Crouch End Vampires VS Norsmen FC

Crouch End Vampires vs Norsemen FC

Saturday 19^th February

Crouch End

2.30

Norsemen Say Fangs Very Much

Dear Diary,

               

Another Saturday and another game of football. I wake up for the first time in the new flat. Bit of a strange feeling waking up in an alien environment. Think about doing something but then think to have a wash first. Lucky I did think about it as Thomas walks into the flat as I walk to the bathroom. I pack my bag and then follow Thomas to his car. We climb in and drive to his lady friend’s house in Mile End. Lou has kindly cooked us a slap up full English. She is blimmin brilliant. Thomas has a dance to Bros’ “when will I be famous”. I am going to risk a starting position next week with my next comment. Thomas looked incredibly gay singing and dancing to Bros. There I said it. I can’t take it back now. 

Finish our breakfasts and notice we are running late so jump into the sports car and drive to Crouch End. Sat nav was playing up so just had to guess how to get to Crouch End from Mile End. We managed to do this via the North circular. Arrive at Crouch End’s game with the rain pouring down. I had a gut feeling that Macca wouldn’t fancy these conditions to watch his team. Meet everyone in the club house and do the normal high fives, handshakes, hugs etc. Everyone has different requirements for greeting, depending on how camp, masculine, frigid they are. Just one quick observation to be mentioned. James turned up hanging from the night before and looked/smelt like a tramp......

 We all walk to the changing room to put our blue uniforms on. We meet one of Norsemen’s favourite children in the changing room. Mr Reggie Ayres. A true blue legend. He gets changed and puts his gay little gloves on....... The question on everyone’s lips is “where is Macca?” Muzza assures us that he will be along later as Macca dropped off the kit to Muzza earlier in the day.

I think their conversation went a little bit like this:

(Macca arrives at Muzza’s house in his camp little car. He gets out the car and then gets the kit out of the boot. He then prances up to Muzza’s door and rings the bell.)

Muzza- “Just a minute”

Macca-“Take your time lad”

(Muzza opens the door)

Macca-“Ey up”

Muzza-“alright mate”

(Muzza gives Macca a kiss on the cheek)

Macca-“Just dropping the kit off to you like and will then come down at 2 to watch like”

(Macca thought to himself that the weather didn’t look kind. He thought to himself it would be a perfect opportunity to stay at home with his wife and play dress up.)

Muzza-“ok mate I will tell everyone to expect to see your pretty little face about 2 then?”

Macca-“Sound”

(Macca made his mind up at this point to stay at home and not watch his “beloved” Norsemen commence battle against Crouch End. Basically he bottled it.)

(Macca kisses Muzza on the cheek and then off he minces to his car)

(Muzza walked back in doors, dropped the kit on the ground and then went to drop the kids off at the pool.)

Whilst changing, Muzza gets a text from Macca:

Sorry mate, not going to make it. Hugs x

Unbelievable!

Once changed, we slowly jog out to have a kick about. There is quite a big problem though. The 1^st team pitch is completely water logged. Tadd sees this as a minor obstacle and decides to run on the pitch and chase the ball around on his own. You could put that boy in a yard with a ball on a string and he would keep himself entertained for days. 

Bugger. This is not fun at all. Not only have we all traipsed over to Crouch End, but we have also put all our kit on. Now we are being faced with not being able to play. Bit poor really. If there was a pitch inspection in the morning then they would have clearly been able to see the pitch wasn’t playable. We all start moaning and decide to walk over to the back pitches to see what the other pitches are like. We meet Thomas tip toeing back across the pitches as we arrive. He doesn’t have a hopeful look on his face. Maybe he is sad that he had to leave midway through his Bros song. It is probably because none of the pitches are playable though. The Crouch End team are on one of the pitches with brooms and pitch forks, trying in vain to get rid of all the water. In fairness their attempts were appreciated as everyone wanted to play. However I was watching one chap attempting to pitch fork a puddle. To say the effort being put in was minimal would be generous. On the other hand another lad was brooming the puddles like a mad man. For the next 25 minutes we discuss if the game will be on or not. It was a bit like an episode of loose women (minus the vaginas). 

The chef starts to warm us up. We start by doing some running and then we attempt to do some ball work. Between the running and the ball work we are given a couple of minutes. We all stand around in a circle and kick the ball about. For some reason we attempt two balls at the same time. Ballers thinks he has the right to muck about and walk into the centre of the circle. It was put to a quick vote and the decision was to punish him. I took the responsibility into my own hands on behalf of my team mates to discipline him. I attempted to fire a warning shot at him to get him to return to his station. Just like a farmer would do if he saw a fox hanging his livestock. Unfortunately due to my limited ability the warning shot hit Ballers straight in the face. I say unfortunately but it was quite funny..... Ballers clutched his face and was trying so hard to hold back the tears. Bless his little cotton socks. I felt bad, so I walked over to him and gave him a little hug and rub f his hair. I did see a tear but I decided to keep that between us. He is a brave little soldier. What he lacks in football ability, he makes up for in bravery. It is an urban Norsemen myth that Ballers was raised by a clan of brave badgers. How true that is I have no idea but I certainly like the idea of it.

We finish warming up and then Thomas gathers us in for the team talk. We lined up as follows:

GK-Michael

LB-Muzza

RB-Ossie

CB-Tajae

CB-Reed

LM-Hempsey

RM-Ballers

CM-TT

CM-Tadd

CF-Leroy

CF-Jarrett

Subs:

Reggie

Arda

Bradley

I think everyone would agree that we started with a very strong starting 10 and Ballers. The ref did a pitch inspection and allowed the game to be played. He did stipulate that the game would be stopped if it started raining. We all did our anti rain-dance and then kicked off the game. 

I am not going to beat around the bush; the pitch was in a bad state. Lots of puddles and sticky mud.

The game kicked off around about 2.30. Norsemen had kick off and straight away the ball was played over to Ossie. He thought it would be a good idea to try and recreate our goal from last week. He played a delicious ball over the top for somebody to run on to and lash into the back of the net. Unfortunately that somebody was Ballers. We all know how difficult he finds football. Ballers thought better of scoring and decided to skew the ball off somewhere near the corner flag for a Crouch End goal kick.

Despite the lack of grass on the pitch, Norsemen tried their hardest to get the ball down and play some football. To be fair to Crouch End they did too. This proved little joy in the middle of the pitch, but the wide players had a bit more joy. Crouch End has some handy players and they managed to forge out a couple of half chances early on. Norsemen looked the more dangers of the teams and on the 20 minute mark they made a breakthrough. A free kick from the right was swung in by Ossie, Muzza had a couple of attempts at putting it in the goal. He obviously couldn’t complete the task so Leroy stepped up to the plate and dispatched it with ease. 

Crouch End 0-1 Norsemen.

10 minutes later and we had extended our lead to 2-0. A long throw from TT found either the head of Jarrett or Muzza at the near post. The resulting header fell to the feet of little Leroy who again slotted the ball home from close range. Neither goal aesthetically pleasing but they all count....

Crouch End 0-2 Norsemen. 

Personally my favourite bit of the half was doing a sliding tackle that lasted for about 10 seconds. The result of the sliding tackle meant I gained roughly 2 stone in weight due to the mud on my Norsemen uniform. Not ideal but fun none the less. 

At half time it was evident that a couple of players were not enjoying the conditions. Michael the keeper winged about not liking mud, despite being a keeper! Tajae and Leroy also looking sad at the fact that they had to play in the muddy conditions. Thomas was happy with our performance so he spoke to us nicely and then sent us back out to score some more goals and see out the game. 

 Crouch End must have had smoke blown up their bottoms by their manager as they started much brighter. Their formation had been changed and they looked a new team. The conditions in the second half had become almost unplayable in parts and our defence found it much harder to judge the flight and role of the ball due to the conditions. 10 minutes into the second half and Crouch End found a life line. A ball was pumped up the pitch and Norsemen midfield and defence wasn’t able to deal with the danger. The ball fell to the Crouch End left winger on the edge of the box. The Crouch End player hit a nice shot. The boggy box didn’t allow Michael to jump for the ball and as a result the ball flew into the roof of the net. 

Crouch End 1-2 Norsemen. 

Norsemen started to panic at this point and Thomas lost his voice from shouting orders. Despite being a goal to the good we played like we were losing. Norsemen still tried to play football, despite the conditions not allowing them to do so. This mentality was eventually what punished us. Muzza picked up the ball on the halfway line and started to drive with the ball (very slowly mind). He played a ball infield to TT. With the conditions as they were, this turned out to be a bad ball as the ball got stuck in the mud and TT was dispossessed as he overcooked his run in childish anticipation. The ball was played out to the right for the Crouch End winger. TT tried his hardest to recover the ball but it was a wasted effort. The Crouch End winger played a hopeful ball into the box which seemed to ping pong around the defence. The ball was then volleyed in by the Crouch End striker from 6 yards.

Crouch End 2-2 Norsemen. 

At this point the game stepped up a notch or two and tempers were being lost all over the pitch. The ball got pumped up the pitch by the Crouch End defence. It became stuck in the mud and was there to be won by both the Crouch End striker and Reedo. Both players threw themselves into the tackle. To be fair I would say this as I am a Norsemen player and was probably the closest person on the pitch to the tackle but I thought it was a fair tackle. On reviewing the Crouch End players leg he didn’t get stamped on by Reed but it was not malicious at all. The Crouch End lad went mental, and probably had the right to as it looked like it did hurt. Gav sh1t himself and backed off quickly. Think he learnt that number from Ballers! Suddenly the whole Crouch End team thought they had to get revenge and tried to elbow Gav. I don’t think Gav enjoyed the last 20 minutes as the Crouch End sideline all said they were going to kill him. The Crouch End striker had to go from his injury. This was probably a blessing in disguise for Norsemen as he had changed the game when upfront and all of the productive play was going through him. 

Norsemen teams of yesteryear would have bottled it at this point and would have just pulled down their pants and waited for it. Don’t get me wrong, we were shaky for the next 5 minutes but after that we composed ourselves and went about the task in hand again.

Around the 80 minute mark Jarrett went on a personal mission to win the game for Norsemen. He gathered the ball on the left flank and jinxed his way into the box, twisting and turning. He engineered a path to the touch line and fired a cross across the Crouch End box. The ball landed once again at Leroy’s feet. He thought twice about scoring as he knew he would have to get a jug in for scoring a hat-trick. Luckily Leroy came to his senses and kicked the ball in the net from 2 yards out. Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Leroy run off and did a little slide. We all did the same and had lots of fun. Crouch End looked absolutely gutted as they had deservedly fought their way back into the game. 

Crouch End 2-3 Norsemen. 

We managed to see out the remaining 10 minutes for the victory. Lots of sliding tackles took place in these 10 minutes......

The ref blew his whistle and Norsemen had won the game. Gav run over to Thomas and waited for a ring of Norsemen players to surround him before he made his way back to the club house. 

Unfortunately none of the subs got on today as it was such a tight match. A lot of respect for those 3 to take the time out of their Saturdays to come and watch us play!

We go back to the changing room and have an extremely hot shower. Then we have a nice plate of rice and bones and Leroy gets his jug in. The little chap has now bagged 7 in his last 3 games. Gav hides himself in the corner and hopes the Crouch End chap doesn’t spot him. 

Climb into Thomas’ sports car and drive home. Listen to Bruce Springsteen and Dire Straits on route. Get home and go to meet my lady friend. Have a nice chat and then I head over to meet Gav and Thomas in the pub. Have some heavily overpriced premium foreign larger and play some pool very badly. In this particular pub there are lots of nudey women paintings. Gavin and myself take a slow walk around the room and class the painted ladies on their boobies and faces. A lot of these ladies are from the 1800’s so have the fuller build. One lady has nice perky ones but they point in weird angels. I am going to blame the artist for that as they kind of defied the laws of physics. After that Joe Morris decides to join us for half an hour as he tries to persuade us to go to a party in Shoreditch. None of us are interested so his attempts are in vein. Joe is heavily intoxicated and talks less sense than he normally does. He tries to plead his case to Thomas as to why he believes he should be called up to the first team. He claimed he could play in any position. I give Joe a hug after this outrageous claim and decide enough is enough and it is bed time. 

All in all an interesting day and Norsemen sit back at the top of the table. Things are getting tight up there so it is important we keep winning. Not that anyone goes out to draw or lose. Since playing at Norsemen we always bottle it at this point in the season and narrowly avoid getting promoted. This year needs to be different and I believe with the current team we can get up. That’s all I have to say. Saturday 19^th February complete.

Night world.    

Old Esthameians VS Norsemen FC

Old Esthameians vs Norsemen FC

West Ham

Saturday 12^th February 2011

Norsemen Suffer Esthameia Attack

Dear Diary,

Another Saturday and another day of football and beers. Woke up early with a pain in my foot. Heroically played football for my work yesterday and got kicked on top of the foot. Could barely put my foot on the ground and as a result had to send the dreaded text to the gaffer to say I was out. Unfortunately Tommy Morgan also had to drop out on the day. Throughout the day I heard various reasons for the drop out. Not sure what one to believe. 

Breakfast was a simple egg on toast. Nothing fancy but it filled the hole none the less. Said goodbye to the Mrs and head round to see Thomas. On route I get a call from Thomas and Neil. They are both sitting in the Albion enjoying breakfast. I get there and Tom heads to the lav. He was in there for a good 10 minutes so you make your own mind up what he was doing. Having said that I have lived with Thomas for over a year now and he is normally a quick pooer. Just something you come to observe after living with somebody for that amount of time. Dobbo on the other hand would take 25 minutes to perform his task. He would often try and attempt to open the toilet door and hold a conversation. The only problem being his attention span being 5-10 seconds. He would ask the same question 15 times and I would stop listening to him. Back to the Albion and Neil is insisting he isn’t paying for Thomas’ breakfast. He eventually forks out for both breakfasts. I buy myself a large cookie for being on best behaviour and we all walk back to the flat. Neil goes home and Thomas and myself set out on a task to find a mop. You wouldn’t think this would be hard right. Wrong. 

First port of call is the Old Street Argos. No joy. We then drive to Sainsbury’s in Angel. No joy. Head into Angel on foot and visit 4 or 5 shops. None having mops. Our last hope was a discount shop. One of those shops that has one of almost everything. Everything is covered in dust and some things are ridiculously overpriced. Other things being a “bargain” as most posters dotted around the shop like to call it. They have mops. Spiceworld. However these mops aren’t to Thomas’ liking and he ponders on purchasing it whilst rubbing the moppy bit. I lose interest quickly and look for joke presents for Muzza as it is his 31^st today. Minding my own business and looking at the kids toys a lady walks up to me and asks me “where are the bin bags?” I look at her with the most obvious ‘F@ck knows’ look I can pull and tell her “don’t work here.” She looks at me oddly and just walks off. I am hoping she is one of the mentals as the store was clearly owned and run by an Indian family. Now I have been mistaken for a lot of races in my time on this planet; Malaysian, Thai, Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Polish, Spanish, Kiwi, Italian, Mongolian, Cambodian, Argentinean, Serbian, Turkish to name just a few, but Indian is not one of them.  I walk back to Thomas and he tells me “it's ok my builder is going to pick one up.” Brilliant! We get back into the car and go home. 

Thomas picks up his footballing gear and we jump back into the car and zoom off to West Ham. Get to West Ham station and Thomas jumps out the car to pick up some pain killers. For some reason he locks the car whilst I am still sitting in there. Now I understand being in West Ham you take a little more care with your possessions, but the top was down on the car. Around this time Ossie drives past and parks up as he is lost. Turns out the pitch was 100 meters further down the road. Ossie attempts to park up in front of Toms car. He makes a right pigs ear of the reversing. After driving into the curb 3 times, Ossie opts to get out the car and walk over to Toms car. I attempt to get out but the doors are locked. Ossie reaches over and shakes my hand. At this point the car alarm goes off. Instead of Ossie going to tell Tom to turn it off, he stands by the car for a couple of seconds and then walks slowly back to his car. Cheers mate! It’s ok though because Karma got him back at the beginning of the game. Ossie completed 0 out of his first 10 passes........

Thomas comes back empty handed and turns the alarm off. We drive 100 meters down the road and get out of our respective cars. We then head over to the rugby club house and meet up with the Chef, Taddy Waddy and Muzza. We then head back to the changing rooms. Now these changing rooms had the same builder as the bank of England vaults and Fort Knocks.  Had to get through about 3 looked doors before we got into the changing rooms. The changing room itself was interesting. It wasn’t quite a sauna but it wasn’t far off. It was a very tall room, with armour plated windows at the top. These gave the illusion that you wasn’t standing in a prison! Somebody had tried to break these windows to get in though. The problem being that it would be impossible to get down from or back up to. Robbers are idiots! 

Ok so this is how we lined up today:

GK Bradley

RB Ossie

LB Macca

CB Reed

CB Tajae

LM Muzza

CM Leon

CM Taddy Waddy

RM Thomas

CF Mordi

CF Leroy

SUBS

Arda

Everyone was excited about Ballers absence. So much so, 4 of the old boys made the voyage from Edmonton to watch us play. Spirits were high now that the chink in the armour was away.

It is 2:30.00 and the game is about to commence. 2:30.16 and the game is stopped. Why you ask? Well Norsemen kicked off. The ball was fed out to Thomas who played a lovely long ball upfront to Leroy. Leroy latched on to the ball on the far right of the oppos box and deliciously stroked the ball into the far corner. Norsemen one up. That time is from the official Phillip watch. I watched him skip back up the line singing “16 seconds, 16 seconds, we scored in 16 seconds.” It wasn’t as gay as it sounds though.........

Straight after this Esthameians upped their game. To be honest their game could have been that high already, it’s just they hadn’t touched the ball yet. Norsemen always struggle against Esthameians. They have a style of play that we find hard to deal with. I wouldn’t say it was kick long and run but it is very similar to that of the old Arsenal long ball tactics. Ball over the top and let the pacey forwards run onto it. To be fair to them they are good at it and it clearly works for them. They work hard and keep it extremely simple. The pitch didn’t help Norsemen’s style and we found it very difficult to get the ball down and play football. 

Around about the 15 minute mark Esthameians found a way back into the game. I am going to quickly take you back to 10 minutes before kickoff. The ref come over to the Norsemen group and went through the rules of the game and how he likes the game played. Now these are the very words that came out of the referees mouth “I will give the attacker the advantage where I can so don’t stop.”  So basically what he is saying is that he won’t be playing off sides....... Seems weird but hey what do I know about refereeing. Oh yes that’s right I am a qualified referee. 

Anyway back to the game and the Esthameians striker is put through. He is a good 2 or 3 yards off side. Our back two naturally stop as it is clearly off side. The Esthameians chap has a free run on goal and manages to slide it past Bradley who got a hand on it. 1-1.

The rest of the half was one way after the goal and Norsemen had a string of corners and crosses that should have been put to bed. Leroy got on the end of a sublime Mordi cross only for the goalkeeper to make a superb save. Leon headed just over from a corner. As a half I think Norsemen deserved to go into the break a couple of goals to the good, but this wasn’t to be the case. At half time Reed was replaced by Arda. Macca moved across to centre back and Muzza moved back to his comfort zone at left back. Arda now took up his place on the left wing. 

The second half begun and Esthameians had a slight breeze behind them this half. This allowed them to exploit their style of play. 15 minutes into the half and the ball fell to one of the Esthameians midfielders feet. He composed himself and took a great shot. Bradley had little chance to save it. Luckily the ball struck the bar and went straight up into the air. The ball seemed to stay in the air for about 10 seconds. Basically it defied the laws of basic physics by staying in the air for so long. Bradley was sluggish getting up from the save. Luckily Muzza was there to head the ball off the line. Unfortunately the ball fell to an Esthameians player, who in turn had a great effort blocked by the returning Bradley. It was a great save. All of this was in vein as the ball fell again to another Esthameians player and he in turn blasted the ball into the net. To be honest we went to sleep and didn’t react quick enough to the danger. Esthameians showed great determination and energy throughout the game. 

This was a wakeup call for Norsemen. The formation was changed to 3-5-3 and we went for it. This left us bare at the back and Esthameians missed a couple of glorious chances to finish the game off. One miss was probably the miss of the season in the SAL. The right winger did so well to cut in twice and evade challenges, only to trip over the ball when one on one with the keeper. 

Minutes after this came the play of the game. One of Esthameians long balls was sliced high out of the pitch. Barry Ayres, who had just admitted to rupturing his knee ligaments on Thursday, saw the opportunity to put a bit of flair back into the game. With such grace and composure, Barry allowed to the ball to drop across his body and Berbatovesq controlled the ball with such ease. Bosh, just like that the ball was ready to be picked up and thrown back in. Unfortuantely Muzza's pace let him down and it took a further 10 seconds for Muzza to get to Barry and pick up the ball.

We went close a couple of times. Arda missed a good chance, but to be fair to the Esthameians keeper, he made a fantastic save. Leroy scuffed an effort wide and Macca had a header that went agonisingly wide. 

At the end of the day both teams had their chances and both could have won the game. I would say Norsemen played the better football, but then I would as I play for them. Esthameians seemed like they wanted it more though and you could see how much the victory meant to them at full time as they celebrated. That doesn’t happen much in the SAL. They deserved it. They took the unbeaten record away from Norsemen. Hopefully this gives us a big kick up the arse and makes us realise we have to fight for this league if we want it. We had a lot of players out this week for various reasons, however the team that was put out for the game was more than capable of securing victory. 

After the game I guess everyone had a shower but I didn’t stay in the changing room for long as it was a tad too hot for my liking. Didn’t hear of any willy dance stories so I guess they didn’t take place. Shame really.

Had some Chilly and chips in the club house and watched a lady boy set up the room for a party with his/her friends. I’m not actually being out of order and saying an ugly girl looked like a man. It was an actual lady boy. I am going to name the lady boy Dennis for the purpose of this story.  James wanted to quickly flirt with the Dennis so he pretended he needed to do a wee as we left. Funny how is wee only lasted 10 seconds. He then came through the setting up area and Dennis asked James if he wanted to party. James giggled and Muzza had to pull him away. James looked sad. 

Being Muzzas 31^st, James, Taddy Waddy and myself decided to jump in Taddy Waddys van and head back to the Norsemen clubhouse for a drink. I had to sit in the back of Taddy Waddys work van for the journey. Not only did the back of the van look like a jumble sale full of crap, it was pitch black. I had to sit in these conditions for about half an hour. Not ideal. What did cheer me up was finding some really sh1t shoes of Taddy Waddy in the back of the van. He got a little bit of stick from us 3 for them!

Got back to the clubhouse and went blind in one eye from rubbing up against some asbestos in the pitch blackness of the van. We get a jug in and watch the spurs game with the 3’s and 4’s. Little Tommy Collier joins us and we talk about where the 2’s went wrong today. We then invite ourselves along for Muzzas birthday drinks in Winchmore Hill or somewhere like that. I have no idea about that area. Don’t know why they don’t just all go out around Shoreditch so that I can go home safely. Selfish......

We all get drunk and I go home about 10ish. Little Tommy gives me a lift to Edmonton. He is a nice guy like that. Should have pushed my luck and asked for a lift back to Shoreditch. I didn’t and because of that had to sit on the bus for 50 minutes. Got home, had a chat with the Mrs and then went to bed.

Muzza informs me he went on to a curry house after the pub. James fell asleep whilst dreaming about Dennis. Everyone got up and left him. I wish I was there to savour the moment. I wasn’t and because of this I am sad. 

Good night world. 

Alleyn Old Boys vs Norsemen FC

Alleyn Old Boys vs Norsemen FC

Herne Hill

Saturday 5^th February 2011

2:30 KO 

Norsemen Find Alleyn Key

Dear Diary,

So......... here we are again. Oh how I have missed you diary. What did I enjoy for breakfast I hear you ask? Well, my lovely lady friend made me some porridge, a cup of tea and a glass of pomegranate and blueberry juice.  Not as extravagant as French toast but none the less it filled a hole. This breakfast would later come back to haunt me. 

A new year and a new start in the league for Norsemen. Our last league game was back in early November 2010. Unfortunately Hempsey was in Thailand looking for exotic ladies with lumpy throats so the travel arrangements have been handed to Steven “I find football difficult” Ballinger. After 3 emails he managed to get the details right. Bring back NRC. The plan was to meet at Victoria and then get the train to Herne Hill to play football. Thomas decided to drive this 

weekend so we had the pleasure of not having to get the train. Instead we played a game of Pro Evolution soccer 2011 in the new flat. I managed to thump Thomas 4-0. This upset him and he decided to blame me for being late. We were the 2^nd people at the ground. I think he was just angry he lost and had to try and take it out on me. That is just my opinion and I could be wrong, however I very much doubt it. 

As we pull up to the Alleyn ground myself and Thomas pass the majority of the Norsemen lot. Thomas honked them whilst I saluted them with a rude wave of the fist. Macca giggled and Ballers looked sad.   Get out of the car and have a big group hug. It is really warm and welcoming. Everyone enjoys this very much.  We all pile into a very small changing room and attempt to get changed. Luckily Leroy’s I will be there in 10 minutes actually meant he would be here in 25 minutes and we had the extra space. Saying that he is only a small chap so doesn’t take up that much room. Mordi on the other hand.........

We get changed and run out to the pitch all eager. Within 2 minutes of warming up in the goal Muzza takes a shot from inside the 6 yard box and manages to miss not only the goal but also the massive nets behind the goal to stop the ball going into the gardens behind the goal. Muzza spends the next 20 minutes being scared about climbing over the garden fences and as a result he has to buy a new ball. Whilst Muzza is semi attempting to fetch the ball the rest of the team warm up by standing in the box and trying to convert Tommy Morgan and Steven Ballinger crosses. Not sure who put Ballers out wide to cross the ball in. He got tackled more than once by the imaginary defenders he was trying to beat before scuffing the ball into the box.  

We welcomed Tadd Heath back to the squad this week. He seemed a little sheepish in the warm up due to his massive knee. He decided to just run around like a dog off his leash, rather than kick the ball aimlessly into the net with the rest of the team.

After 15 minutes of kicking the ball over the fence we are called back into the teeney weeney changing room by Thomas to go through the team. We lined up as follows:

GK Ballers

LB Muzza

RB Ossie

CB Tajae

CB Reed

LM Tommy Morgan

RM Jarrett

CM Thomas

CM TT

CF Leroy

CF Mordi

Subs

Macca

Taddy Waddy

Despite having 13 Thomas thought it was a wise choice starting Ballers. Personally I thought it was a massive risk but then I guess that is why I am not the manager. I am not ballsy enough to make such a massive call…….

Phillip warms us up with some nice stretching and then some ball exercises. The usual suspects find the later difficult but I will spare their blushes. We then gather round Phillip and sit down and cross our legs, whilst Phil goes through set pieces. Now I am pretty sure Phillip and Thomas go over the team a hundred times before the game. I am 90% sure Phil knew Macca was n the bench, yet he couldn’t help himself mugging Macca off by telling him to go forward for all set pieces. To say the next couple of minutes were awkward would be an understatement. 

Thankfully the refs whistle interrupts the tense situation and everyone runs to their positions.

So we kick off and the first thing that is apparent is that Alleyn have Typhoon Yasi behind them. Alleyn start very well and look the more confident of the two teams. They got the ball down and played some neat football around the edge of the Norsemen box. However Norsemen defended extremely well and the extra man in the Alleyn midfield meant there was only 1 up top who found it extremely hard to get anything from Reed and Tajae. Tajae had one of the best games I have seen a Norsemen have this season. Even the ref in the shower said how good our little defender is. This was after Tommy Morgan mugged the ref off about his trainers, not knowing that the ref was under the shower next to him. 

About 10 minutes into the game the Alleyn right midfielder fell awkwardly and landed on his hand. It looked like it really hurt to be fair. He decided the best option would be to sit on the ball. Ballers, not really knowing the rules of football (this would explain his style of play) thought it was fair to kick the player to get the ball. We all know it isn’t. The Alleyn player is rightly outraged and karate kicks Ballers. The rest of the Alleyn team kick off and Ballers does his usual of running away from the scene of the crime and tries to plead his innocence. Ballers escapes a booking. 2 minutes later and one of the Alleyn midfielders is booked for kicking the ball away. Seemed a bit harsh. 

20 minutes into the game and Jarrett latches on to a lethargic looking Muzza through ball. Jarrett managed to win the ball and drove into the Alleyn penalty area. I would like to say that Jarrett didn’t dive but from where I was standing the keeper was a good 2 foot away from Jarrett as he went down like he had been shot in the back. Needless to say the ref booked Jarrett for diving. To this day Jarrett still pleads his innocence. 

10 minutes later and we take the lead. A throw in from the right sees a ball played over to Jarrett who uses his strength and agility to out muscle the Alleyn left back. Jarrett found himself at a tight angle and with a barren spell in front of goal, some would presume low self esteem. However this didn’t seem to affect Jarrett’s nerve as he smashed the ball inside the near post. The fact that Norsemen had a gale force wind blowing against them and still managed to be a goal to the good was a massive morale boost. To say we deserved it would be a bit harsh on Alleyn as they had 70% of the ball in the first half. We knew if we could hold them at bay in the 1^st half then the wind would change the game in the 2^nd half and we would be able to attack them. To go into half time a goal up must have been a real sucker punch for the Alleyn men.

We had a nice sit down and listened to Thomas and Phillip chat about tactics. I was watching Mordi and Macca try and do keepy ups. They didn’t do very well. I think 3 was their record. Not their strength though....

The ref blew his whistle and the teams took their places once again. Alleyn again started the better of the teams in the second half. To give them credit they have some very good players and shouldn’t be 3^rd from bottom. I think a lack of team spirit is their main downfall. After 5 or 10 minutes Norsemen started to get a grip on the game and it was time for the Tajae and Leroy show. Tajae was immense at the back and Leroy caused all sorts of problems upfront. 20 minutes into the second half and Norsemen take a 2 goal lead thanks to little Leroy. A bit of pressure on the right hand side of the pitch by Thomas and Jarrett finds the ball dropping on the right hand corner of the Alleyn box. Leroy only steps up to the plate and smashes it into the top left hand corner. He is a little gem that lad. I have said it from day one. Despite wearing tights to play football, he is a good lad. 

The skipper then takes himself off for Tadd. A lot of running was done by the midfield in the first half and some fresh legs were required. Tadd coming back from a knee injury gradually got into the game but didn’t throw himself about like the Taddy Waddy we know and love. A further 5 minutes pass and Norsemen make it 3. Ossie do some good running down the right won a throw in. TT launches one in and Jarrett gets his bonse to the ball. The ball goes up in the air so Muzza steps in and gets his massive head on the ball. The ball drops to Leroy’s feet and he lashes it in. 

Reed then makes way for Macca as Norsemen look to keep a clean sheet. We looked very strong at the back despite Tajae going on 4 or 5 late nineties Sol Campbell esq runs up the pitch. Tajae never lost the ball though to be fair to him. 

With 10 minutes left on the clock we made it 4-0. Tommy Morgan played the ball to Mordi who showed some explosive pace down the left, beat a couple of players and then passed to Leroy (as he says, but I think he over-ran it). Leroy cut inside on his left foot and curled it passed the keeper. The little chap only went and bagged himself a hat-trick!! Well done him.

We saw out the match and ended victorious. Leroy tried to keep the ball but the ref was having none of it. Don’t normally dish out Man Of The Match awards but if I did Leroy and Tajae would get a joint award today. Have a stretch and then run to the really small changing room for a shower. The meal today was pie and beans. Tajae didn’t like this and went hungry. 

Got a lift home with my folks and stayed out of trouble. Don’t know what the rest of the team got up to. I could have a rough guess though.

Ballers would have gone home to Jarrett’s so they can organise their joint wedding. Thomas drove down to Brighton to see his mrs. Tadd got put back on his leash and let to look out the window of the train. Leroy and Tajae drove home listening to Boys II men. Ossie probably drove to Sunderland or somewhere equally far away for a night out. Macca went to a child’s birthday party. Gav Reed drove Mordi back to the door of his flat and then went to a secret rave in a disused organic allotment in Stoke Newington. Tommy Morgan went home to watch casualty. Muzza went to his 2^nd job at MacDonalds. Muzza dresses up as Ronald MacDonald for kids parties. He doesn't require a wig. Phillip went home to do the ironing. Now these predictions aren’t 100% factual but in my head they are.

Quickly refering back to the breakfast. It gave me a belly ache and some windy pops. 

Good night diary.