Norsemen FC vs Crouch End Vampires

Norsemen FC vs Crouch End Vampires

Saturday 30^th October 2010

Edmonton Sports Ground

Vamps don’t have enough bite for victory

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning not feeling a picture of health. The reason being, and i am going to be brutally honest with you, i had been suffering with what the French like to call Le runs. The last 10 minutes, be it asleep, was the longest I had gone without having to run to the toilet. My special lady friend then mentioned there were sausages and eggs in the fridge for breakfast. I thought to myself if anything is going to be a test for my stomach ‘issues’ then a greasy sausage and egg bap would be such thing. I put on some clothing and trot to the kitchen. I decide to delay the cooking in hope that the Mrs. might cook instead and decide to watch ‘an idiot abroad.’ This delights me no end. Nobody comes out to cook so I go back in and get cooking away. I start on the sausages and then am joined by my lady friend. I plead that I am useless at cooking eggs and she takes over the duty. Yessssssss. An early victory for Ross James Coleman.

I then settle down on the sofa, eat the food and have a spoon. The stomach doesn’t like what is put in it but none the less it decides to hang on to it. After a good long spoon I notice I am running late so put my shoes on and run back home. Thomas is running even later than myself so I am off the hook! We pack our bags and set off for Edmonton. 

It is a special day today for everyone involved with Norsemen football club as it is the president’s lunch. Our glorious chairman Radio has some of his friends over for fish finger sandwiches and then they watch the 1^st team play a game of football. Luckily for the spectators it was a clash with local arch rivals, Crouch End Vampires. I arrive to find a full car park. Thomas isn’t happy as he has allocated himself “the gaffers spot” in the car park. This space was occupied so he had to park in the playground! We walk into the changing room and are handed nice new training tops from Macca. About time he did something right..... In all seriousness though he has come up trumps with these little beauties. They did cost 45 quid mind. Thomas instantly spoils the mood by not allowing us to wear the tops for the warm up. Something about not wanting to look like flash twats or something. 

Get changed and go out to kick the ball in the goal. Not sure what the 2’s were up to but they felt they would warm up with us. When I say warm up I actually mean nick our balls and ruin the pitch. I had the last laugh though as I put in a formal complaint to Ronnie. I hope he goes biblical on them and unleashes that famous Scottish rage he poses!

We lined up as follows:

GK – Jacko

LB – Ballers

RB – Ossie

CB – Tajae

CB – Macca

RM – Thomas

LM – Hempsey

CM – TT

CM – Tadd

CF – Leeroy

CF – Jarrett

SUBS

Muzza

James

Gav R

One thing to mention from the team talk. Not even 10 seconds had gone after Thomas announced Muzza on the bench, when Thomas then said for Muzza to take corners. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds. Lots of snigger and pointing filled the next minute or so. Muzza was royally mugged off!!!!!

Despite the inclusion of Ballers this week (squad rotation policy) we look solid. I haven’t messed myself yet so all is looking good.

Kick off

Both teams start with a good pace. Crouch End probably have the better of the early possession, however they lacked end product. A couple of meaty tackles go in early doors with Tadd being the main culprit. It has been a bit of a rainy day so players are sliding about. I warned Tadd before the game to not wear mouldies as it was wet. Did he listen?! Did he f@ck. He got his punishment in the shape of a £10 fine though because of his silliness. A slip due to his footwear made him put in a late challenge and he is booked for this. Probably not as bad as Ballers tackle in the second half though. We will come back to that though.

First of all I have to mention the first goal. Some would say against the run of play, others would say good use of a counter attack. Who cares really as all that matters is that it was Norsemen that scored the goal. I believe a ball down the left from Hempsey found Jarrett who did very well the keep the ball in play and cross a low ball for little Leeroy to neatly put the ball in the back of the net with the outside of his right boot. Yey for Leeroy. 

The rest of the first half was quite scrappy due to the intensity of the game. I will hold my hands up and quote Muzza “I was having a b@stard of a game.” This didn’t really help the team. This didn’t really make much of a difference though as Maccas aerial dominance and Tajae’s covering at the back allowed Crouch End no joy in front of goal. The whole back 4 all had excellent games.  We knew it would be a tough game against Crouch End and as long as we got a goal we knew we would be in with a chance of winning the game.

We went in at half time one to the good. Thomas gave us a team talk at half time but for the life of me I can’t remember a word. No changes were made at half time so we lined up for the second half with a strong line up again (that is if you ignore Ballers.)

Early doors in the second half and Ballers showed two things:

1. Why he was included in the starting 11 this week. He put a crunching tackle in on the Crouch End right winger. It was a very naughty challenge to be fair and was probably lucky to just get a booking.
2. Ballers trade mark foul and run away tactic in order to go unpunished. He did this to perfection but the ref had a sharp eye and managed to pick Ballers out from the crowd of players already lining up for the resulting free kick.

Unlucky on that one Ballers. 5 minutes later and Thomas was put through on goal. The Crouch End right back made a great challenge to prevent Tom from being 1 on 1 with the keeper. As a result of the challenge Thomas landed on the defenders knee and winded himself/broke a rib. He had to be replaced by Muzza. Muzza slotted in at left back and Ballers moved to right mid. To be fair to Crouch End as much as they like a physical game and a moan, they do play a fair game. 

Slowly but surely in the second half Norsemen were finding a bit more time on the ball and they created a few chances. Crouch End did too and they managed to hit the bar with a goalmouth scramble. Our unlikely outlet for most attacks was Ballers. Ballers seemed to relish the chance at playing right mid and started to weave a bit magic down the right flank. 

Our second goal started with Ossie who played a neat ball down the line to Ballers. Ballers did the old show and go, completely taking the Crouch End left back out of the game. Ballers then composed himself (whilst being watched closely by 4 of the old boys) and whipped in a delightful cross which Leeroy met with a diving header. The ball hit the back of the net and there was a loud cheer for the club house and the watching old boys. However I wasn’t watching this as I heard a loud shreek for Tadd’s dad who runs onto the pitch in jubilation! What seemed to be a common Heath floor on the day was choice of footwear. A step too quickly and Mr Heath is lying on his back. This didn’t stop him from celebrating though. I personally am a big fan of the Heaths enthusiasm for life and everything that excites them!! Well done all. James replaces Jarrett with 10 minutes to go.

So we see out the game and manage to hold on to a 2-0 victory. A nice change for the spectators as this is my first victory on a presidents lunch day. We all do our little warm down and then head back to the changing room and display our willy dance routines we have been working on throughout the week. 

Next task is to head into the club house and see how the old boys thought we played. Hopefully well as we are unbeaten this season and sitting handsomely at the top of the league. Everyone has a couple of victory beers and mingles with the old guys whilst watching Tottenham gift a game of football to Manchester United.

Next port of call for some members of the team is Shoreditch. I have to go to the Misses birthday in Angel whilst Macca hangs with some northern folk in Shoreditch and Thomas heads to Farringdon for a rave. 

Fast forward 5 hours.

Ring Ring, Ring Ring

Me “Hello Macca”

Macca “Ey up”

Me “How can I help”

Macca “Were at t pub”

Me “ok”

Macca “You mentioned summit bout a party”

Me “That I did”

Macca “Is it alreet if I bring some mates”

Me “why not”

Macca “Super, see you in 5. I’ll bring some tins”

Me “see you soon precious”

And with that 5 minutes passed and Macca turned up at the flat. When Macca and his mates rocked up at about 11.30 there was give or take 25 people at the house party. There were some random eastern Europeans in the corner acting out some very sexual dancing! I didn’t watch them though as my lady friend was around.............

Macca mingles and his friends start playing pool. After half an hour Macca feels comfortable enough to start asking strangers for a dance off. Most people just politely smile at him. This is a polite way of saying f@ck off. Paula (Special lady friend) then surprises Macca and takes him up on the offer. I have never seen Macca look so happy. He finally has somebody to play with! A song is chosen and Macca starts to get down.

What I haven’t mentioned is the fact that Macca likes to think of himself as a bit of a mover. To give Macca his credit he has beautiful technique and rhythm on the dance floor. Some would say the best dancer at Norsemen. That is a hell of a claim though considering I have only seen at a push 10% of the Norsemen dance. 

Anyhow back to the dance off. Paula is a little intoxicated as it is her birthday, so I thought Macca would walk the dance off. I was wrong. Macca was played at his own game, literally. Paula somehow managed to copy every move Macca pulled off and basically mugged him off! Macca 1 down on the dance off. Several hours later after Macca had plucked up the courage to dance again he was mugged off again by a chappy that goes by the name of Mr Woody who pulled out caterpillars and all sorts. Macca left soon after this. Thomas arrived home to the flat and decided to bring half of Shoreditch with him. Must have been at least 100 people. I bailed out at 4ish and went to bed. Thomas carried on till about 7 and then pulled the plug on the fun!

All in all a good day. Won football, had a good drink and didn’t sh1t myself!

Good night world