Civil Service FC vs Norsemen FC
Chiswick
Saturday 9th April 2011
3.00
Civil Faulty
Dear Diary,
So the league draws to an end and the penultimate weekend serves up an away fixture to high flying Civil. Just a little bit of good news during the week. Norsemen FC 1’s only went and got blimmin promoted didn’t they. All the seasons hard work has finally paid off.
Massive thanks to Phillip and the Chef for all the hard work and dedication they have put in for us.
Back to the game in hand. Civil required a win to keep in contention for promotion, whilst Norsemen required a win to keep on track for being crowned champions. Today’s fixture had the potential to be epic.
Woke up to the glorious sunshine beaming through the gap in my curtains. Attempted to put a pillow over my head to regain total darkness. Annoyingly this didn’t work and the sun had beaten me. 7.45 and I was up. Thought about doing something and then thought better of it. Had to keep my reserves for the game in hand. Went downstairs and had some children’s cereal. Then had a chat with the gaffer, before he went off to the gym. Nipped down to our local supermarket to get some fluids for the day’s game. What a wonderful day it was. Got some food for a bit of brunch for Thomas and myself. Tried to make a poached egg for the first time, but failed miserably. The egg hit the water and just decided it didn’t like it surroundings. After deciding it didn’t like what was going on, the egg made the water go misty and rank. Had to call Thomas down to give me a quick poached egg master class. I have only recently converted to poached eggs from scrambled eggs and this is the reason for my inability to cook a poached egg. We ate our breakfasts and they were yummy. We then noticed we were running a bit late for the agreed meeting time. We grabbed our stuff and walked to Liverpool Street.
Get to Liverpool Street a bit behind time. Give NRC a tinkle to find out where we have to be and when. We have 25 minutes to get to the rest of the team in Vauxhall. Looking a bit unlikely but we head to the underground anyway. Sit on the platform for 5 minutes with no sign of a tube. Then decide to get a taxi. The taxi driver assures us we are going to be able to make Vauxhall train station in 20 minutes and on his word we climb into his taxi. The taxi driver’s word is kosher and he gets us there with 2 minutes to spare. Thomas gets out at the traffic lights and sprint/jogs for the train. Sure enough NRC’s instructions are correct and everyone is on the platform waiting for us. Jarrett is wearing his summers best. NRC looks like he is going to a beach party themed 50th birthday party and the rest are wearing their nice shirts in preparation to hit the town after the game.
I am shocked to read on the train that our nuclear submarines can only go to a depth of 300m. To me that isn’t deep. I can rescue a brick from 5 meters and my £7 watch can go 50m. Surely a submarine that costs loads of money can go deeper. Me and Muzza talk about this for a while and then the topic of conversation turns to the Grand National horses. We aren’t interested in the good horses, just the sports editor’s synopsis of the rubbish horses. One horse had a description of “Tries really really hard but all is in vain. This horse will return nothing if you back it”. Imagine if the horse could read and it stumbled across a copy of The Times. It would be absolutely heartbroken.
We get to our station and NRC gives us the nod to get off the train. We then cross the river and head to the Civil ground. I haven’t mentioned it yet but boy what a day it was. It was a little on the windy side, however the temperature was spot on. We get to the pitch and are greeted with a small stand. Civil must have spent all of their money on the stand as the changing rooms are just a bunch of demountables. Tajae and Leroy kick back and sunbathe whilst the rest of us aimlessly kick the ball around. Tadd and NRC find a tennis ball and decide to play catch. They look like a couple of girls as they throw the ball to each other and giggle. If they had decided to play hopscotch, then they would have looked less girlie. I find out that Ballers uses his left hand to throw a ball. At first I think he is just mucking about as he has a weird throwing action, but he assures me that that is the way he throws…….
We line up as follows:
GK Jacko
RB Ossie
LB Muzza
CB Tajae
CB Macca
LM NRC
RM Gav
CM TT
CM Tadd
CF Leroy
CF Jarrett
Subs
Ballers
Carriou
Thomas
Thomas decided as the changing room was extremely small and the weather was very nice, to get changed outside. Gav Morais set up his little changing station in the middle of everyone. I think this was a tactical move on his behalf as he remembered what little gems he had put on that morning. As he dropped his trousers he revealed a pair of salmon coloured pants. On the likes of Muzza or myself it would have looked like we didn’t have any pants on. It would have also looked like we had lost our appendage due to the colour and tightness of them. Due to Gav’s beautiful holiday Tan, the pants stood out. You could see the jealousy in Ossie’s eye and that he was hatching a plan to swap pants at the end of the game. A bit like a player swapping shirts with an oppo, Ossie likes swapping pants.
James takes us for a warm up. Not sure if he just makes exercises up sometimes. He makes us run from one side of the pitch to the other and during the run he will make us do things like rolly polly’s and cartwheels. He will then say this helps with your core balance or something like that. All gym talk that I don’t really understand. This is Gav Morais favourite part of the footballing day.
Phil then lets us play football in a square. The non bibs thrash the bibs in a game of 3 touch. Not really the morale boast that the bibs needed before a big game. The only words I can offer to cheer them up is “just be better at football”.
The ref calls for the captains and we kick off proceedings. We are playing in front of a crowd of 30-40 people today. I think a lot of them have heard about ‘the throw’ and they wanted to see it with their own eyes.....
Both teams start with a frantic pace. Civil have the wind behind them and it is evident from the opening 5 minutes that they are trying to play the long ball over the Norsemen defence for the lone striker to run on to. This doesn’t work as the back 4 were immense in the air for the whole game.
10 minutes in and the Civil left back tries to have a pop at Gav Morais. Being up against the Hulk, the Civil player obviously had no joy. Gav got a scratch on his knee and Civil player stayed down after bouncing off of Gav and falling on his hand. It did look a bad injury and I think he may have broken a finger or too so we all hope he gets well soon. Despite the injury the left back played on, although the injury seemed to jade his performance. 5 minutes later and Norsemen took the lead. Gav received the ball on the right. He jinxed past 2 Civil players before putting a cross in for Weeroy to poke home. A well worked goal and on the run of play, no more than Norsemen deserved. Civil 0 – 1 Norsemen.
5 minutes later and Norsemen attack again. This time down the left wing. Hempsey plays a great ball down the line and Jarrett sets off on a run to retrieve the ball. The Civil keeper starts running out to collect the ball, however upon seeing angry Jarrett running at him, he thinks twice. At this point the Norsemen chairman, who is standing on the sideline starts shouting “you’ve sh1t yourself, you’ve sh1t yourself”. I am sure this doesn’t help the Civil keeper with the situation. Jarrett gets to the ball first and lobs the ball over the stranded keeper. The ball bounces once before hitting the roof of the net. Jarrett finally finds double figures for the season and doubles Norsemen’s lead in doing so. Civil 0 – 2 Norsemen.
Norsemen were buzzing after the goal. Civil started an attack down the right. The left back tried to knock it past NRC. NRC was having none of it so he stuck his hand out to stop the ball. Muzza didn’t like this and had a go at NRC. NRC didn’t like being told off so he said a rude word back to Muzza. This is what is known as “a lovers tiff” in the real world. They didn’t make eye contact for 5 minutes after the tiff.
With 10 minutes left of the half Civil won a throw in the last third of Norsemen’s half. A long throw was nodded on at the near post. Macca and Jacko went for the same ball. The ball fell to the Civil midfielder, who blasted the ball at Macca’s chest. Macca’s hands were in front of his chest and so he handballed it. Ref gave a penalty. Fair shout. The Civil player despatched his penalty into the corner. Well taken and nothing Jacko could do about it. Civil 1 – 2 Norsemen.
Norsemen upped their game after the goal, but found it hard to penetrate the Civil backline with the windy conditions. The ref blows his whistle and it is half time.
Thomas calls us into the shade and Ballers carries over the water. This was Ballers main task for today’s game. He took this job seriously and hid the water under some shade. Well done him. Thomas gave us a nice speech. You could see Tadd and NRC looking for a tennis ball to play some more catch, but the tennis ball was gone. They both looked a bit sad.
We all trudge back to our starting positions and the ref gets us underway. Norsemen have the benefit of the wind this half and begin well, putting Civil on the back foot.
10 minutes into the 2nd half, TT and Jarrett chase down the Civil centre back. The ball lands at TT’s feet and he decides to have a run at goal. He only goes and drops his left shoulder and glides past the centre back. This leaves TT through on goal, with only the keeper to beat. He is comfortable with this situation. Then from out of nowhere Weeroy turns up on the scene and starts screeching for the ball to be played square to him. This completely puts TT off. TT is so annoyed with Weeroy that he decides enough is enough and decides to just kick the ball off for a goal kick. That will teach Weeroy for trying to spoil the party.
Within 5 minutes of the Weeroy incident, TT put Norsemen’s 3rd in. A free kick was awarded on the halfway line. Coleman thinks to himself “I am going to have a shot from here. I have the wind behind me so why not. They all think I am going to cross from here. Yeah have a shot Coleman, go on, treat yourself”. Had a shot and scored. Being a humble and modest gentleman, Coleman just stands there and shrugs his shoulders. Macca is the first on the scene and jumps TT. He is soon followed by half of the team. The ref gives the goal and then starts running back to the centre spot. The ref turns and see’s an upset linesman. The lino saw Gav in an off side position or something like that and gives a free kick to Civil. Cheers Gav.
Gav hadn’t felt like he had spoiled the game enough, so he spent the next 5 minutes thinking what he could do. What Gav come up with was giving the ball away on the half way line and left the Civil centre forward to run at Macca. The forward let off an early shot and managed to put the ball in off the far post. Again nothing that Jacko could do about that goal. A nice finish. Civil 2 – 2 Norsemen.
Thomas thought Gavin had done enough damage and so subbed him for Ballers.
Almost from kick off Norsemen started to attack the Civil box. The ball was cleared to the right hand edge of the box. Who was there to collect the ball. It was only Ossie, wasn’t it. Did Ossie bring the ball down? No. Did Ossie take his time? No. Did Ossie hit an ambitious volley? Yes. Did Ossie score? No. Did Ossie kick it off for a goal kick? No. Did Ossie’s shot at goal go off for a throw? Yes.
During the game there were couple of incidents I would just like to share. Tadd being called a “lanky streak of p1ss” being one of them. The other was the blossoming romance of the Chef and the Civil number 9. Throughout the game they had been exchanging love notes, just as you do at the start of any good relationship. Then from there the odd wink and kiss was blown. At half time they met up on the adjacent pitch and had a talk and cuddle. They swapped numbers and everything seemed to be falling into place. Then as all relationships seem to end in the 21st century, things took a turn for the worse. Number 9 stopped returning the winks and the Chef started to become jealous. The final exchange of words went a bit like:
Number 9 “At least I’m not fat”
Chef “I would prefer to be fat than ugly”
Two classic lines straight out of the playground insult book. Shortly after this exchange of words Barry Ayers was asked by the ref to escort the Chef away from the side of the pitch. Love can be cruel sometimes......
Back to the game and you could see a belief in Civil for the first time in the game. From a corner, number 9 hit the bar from a header. The ball bounced to a Civil player, who hit it goal bound, only for Muzza to clear off the line. This is the first time Norsemen didn’t look in control of the game. This short spell of attack soon came to an end and Norsemen started to get back in the game.
Weeroy pounced on a poor pass from the Civil defender and managed to toe poke the ball into the goal. We naturally went f-ing mental. All I could hear was Tadd and Jarrett screaming with joy. Then from the corner of my eye I see Gav Morais sprinting down the line in relief from not costing Norsemen the game. We all jumped on each other and celebrated nicely. Civil 2 – 3 Norsemen.
Shortly after the goal Weeroy managed to hand the victory to Norsemen and score what seems to be his billionth goal of the year. Hempsey sprayed a ball across the pitch to Ballers. Everyone thought Ballers would let the ball role under his foot. It didn’t. The Civil defence obviously don’t know who Ballers is and so they tried to close down the angle for Ballers, to prevent him from shooting. Ballers then did something nobody thought he was going to do. Ballers crossed the ball back across the goal to an unmarked Weeroy. Weeroy took a touch and then curled the ball into the far corner. Probably the goal of the game. We go crazy again and mob the little man.
Muzza goes off for Carriao. Dan’s first touch was to fall over and trap the ball on the line with his toe. It was a nice move to be fair to Daniel. He then got up and pretended as if nothing had happened. Shortly after this the ref blew his whistle to end the game. We go bonkers and start hugging each other and shake as many people’s hands as possible. Civil have been one of the best teams this year and if they have another season like this then they will be back up to the top division next year. Their season mirrors our season last year.
Complete a half hearted warm down with an embarrassed Chef and then head back to the changing room for an epic willy dance.
Unfortunately on returning to the changing room we were met with a disappointing set of showers.
Shower number 1 – Resembled a hose end. The pressure of the shower would suggest the hose had a kink in it.
Shower number 2 – Had the appearance of a shower. However the pressure was equal to that of a water can that was running out of water.
Shower number 3 – Again disguised as a shower. Instead of being attached to the water pipe, the other side of the shower head was attached to somebody’s mouth. This person used spit and saliva to provide the water flow.
The showers affected getting clean, but not the dancing. It was only 3 dancers at a time, but this gave the rest of the team a chance to sit back and admire the hard work and thought that had gone in to each dance. I think Macca won this week’s dance. Macca’s preferred move of the day was the reverse helicopter.
Ballers and Tajae had some really nasty wine that Thomas had won in a raffle and then we set off to the club house for some fish fingers and chips. I think this is the meal awarded to the World cup winning team after success......
We watch Norwich get beaten and Thomas stitch up Weeroy with 3 shots. Macca gets a jug in for conceding a penalty and we all get bang on it. Forbes, Chunky and Barry all offer their hands in congratulation. Another big thanks for all the old boys who have shown their support this year. Makes a big difference seeing some Norsemen legends on the pitch side. We leave the Civil club house with Weeroy lifted in the air and everyone shouting his name. Gav Morais gets out some Cuban cigars from his travels and a couple of members of the team think they will be cool and smoke them.
From here we go to a pub that doubles as a jazz bar. Bit random. Weeroy is struggling from the shots and decides to take a breather. The pub don’t like our noise and we are asked to be quiet. Shortly after this we leave and make our way back to Waterloo. We are joined by our Chairman, who tries to make a quick escape at one of the stops. However Thomas runs after him and drags him back on to the train. At Waterloo we go for a quick half and Ronnie manages to escape.
Jump in some cabs and head to the Nelsons Retreat in Shoreditch. Juke box goes on, pool is played and pints are consumed. Everyone starts to look a bit worse for wear now. It has been hot today and a couple of people have had one too many. Me being one of those. We then drop our bags at the gaffers and go to the Commercial Tavern. People start to sneak off now. This has been the pub that has sorted the men from the boys........
We then head to Brick Lane and meet up with everybody’s 17th favourite 1st teamer, Neil Mordi. Luckily it is only £4 for a can of beer in the place we meet Mordi. Ballers argues with the bar tend that he can buy 6 cans for £5 in the shop around the corner. The bar tend tells Ballers to go there then. Ballers decides to go home instead. We quickly get asked to leave the bar and then head to bedroom bar. We are left with:
Thomas
The Chef
Carriao
TT
Morais
Muzza
Macca
The rest decided enough was enough. I wish I had now as I still feel a bit rough. Got kicked out at 1 and went to a house party. Then went to another house party when we got kicked out of that. Just TT and Morais surviving the whole day. Although I think Gav got lost and ended up at a complete strangers house. He said he didn’t recognise anybody there, but decided to stay none the less. Got home at 6 feeling wretched and went to bed.
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