory beers and mingles with the old guys whilst watching Tottenham gift a game of football to Manchester United.

Next port of call for some members of the team is Shoreditch. I have to go to the Misses birthday in Angel whilst Macca hangs with some northern folk in Shoreditch and Thomas heads to Farringdon for a rave. 

Fast forward 5 hours.

Ring Ring, Ring Ring

Me “Hello Macca”

Macca “Ey up”

Me “How can I help”

Macca “Were at t pub”

Me “ok”

Macca “You mentioned summit bout a party”

Me “That I did”

Macca “Is it alreet if I bring some mates”

Me “why not”

Macca “Super, see you in 5. I’ll bring some tins”

Me “see you soon precious”

And with that 5 minutes passed and Macca turned up at the flat. When Macca and his mates rocked up at about 11.30 there was give or take 25 people at the house party. There were some random eastern Europeans in the corner acting out some very sexual dancing! I didn’t watch them though as my lady friend was around.............

Macca mingles and his friends start playing pool. After half an hour Macca feels comfortable enough to start asking strangers for a dance off. Most people just politely smile at him. This is a polite way of saying f@ck off. Paula (Special lady friend) then surprises Macca and takes him up on the offer. I have never seen Macca look so happy. He finally has somebody to play with! A song is chosen and Macca starts to get down.

What I haven’t mentioned is the fact that Macca likes to think of himself as a bit of a mover. To give Macca his credit he has beautiful technique and rhythm on the dance floor. Some would say the best dancer at Norsemen. That is a hell of a claim though considering I have only seen at a push 10% of the Norsemen dance. 

Anyhow back to the dance off. Paula is a little intoxicated as it is her birthday, so I thought Macca would walk the dance off. I was wrong. Macca was played at his own game, literally. Paula somehow managed to copy every move Macca pulled off and basically mugged him off! Macca 1 down on the dance off. Several hours later after Macca had plucked up the courage to dance again he was mugged off again by a chappy that goes by the name of Mr Woody who pulled out caterpillars and all sorts. Macca left soon after this. Thomas arrived home to the flat and decided to bring half of Shoreditch with him. Must have been at least 100 people. I bailed out at 4ish and went to bed. Thomas carried on till about 7 and then pulled the plug on the fun!

All in all a good day. Won football, had a good drink and didn’t sh1t myself!

Good night world

Norsemen FC vs Weirside FC

Norsemen FC vs Weirside Rangers FC

Edmonton Sports Ground

Oct 23^rd 2010

Dominating Norsemen Take Rangers Up The Weir

Dear Diary,

My favorite day of the week has come around once again. I get to have a lie in and not go to work. I also get to play football with my friends and Ballers. So I wake up and have some breakfast and then head home. When I get home I am met by Thomas who is pumped about the game vs Weirside. And rightly so as it is a clash of the early leaders. I was talked out of getting in Thomas’ lovely sports car by Dobbo, who made me get London’s loved and trusted public transport. The 149 bus to be more specific. Two things that angered me about this. 1.Boris has been a little sod and changed the 149 service from a bendy bus to a double decker. This has put an end to free travel to and from lovely Edmonton. 2. It took 30 f ing minutes for the 149 to show its ugly new face. This made me late by half an hour. Thanks very much Boris. Well done you. I hate you. Not because you are a babbling idiot but because what you have done to the 149 bus. Unfuckingbelievable.

So I turn up for football half an hour later with Dobbo. Dobbo shoots off to make his Norsemen debut for the 7’s and I go and get changed. I meet Leeroy in the changing room. I don’t think he was expecting me to walk in as he was blearing out some Disney songs on his IPod. Funny lad our Leeroy.

Finally managed to get out with the other chaps and what do you know, Jacko goes and falls over on his finger. He only bloody injures himself doesn’t he. What a klutz! Thomas then runs off in search of a new keeper. Ricky wont give us JJ. I have always said he is spiteful. Thomas then goes to ask the vets for the use of Shay. The first thing Casey asks is “why don’t you take JJ?” Thomas thinking on his feet replies “The 2’s game has already kicked off.” A complete lie as Joe Morris is running back to the grocers pitch with the corner flags in his hand. The lie seems to work though and before you know it Ballers is attempting to warm Shay up. I say try because Ballers struggles with football and he normally kicks the ball wide. Shay has a good warm up fetching the ball though.

We line up as follows:

GK – Shay

LB – Muzza

RB – Ossie

CB – Macca

CB – Tajae

LM – Hempsey

RM – Gav Morais

CM – TT

CM – Tadd

CF – Leeroy

CF – Jarrett

Subs:

Arda

Ballers

Thomas

We have possibly the strongest line up possible now Ballers is on the bench…… He is good for team morale though.

It is 15.00 and it can mean only one thing. The referee lines up everyone on the centre spot and makes us shake each other’s hands. Think the referee thought he was refereeing the premiership or something. Anyway we all exchange our handshakes and well wishes and then line up for kick off.

Norsemen started where they finished off the week before at HSBC. There was some nice one touch passing and great intensity throughout the team. This could have something to do with Ballers being a spectator but I can’t confirm this. Leeroy went close very early on but unfortunately managed to lob the keeper and the goal.

About 15 minutes in and Norsemen go one up. After a neat move down the right hand side, Coleman is pushed over. Very uncharacteristically Coleman gets up and starts moaning at the ref. Thomas in turn moans at Coleman for giving up. Coleman doesn’t like this and thinks to himself “I will show Thomas giving up.” Coleman heroically picks himself up and chases a pass back to the Weirside centre back. Coleman just lashes at the ball and luckily puts a sliced cross into the Weirside area. Jarrett found himself in acres of space and calmly nods the ball into the corner of the goal. Norsemen 1 – 0 Weirside.

Norsemen gain confidence from the goal and start to dominate the game. A nice move down the left this time sees Hempsey whip in a ball that is half cleared to the edge of the area. Gav Morais takes a lovely first touch to take the ball away from the onrushing defender. Most people in this situation would just lash the ball aimlessly at the goal in this situation. Not Gavin. What Gavin did was calmly place a very slow volley into the corner of the net from the 18 yard line. Some would say it was a scuff but I have played with Gavin enough times to know there was no scuffing going on. Norsemen 2 – 0 Weirside.

Norsemen carry on with a very intense tempo and allow Weirsdie no time on the ball. Shay still hasn’t touched the ball at this point. Norsemen come close a couple more times before Leeroy pounces on a poor ball across the Weirside defence. Leeroy punishes the Weirside defence with a neat finish into the corner of the net. Norsemen 3 – 0 Weirside.

With 5 minutes left in the first half Norsemen scored a fourth. However the ref didn’t see it. Leeroy again pounced on some sloppy defending and played the ball across the goal to Jarrett. A will try and paint a mental picture of the scenario. Jarrett was standing about 4 yards from the goal line. The goalkeeper was laying on the ground about 6 yards to the left of the goal. A Weirside defender was standing on the near post. Jarrett blasted the ball into the back of the net. He blasted it so hard that the ball went through the net. There was no hole in the net though so Jarrett must have hit the ball so hard, the ball broke down into a molecular form, allowing it to pass through the net. Well either that happened or Jarrett actually missed an open goal from 4 yards. I am sticking with my original story though. Surely a player of Jarrett’s quality can’t miss such a chance.

Half time and Norsemen lead by 3 goals. Thomas gets us to sit down in the changing room and doesn’t have much to say. The reason for this being that we played a very good half. Simple as.

The second half begins and Norsemen are still buzzing. The Weirside team must have been on the end of a telling off as they seem to have upped their game by somewhat. Norsemen start with a couple of chances. One falling to Coleman who tried to bend the ball into the far corner with the outside of his boot. However he scuffed it and the ball nearly ended up in the bowls green.

Weirside then put together their first meaningful move of the game and with a ball being whipped in from the right hand side the Weirside central midfielder threw himself at the ball and scored a neat diving header. Best goal of the game. Probably Coleman’s fault for not tracking his man. However I believe his honesty will get him off the hook for the goal.

As the game went on it became a bit more stretched with Weirside looking to get back in the game. Norsemen tried to play on the counter. Leeroy made way for Arda and Muzza for Ballers. Arda managed to miss from 3 yards and Ballers managed to find touch with most of his touches. Safety first. Thomas came on with 5 minutes to go for Gav Morais and saw the game out to safety. The second half was a more balanced game. The game finished Norsemen 3 – 1 Weirside. Norsemen deserved the victory from their heroic first half display.

We all went in and did the usual array of willy dances in the showers and then got drunk in the bar after. All in all a lovely day.

Went home and stayed out of trouble.

Good night world.

HSBC FC vs NORSEMEN FC

HSBC vs Norsemen FC

16^th October 2010

HSBC pay out dividend

Dear Diary,

Here it is. The game that everyone wants to play. HSBC away. Woke up all excited having not played for two weeks. Was made a lovely breakfast and watched a bit of soccer am. What a morning! Walked home to find Thomas in his pants playing Pro Evo with our other housemate Dobbo. Dobbo isn’t very good at Pro Evo. He has one move where he runs down the line with the ball and then passes it across the box and hopes one of his little cyber men kicks it in the goal. We like to call this “scoring a Dobbo.” I had some more breakfast in the shape of tea and toast and then packed my bag. Thomas was running a little late so we hop in a taxi and motor on down to London Bridge. The taxi driver was a bit of a d1ck and kept trying to talk over myself and Thomas. He was like a needy little lap dog. “oo oo look at me I can do tricks and know really cool facts. The police in the city get paid more because they work in the city!” I was thinking to myself “F@ck off with your rubbish facts and keep your eyes on the road.” I obviously didn’t say that because my Mum has brought me up well. Saying that I have now used a naughty word in my Diary and she is more than likely to read this. I guess that means I am going to be grounded for 2 weeks.

Get to London Bridge and catch up with the gang. Everyone is buzzing. Leeroy turns up after a morning of Clay Pigeon shooting. He must have been in a rush as he forgot to give his shooting jacket back. Anyway we all make our way to the platform to get on the train. All of us apart from Leeroy who forgot to get a ticket. Leeroy runs for the train but misses it so myself and Tadd get off and wait with him. We then get told off on the Tannoy system for holding the train up. Cheers Leeroy. Managed to get a train 5 minutes later but had to sit next to the loo. The smell was quite high pitched to say the least. The only place I have been that smelt similar was at a public toilet in Delhi. Once again cheers Leeroy. Everyone arrived at HSBC apart from Tadd, Leeroy and myself. We got left with all the rubbish kit. Cheers Leeroy.

As we got off the train we entered what is possibly one of the best places you can play football without being a professional footballer. I would even be tempted to say many Professionals would get excited about playing on the HSBC first team pitch. We run to the changing room, listened to some drum and bass and quickly get changed. As we ran out we all giggled like excited schoolgirls would.  We did our warm up with Phillip and James. Tajae nutmegged me and then I fell over. Probably not my best moment of the day. If anything it was quite embarrassing! The bibs lost the warm up game.

Thomas called us back into the changing room and gave us a talk and named the starting 11:

GK – JACKO

RB – BALLERS

LB – MUZZA

CB – TAJAE

CB – GAV REED

RM – THOMAS

LM – HEMPSEY

CM – TADD

CM – TT

CF – LEEROY

CF – JARRETT

SUBS

ARDA

MACCA

OSSIE

So that is how we lined up. Quite a strong starting 11 despite the fact Ballers was playing right back.....

Norsemen win the toss and kick off. Within the space of 25 seconds we have ourselves a penalty. HSBC are not amused. From kick off the ball is played to Tadd who plays it to Hempsey. Hempsey found Ross who in turn lays it off for Muzza. Muzza then uses his lethargic left foot to pop a ball over the top for Jarrett to chase. Jarrett shrugs off the centre back and rounds the keeper. The keeper coughed on Jarrett and he went down. Ref gives a penalty. Rightly so as well. You should put your hand over your mouth when you cough. Does the HSBC keeper know nothing about the spreading of germs and disease? How does he think the Plague started?  Hempsey steps up and ups his penalty conversion rate to 50% for the season. HSBC 0 – 1 Norsemen.

The penalty clearly aggravated HSBC and as a result they step their game up for the next 10 minutes. Norsemen start giving away cheap fouls and HSBC go close with a couple of efforts. Shortly after the HSBC pressure lightens, a long ball is played football towards Jarrett. Jarrett chases the ball down and forces the keeper to come out and head the ball clear. Unfortunately the ball lands at the feet of Tadd. Tadd displays some lovely technique and volleys the ball into the empty net from about 30 yards out. Tadd being the excitable little chap that he is goes absolutely bonkers. Unfortunately for Tadd the closest person to him is Thomas. Tadd runs over to Thomas to celebrate, however Thomas just waves him away as Thomas is too caught up in moaning at me about poor positioning! Nobody else celebrates with Tadd. Tadd doesn’t care and starts doing cartwheels and forward roles in celebration. HSBC 0 – 2 Norsemen.

Norsemen then start to get into their rhythm and look solid all over the pitch. Some wonderful defending from Gav and Tajae allowed the midfield 4 plenty of time on the ball to spray the ball around. Some lovely one touch passing and moving from Norsemen opened up a few more chances in the first half; however the score remained HSBC 0 – 2 Norsemen.

One moment to quickly mention from the first half was the blossoming of a relationship between Ballers and the HSBC number 11 (I will give him the name Charles for the purpose of this report). I have seen Ballers in action before and he likes the hard ball policy when chatting up a bloke. I think Ballers saw Charles’ beauty early doors and was hatching a plan from the very first minute to get into Charles’ boxers. Their little flirt session went something like this:

Charles: “F@ck off mate”

Ballers: “Calm down mate I have only grabbed your shorts”

Charles “Look mate I don’t like stuff like that”

Ballers “Don’t knock it until your try it. I haven’t told many people this but I once attended a sex party wearing a suit. There was all sorts going on in there. I felt pretty stupid as everyone else was wearing gear for sex and I rocked up in my dad’s suit.” (Macca overheard this conversation and brought it up again on the train back to London Bridge. I will come back to the sex party story.)

Charles “Look mate just F@CK OFF”

Ballers “You cant get away from me whilst we are playing mate. I can touch whatever I want to touch”

Charles “Look just p1ss off and leave me alone”

Ballers “I like the way you are playing hard to get. Gets my juices flowing”

Charles “You lot are weird. I am not playing the second half”

On the balance of the first half performance I think Norsemen deserved to go into the break in the lead from their use of the ball when they had it in their possession. Thomas made way for Ossie at half time. Not a lot to be said at half time as we had a great first half and deserved our lead. We knew the next goal would be the decider. If HSBC got it, they would grow in confidence and be right back in the game. If Norsemen got it then we knew it would knock the wind out of HSBC’s sails and allow us to go on and get more goals.

And with that the whistle went and Charles only played 5 minutes of the second half. I think Ballers ended up getting his number though.

Norsemen started the second half even better than they had finished the first half. Some excellent pressing from the midfield 4 and some really good passing resulted in some good balls in from the wide players. A combination of poor finishing from Norsemen and good keeping from the HSBC keeper kept the score at 0- 2. One chance that spring to mind is a cross from Hempsey or Muzza that landed at Ossie’s feet. Despite the frantic calls of “TIME”, Ossie hit a first time shot which was so bad that it didn’t go off for a goal kick. It didn’t even go off for a throw on, instead it allowed HSBC to break on the counter attack. Ossie explained after the game that he saw the light and had to hit it. Well done Ossie. And he wonders why he started on the bench.....

Norsemen played some brilliant football in the second half. They are the words of the ‘Chef’, not mine. Leeroy and TT hit the bar with separate efforts and Ossie and Jarrett both had shots within the 6 yard blocked by the impressive HSBC goalkeeper. We found out after he game that the GK was in fact a defender standing in. Well done to him.

The score should have been 5 or 6 by this point but to give HSBC their due, they held in there and with 2 minutes to go got a free kick midway in the Norsemen half. I would just like to point out that it was Macca who gave this free kick away for a silly foul. Hempsey lost it with Macca and shouted at him. I would relay what he said but it is a tricky to pick out words from a northern accent. It was just a dreadful noise. The HSBC number 7 scored from the resulting free kick. Some question of a foul in the box but then again we were awarded a dubious penalty in the first half. Fairs fair. Jacko didn’t think so as this meant he had to pay his subs for not keeping a clean sheet. He threatened to do all sorts to the ref but as per usual with the youth of today, they were all empty threats.

 Full time HSBC 1 – 2 Norsemen. On the balance of play we maybe deserved more goals but a win is a win. The HSBC lads are a good bunch and let’s hope they stay up. I actually hope they stay in the same league as us so that we can play on that pitch again.

We all have a stretch down and walk back to the changing room. A bunch of us then try and outdo each other with exotic w1lly dances in the shower. I think Ballers and Macca have been practicing at home. Fair play to them though as it is a fine skill to have and as my manager at work says ‘another string to their bow’.

We then drink some beer in the club house and have some pizza and chips. Not the greatest food but beggars cant be choosers. Travel beers are purchased and we get back on the train to head back into town. Couple of things to mention from the journey. Ballers going to the sex party in his suit. We had a good 20 minute conversation about that. think he got off rather lightly. I think he may have cut the bottom out of trousers though to make it a bit more kinky. Also Thomas called James chunky and James didn’t take too well to it. Something about “carrying” and “excess timber”. There was definitely a couple of tears so I felt it best to leave the conflict zone and go and sit with NRC.

The Nelsons retreat was the first port of call on the voyage to Shoreditch. Pool was played, beer was consumed and NRC’s Indie music from the 90’s was put on the juke box. We then journeyed to a tequila bar for a quick shot. The tequila bar was about the size of a small shoe box. Somehow we all managed to cram in there. The owner then claimed to have run out of tequila so we had to leave. That was after just 1 shot! He must have really hated us!! Then on to the bricklayer Arms. James and Thomas then decided to put their mean words aside and decided to have a push up off. Thomas won easily as James is actually carrying a bit of excess timber...... We all got really drunk and visited 2 or 3 more bars. Cant remember much after this as I was smashed. Think we ended up in the bedroom bar. I attempted to dance but could barely stand up. I was then saved by my lady friend who took me home to bed. As I was leaving I seem to remember Macca and James having a dance off. Somebody described James’ dancing similar to that of Mark Owen in his Take That heydays!

That’s it for another week.

Night World.

Norsemen FC vs BB Eagles FC

Norsemen FC vs BB Eagles FC

No more grocers

Lashing it down with rain

BB Gun Fires Blanks

Dear Diary,

No more IKEA!!!! Praise the lord, if there is such a thing. What I ask myself when I wake up is what is there to do on a Saturday without IKEA? Turns out there is extra time to sleep and eat. Had another cracking little breakfast from the Grocer store across the road from the flat. Because of the extra sleep I was running a bit late so I quickly put a football inspired playlist together, put the freshly washed kit in the bag and hopped in the car for football. It was a bit of a muggy day but we thought what the hell “lets drop the top”. What do you know, as the roof is going down Bruce bloody Springsteen only comes on! The ‘Boss’ and football. What else is there to life?

Interesting sight on the way past Seven Sisters tube station. Old chap at the lights. Lets say 80+. He was sitting in his car stretched over two lanes doing what looked like trying to send a text message. He had all sorts of horns and swear words being thrown at him to get a move on. Did he listen or care for that matter? No is the simple answer. He was in his own little world. Good on him I say. I only say that as Thomas made a dangerous manoeuvre to get round him and that meant we didn’t get stuck behind the incompetent old fool….

Arrived at the home of Norsemen Football Club a little subdued, as I knew I couldn’t play this week. Everyone was in the changing room listening to the Scissor Sisters on Macca’s Ipod. They all rushed out when the balls arrived. We all had a little kick about. Me less so as my leg hurts. Ballers just stands at the side of the pitch, as he doesn’t want to display his lack of footballing skills. Then out of the blue an old face appears. Nicky bloody Morgan!!! They are all flooding back now we are top of the league….. first Ossie and now Nicky. They are both very talented though so I welcomed them both back with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Arda thinks this is gay. Arda has been misinformed of the difference between gay and friendly! I promised Arda I would mention his shot that nearly went in. There I did it!

Ok so they lined up as follows:

GK – Jacko

RB – Ossie

LB – Hempsey

CB – Macca

CB – Ballers

RM – Arda

LM – Gav Morais

CM – Tadd

CM – Pearo

CF – Nicky Morgan

CF – Jarrett

That left Reg and Erkan on the bench.

Oh yes I forgot to mention it was p1ssing it down! This made it really fun to stand by the side of the pitch and watch a game of football……

15.00 – Game kicks off. Norsemen start the better of the two teams. However the adverse weather was hindering their passing game. BB Eagles always looked dangerous on the counter attack with their two strikers both being physical and quick. What Ballers does lack in football skills, he makes up in sneakery. After about 10 minutes Ballers had identified the BB Eagles number 9 as a potential threat. What he must of thought to himself is “I am going to kick him.” Kick him he did. What Ballers is extremely good at is exit the scene of a crime very quickly. What was clearly a booking went unpunished as by the time the ref had spotted the foul, Ballers was already back in position giggling to himself. Well done Steven.

The number 9 then got his revenge on the Norsemen back 4. When I say back 4 what I actually mean is Macca. Macca had a good 10 yard head start on the BB Eagles number 9 to get to a loose ball. Macca thought to himself “there is no way I am going to run in a straight line to get this ball.” What he decided to do was take like a swing shot method, using the gravitational pull of the moon to try and propel him to the ball. This all clearly went wrong and the BB Eagles man got to the ball first. Jacko had to make a very good save at his near post to deny BB Eagles the opener. I think we all now the look on Macca’s face at this point. If you don’t then I will tell you. Imagine a young boy taking his sisters pet gerbil and putting it in the toilet to see if it can swim. When he finds out it cant he flushes it down the toilet to erase all evidence of what he has done. His mum is standing behind him all the time and he is correctly punished. That is the kind of face Macca had.

Norsemen had the two best chances of the half with Jarrett being denied of a deft chip over the keeper by the keepers out stretched arm. A very good save. The second chance was a ball in from lets say Hempsey for arguments sake. Jarrett found himself unmarked at the back post where his header was saved well again at the near post by the keeper.

Other points to mention in the first half was Tadd being pushed over in the penalty box, it stopped raining and me and reg played a bit of keepy ups.

Half time and the score is 0-0.

Don’t know what happened at half time as I stayed outside but I was informed of one incident after the game. Nicky Morgan offered some words of wisdom after the half time team talk “I think we need a goal boys.”

Second half began and so did the rain again. Second half was very stretched and a bit messier as there was some tired legs. Arda was bought down in the box in the opening 10 minutes with quite a brutal challenge. Ref gave a goal kick and why not! Arda had to come off and was replaced by Erkan. Jarret was put through 1 on 1 with the goalkeeper and was again brought down in the box. Ref gave a free kick and hempsey took a rubbish free kick that went wide. BB Eagles always looked like they could nick a goal on the counter attack, however saying that Mark only touched it once or twice in the second half.

Nicky Morgan made way for Reg as Norsemen went looking for the winning goal. Jarrett back healed an effort agonisingly wide. A little bit of frustration then creeped into the Norsemen play and there was some arguing. Eventually the ref blew his whistle and the tie finished 0-0. I think Norsemen deserved to win the game with the balance of play but at the same time BB Eagles deserved their draw with some solid play at the back.

I went in to the club house and was duped into staying and watch the golf. I hate golf! Then went to Winchmore Hill with Tadd and Hempsey and got smashed. Job done. Well kind of.

Good night world.