Saturday 11/09/2010
Grocers pitch
Warm and stuffy
NORSE-MAL SERVICE RESUMED
Dear Diary,
So here we are again. My favourite time of the year is back. Norsemen FC has their first game of the 2010/11 Season.
9.00 – I wake up with a spring in my step. I ask myself why is this? Oh yes I remember, I am going to IKEA today. I bloody love that place. When I say love, what I actually mean is like. It is actually quite annoying in a way as they have loads of little things that you don’t need but are only £3. You pick it up and think to yourself “Oooo this would be handy. Why don’t you treat yourself? Go on, you deserve it. You have been good this week. I think I will just pop it in the trolley.” You do this 50 times and end up £200 out of pocket at the checkout. I then rewarded myself again with a 40p Ice Cream and set on my way to Edmonton Green. Just one quick mention of IKEA’s thriftiness, for some reason in the car park and for that matter the store, the music being played was really sh1t covers of already sh1t songs. This made the songs double sh1t. Note to self, take my walkman with me next time!
12.45 – Driving in the back of Matthew’s car listening to his electronica beats and getting pumped for the football game. It starts to piss it down. I think to myself “I am going to get wet today.” Matthew pulls his Skoda Fabia into the Edmonton Sports arena and the rain stops. Matthew goes for a wee and bumps into a still drunk Cass Weaver. They have a hug. Not whilst doing a wee. Well maybe they do. I am still sat in the car at this point so I am just making up what they are doing. I think they greet the French way, then go to the toilet and then wash their hands (they don’t want to spread diseases after all.)
12.55 – I walk into changing room number 2 and am greeted by Ballers, Muzza, Tajae, Phil and Tadd. We all try to kick the ball into the bin. We all fail. We aren’t very good. Thomas comes in and kicks the ball really hard. Thomas breaks the bin. Everyone else slowly but surely turns up and then what do you know, a face from the past walks in. Ossie. The man is back and he is back with a vengeance. Ossie is given the ball to kick at the now broken bin and somehow manages to turn the shower on, in turn soaking my shorts. Thanks very f@cking much Os. Welcome back though.
13.05 – Being over keen to play, Macca, Tadd and myself run out the front of the changing room and starting playing keepy ups. I almost manage to lose the ball from being over keen. We all have fun. Thomas runs out and calls us back in to the changing room. Thomas is our captain and manager now. He plays around with some cones on the floor and talks about some stuff. I am too busy trying to wind up Tadd so don’t really pay much attention. I am sure it was all good stuff though.
13.45 – Run over to the Grocers field, past the bloody cricketers. I can’t wait for the Cricket season to be over. Who even likes cricket?! I start to kick the ball at the goal with Macca and Gav. We aren’t very good and spend most of the time fetching the ball from the bushes. Such is life.
14.15- We do some exercises with Phil to warm up. Ossie doesn’t seem to have many friends at the moment and spends most of the time on his own. Ballers finds the warm up difficult. Ballers finds football difficult. He is a nice guy though so nobody minds him being not very good at football.
15.00 – We lined up as follows:
1. GK. Jackson
2. RB. Ballinger
3. CB. MacAlister
4. CB. Ferguson
5. LB. Murray
6. RM. Hempsey 'NRC'
7. CM. Heath
8. CM. Coleman
9. CF. Morais
10. CF. Lungha
11. LM. Morgan. T
12. Ibrahim
13. Pearson
Civil had turned up with what is noticeable as the tallest man on earth. The BFG started upfront for them and Macca had the responsibility to mark him. Civil were clearly a decent outfit as they had spent the previous year mixing it with the big boys in the division above.
15.01 – We kick off and start well. As do Civil. I think it is fair to say we matched each other well, both teams looking solid all round. Civil tried to utilise the BFG. They did so by getting the ball to the full backs, who would in turn send a searching ball forward to the big guys head. Macca and Tajae dealt with this danger fairly well for the entirety of the game. We took a less direct approach and decided to try and pass our way up the pitch, which I feel we did well.
15.25 – It’s only a bloody goal! Norsemen 1 – 0 Civil Service. Some lovely work down the left by Muzza, Tommy, Leeroy and Tadd result in the ball falling to Muzzas trusty left swinger. Muzza doesn’t have the most elegent of kicks but boy he knows how to find the head of our very own Incredible Hulk. The pin point cross is met by a thundering header from Gav Morais and the ball sails into the top right hand corner. Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai Ai or whatever the noise is that the Native Americans make when they are attacking with their Tomahawks and Bow and Arrows. That is now how we celebrate goals. Well we didn’t for this goal but we will for the next goal after this has been read. It should really be a Viking grunt or something in honour of the Norsemen, but the Native American chant is much more fun.
The game picks up pace after the goal and some really nice football is played by both teams. The referee likes to play a physical game so a lot of pushing goes unpunished!
15.46 – Half time and Tom gathers us in. First of all he congratulates us for playing well and then he takes Ballers in his arms and just cuddles him for being brave. He doesn’t find the whole football thing easy but he has given it his best shot today. I clapped Ballers but nobody else joined in.... The cuddle lasts until the second half starts. Things get a little tense and awkward until the whistle is blown and we all breathe a sigh of relief.
16.00 – We kick off down the slope and start well again. Both teams are very evenly matched. Civil hit the bar with a cross and then again with a looping header. Jacko had the second hitting of the bar covered. Jacko has really bucked up his ideas this year and is playing extremely well.
16.15 – Tadd gets an elbow to his pretty little face. Turns out his nose took the full impact of the elbow. As per usual Tadd got extremely excited about this as he does with almost anything. Despite his nose now resembling the nose of Worzel Gummidge, Tadd still wanted to play on. Unfortunately his nose wouldn’t stop bleeding so he wasn’t allowed back on. Ossie comes on at right back and Ballers moves into centre midfield.
16.20 – Tajae follows a long ball into the corner and manages to Cruyff turn his way out of trouble. He then goes to volley the bouncing ball. He executes the volley well apart from the fact that he sends the ball flying back into his own box. Luckily beautiful Macca is there to head clear. 2 minutes later and Macca could have done with Tajae returning the favour. Muzza plays a nice easy throw in back to Macca. Macca tries to put his foot on the ball. Macca misses the ball. Macca looks a mug. Macca runs after the BFG who now has the ball. Macca starts chanting like a Native American going into battle. The BFG runs through on goal. The BFG luckily kicks the ball wide. Macca has the face of a 5 year old boy that has just been told off for locking his pet cat in a suitcase and pushing it down the stairs. He knows he has done wrong but he isn’t happy with being told off......
16.25 – Civils long ball game is starting to penetrate a tiring Norsemen team. A cross is put in that is met with the head of probably the BFG but i am not sure. The ball is goal bound and Jacko is beaten. Norsemen 1 – 1 Civi... oh no wait minute Steven Bloody Ballinger has only gone and headed the ball off the line! Best thing I have ever seen Ballers do with a football. He is a brave soldier as he was also head butted by the opposition player whilst falling to the ground. This is why people like Ballers.
16.26 – Thomas replaces Ballers, not because of his injury, we just needed a bit of quality on the pitch...... The game now becomes stretched as Civil go looking for a goal. Macca fails Civils central midfielder in the box, only for the ref to not give a penalty. Norsemen then break on the counter. Leeroy should have scored but instead lays the ball back to Tommy Morgan who blazes over from 3 yards. We break a couple more times on the break and should have scored 2 or 3 goals, however we didn’t. Simple as.
16.45 – Final whistle goes and Norsemen are victorious. Probably a fair result as Norsemen had more clear chances, however Civil are a good team and will do well in the league this year. We all warm down and make fun of Tadd’s new nose.
17.00 – Have a nice shower. Hempsey does the willy dance, Morais does the helicopter and Macca pretends to be an erotic dancer. All good fun.
17.30 – Macca gets in 3 jugs for scoring 3 own goals pre season. Hempsey reads out some train times. We don’t tell him that Gav bunked the train earlier in the day. This would have made him angry and in turn would have ruined his day.
18.30 – starting to get quite drunk now. Decide it is a good time to head home with Thomas.
19.00 – Get back to Shoreditch and start to get bang on it again. We are cooked a smashing little Chilli-con-carne. Decide to drink a bit more and then go to meet everyone’s favourite big headed male, Muzza. Jump in the taxi and request to be taken to the Old Queens Head. Taxi driver acknowledges the request and takes us to the Old Queens Head.
20.00 – Spend about a million pounds getting drunk. Make up a new dance move with Thomas and Muzza. Think it could possibly be the Norsemen dance move of 2010/11.
3.00 – Somehow make it back home. Try to keep dancing and drinking. Fail miserably. Thomas carries on whilst I slip off to bed. Good night world.
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